FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,760
4 481 hugs
given |
#1
When my dear Mom died, whom I loved with all my heart, everything was in order. It was beautiful, as beautiful as losing a dear loved one can be. Our last words to each other were, "I love you...I love you too." Her wake was filled with friends and family who loved her. There was a beautiful Mass celebrated for her, and at her funeral the sun shined down at just the right moment.
But with my dear Dad, whom I love most on Earth, Everything is going to be different... I live with him and my stepmom, and he is kind and patient with me in my mental illness, and I try to do everything I can to make things easier for him (probably too much!) as his strength weakens, in gratitude for all he has done for me, but I don't have a sense that I'll even be able to say I love you and goodbye before he dies. I do tell him often, in advance, but it's not the same. There is such an aching sense of incompleteness, of unfinished business, an awkwardness that prevents me from speaking to him about the deeper things in life. I have so many questions, but there is really only one that I feel I need answered, and that is "Why?" |
Reply With Quote |
*Beth*, CANDC, Discombobulated, jrae, Mendingmysoul, Skeezyks, zapatoes
|
*Beth*
|
Disreputable Old Troll
Member Since Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762
(SuperPoster!)
8 17.4k hugs
given |
#2
I hope that, in some way, you might find the answer that one most important question... "why?". Here's a link to a short article, from PC's archives, on the subject of preparing for grief:
Preparing for Grief __________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
Reply With Quote |
CANDC, zapatoes
|
Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,760
4 481 hugs
given |
#3
Quote:
P.S. I edited this post to add that I just read the article and it was very good. Not too long and with all the main points clearly spelled out like I like these days! It also lead me to further reading! I clicked on an article about sleep that was in the article, and I found a website to give me more info. on the Fourth Stage of Grief: Deep sadness and despair. Thank you again! Last edited by Return To Sender; Nov 28, 2019 at 04:52 PM.. Reason: Added a P.S. |
|
Reply With Quote |
CANDC, Skeezyks, zapatoes
|
CANDC
|
Super Moderator
Community Support Team Community Liaison
Chat Leader Member Since May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
Posts: 17,440
(SuperPoster!)
9 2,312 hugs
given |
#4
I am sorry for the loss of your mom and the anticipated loss of your dad. Their is a word to describe that grief: anticipatory grief. It is like you lost someone but they are still there.
I found when my dad died, that I had all these hopes and dreams that he would accept me as I am and not as he wanted me to be or as I thought he wanted me to be. He never talked about deep things so I never really knew what he thought. So when he was gone I had to ask myself what good did all these expectations do now that he was gone. I did spend time with him in the later years but he was not saying anything much because he could not. So I told him lots of things like how much he had helped me and recalling some of the fun times we had. The hospice worker said she felt he heard me and understood. So when he was gone I had to reinvent who I was. I was not his child anymore in one sense, although he taught me a lot. So I started doing things he would have never approved of like yoga and exercises but they are things that made me feel good. Eventually I started to think of myself in a new way and let go of trying to please him, because it was no longer possible. __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
Reply With Quote |
Return To Sender, zapatoes
|
Return To Sender
|
catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
(SuperPoster!)
4 23.7k hugs
given |
#5
Anticipated grief (which is kind of enmeshed with anticipated anxiety and other mood states) is the hardest part of the grieving process for me.
__________________ |
Reply With Quote |
Blknblu, CANDC, Return To Sender, zapatoes
|
Blknblu, Return To Sender
|
Member
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: South
Posts: 147
4 135 hugs
given |
#6
This morning, I wrote about
This part of grief. Maybe finding some release for loss, instead of pasting over it, or pretenses in my. Head. |
Reply With Quote |
Return To Sender
|
CANDC, Return To Sender
|
Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,760
4 481 hugs
given |
#7
***Sorry for being so late in responding, but I just saw the posts today! (I forgot to subscribe to my own thread!)
@CANDC Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful post. You gave me a lot to think about. I plan on looking up anticipatory grief since I'm not familiar with that. I also want to thank you so much for your words of sympathy for the loss of my dear Mom and for my dear Dad when he dies. And I am sorry for the loss of your dear Dad too. (((HUGS))) @BethRags Thank you for your post! Both you and CANDC mentioned anticipated grief, that's something I've never heard of. That's interesting that it is enmeshed with anticipated anxiety, etc. which makes sense because it feels like at any moment a bomb is going to drop, so there's a constant anxiety. @Blknblu Thank you for your post! I agree that it would be better to find a healthy release for loss rather than pasting over it, which sounds like repressing feelings instead of dealing with them. |
Reply With Quote |
CANDC
|
CANDC
|
Reply |
|