bellle

My daughter lost her husband to cancer after 10yrs of marriage at the age of 49 and left behind 3 children 2, 5 and 8yrs old. To say she was bereft is an understatement. We live a 5hr drive away which was difficult but for 4mths we spoke every day sometimes 2hrs a day and consoled and counselled as much as we could. She met a man a couple of months later and before we knew it he and his teenage son had moved in with her and they were going on holiday together. Our daughter was left with quite a lot of money so of course we became worried that after another 4mths he asked her to marry him and was referring to her home as theirs! He had a reputation for the ladies but had now decided to settle down,(with our daughter and her money), They went through a 'bad patch' which we didn't get involved in but she is now having bereavement counselling. She says she is happy but we are still very worried that she is just 'settling' for this man as she doesn't want to be on her own. They have been together for 2yrs now and are getting married in Mauritius next week. No doubt she will be paying for this too. He has only met us twice and has prejudged us by berating us to our daughter that we should have given up our jobs and home to move closer to her to look after her. My husband is furious with it all and won't speak to him. We obviously can't say too much but if my husband won't see him or talk to him how on earth are we going to get past this. Help

Skeezyks

Hello belle: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. The relationships & communication forum, here on PC, may also be of interest to you. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

And then here are links to 3 articles, from Psych Central's archives, 2 in particular that discuss how to handle the types of situations you describe in your post:

When Your Adult Child is in a Bad Relationship

When You Don't Approve of Your Adult Child's Relationship

Take These Ten Steps Closer to Your Adult Child

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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sarahsweets

Is there any way you could pay one of those services to do a real backround check on him?

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bellle

Thank you so much for your welcome and your links...I will certainly check them out - very helpful
I don't think a background check is much help to be honest. I think this is a "Wait & see what happens time"
and be there to pick up the pieces - or hopefully it turns out that we are wrong!
Bellle

BirdDancer

@bellle
I can certainly understand your fears and concerns. I would have the same fears if she was my daughter, sibling, parent or friend. I believe there is a risk for those grieving to fall prey to a person with less than pure intent, though I wouldn't know if your daughter's fiance is preying on her. Or maybe both your daughter and her fiance are desperate in their situations. Marriages born mostly out of desperation are not usually ideal.

I wonder if your daughter would consider putting some of the money from her late husband into trust funds for his children. That way if the prospective marriage broke up, the new husband wouldn't stake claim to too much and her late husband's children wouldn't pay a price for their mother's possible accidental "mistake". Big gifts from you and your husband to your grandchildren could be handled in a similar way. As for your wife's stake after a possible divorce, she's an adult and has to accept some possible losses for herself. She might want to fully understand what she could possible lose in the case of a divorce, and how to protect herself sufficiently.

If your daughter's fiance doesn't approve of such things as above, that itself may be a warning sign. Frankly, if he has any money, he might consider taking the same advice.

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CANDC

If the daughter hears you are spying on her new beau it could be a wedge between you so I think you are smart not to go that route. The problem is people in life and love have to chart their own course. All we can do is keep a light in the window for when they find themselves off course and seeking direction.

If you could do anything it might be to get them or daughter to agree to postpone marriage plans till all the skeletons come out of the closet. Or suggest a prenuptial if it is in your daughter's favor to protect her assets from someone that may think of those as their own.

Keeping finances separate is a good way to be cautious. If they do not like that maybe that is a yellow flag.

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"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both...

I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
Robert Frost

bellle

Thank you all for taking the time to reply....She has gone through with the marriage so I guess we will have to
take it all in our stride somehow. My husband suggested a pre-nup but apparently he got very upset at the idea of it
and accused her of not trusting or loving him enough!! I hope this isn't as I feared..Thanks again

shelda

The more you interfere the more she will back away. I know this from experience . The sooner you let her live her own life even with all the mistakes she makes (which are hers to make) the better your chances of having any relationship with her. Try and find something else to do and plus you have those grandchildren you do want to spend time with.( Hugs)

Stillness06

My husband lived 2.5 hours away from my family. He was afraid to spend time with my family. I still love him but families can make things very difficult for their kids and likewise.

CANDC

Yes how complicated things can be when people do not see eye to eye. Sounds like you have worked through a lot.

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Community Support Team

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both...

I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
Robert Frost