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Default Sep 21, 2019 at 05:09 AM
  #1
Hello. I am new here. I thought it might help me to talk about my situation. I am currently in therapy and am considering a support group.

My soulmate, John, died at age 57 on April 14. I never got to say goodbye and thank for being the best thing that ever happened to me, tell how much I will always love him. I still say, "I love you" out loud, hoping somewhere out there he can hear me. Sadly, when anything goes right or wrong, my first impulse is to imagine telling John. Then I realize I cannot.

I still have crying spells. I feel sometimes as if, now that he is gone, I am just passing time, waiting to die. I am a very hard person to get to know, so I know I will never experience the same closeness with anyone again.

A few people were supportive at first, but they have subtly suggested I should move on. Perhaps they are right. But I think more people need to realize that when you lose someone you love, you do not just need support for a week and then return to normal life. Grief is long and hard.
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Smile Sep 21, 2019 at 12:15 PM
  #2
Thank you for sharing your grief. (I recall replying to your introductory post.) Here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of grief & loss that (hopefully) may be of some help. Included is a link to a grief & loss quiz. The first link is to an article by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. that provides links to additional articles on the subject:

Coping with Grief | Psych Central

On Grief, Loss and Coping

Thoughts on Memories, Grief and Loss

5 Creative Ideas for Keeping Your Loved One's Memory Alive

Complicated Grief: How to Get Unstuck | Bonding Time

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/grief-quiz/

My best wishes to you...

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Thumbs up Sep 21, 2019 at 01:29 PM
  #3
Thank you, @Skeezyks! It was very kind of you to put all that together for me. A quiz is probably good idea to give me some sense of where I am with things. The articles will be a help also. I am an avid reader, so I do not know why reading about this issue never crossed my mind.

Thanks again!
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Smile Sep 21, 2019 at 02:21 PM
  #4
@QuietTulip … Thanks for your kind response. May I share with you my own personal favorite article, from PC's archives, on the subject to healing from grief & loss?:

What My Dog Taught Me about Grief and Loss


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Thumbs up Sep 21, 2019 at 02:31 PM
  #5
@Skeezyks--

Thank you! I love dogs even though I cannot have one where I lived. They are wise creatures and the most loyal friends ever.
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Default Sep 21, 2019 at 03:55 PM
  #6
i am so sorry for your loss. pls don't feel bad you did not have a chance to say goodbye to john. i am sure he knew how much you loved him and that is all that matters. it is the everyday moments and memories that count. and grief has no timetable. you have a right to feel what you feel and everyone processes their grief their own way. i think crying is a good release for your sadness. it is so important to vent your grief in any way you can, whether by crying, posting on here, journaling, support groups, individual grief counseling, self-talk (just talking to yourself and answering yourself), etc. it will take time. for me, it did finally get better. my thoughts are with you on your journey.
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Default Sep 21, 2019 at 05:05 PM
  #7
Thank you for your kind words, @TerryL.

John did know I loved him; that is some comfort.

Crying really is the best release for me sometimes.

I am starting to try to focus on the good memories and smile instead. We had 10 years of those.
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Default Sep 22, 2019 at 01:24 AM
  #8
I am so sorry for your loss. My POV is that everyone deals with losses like these differently. Some cry more. Some need more time. Some eventually don't want to bring it up. Others need to acknowledge it periodically--forever. I have seen family members deal with deep sadness from losing loved ones--time does help! Though for some people, the grief is long and hard. You will get through this. I am glad you are also focusing on the good memories. Hugs.
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Default Sep 22, 2019 at 07:07 AM
  #9
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad and so regretful of things you may not have said. I believe he knew your feelings but I understand the grief and heartache you’re feeling over everything right now. It’s terribly painful to lose a loved one. Is counseling a resource that’s available to you? What about online support groups for grief and loss? Are you up to trying new activities such as finding a walking group or something else that’s therapeutic and positive as you work through this difficult time? I’m so very sorry you lost John. I hope you find yourself on the road to feeling loved and supported again. My best wishes and thoughts go out to you.
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Default Sep 22, 2019 at 09:10 AM
  #10
Thank you, @LilyMop and @TunedOut.

i appreciate your encouraging words. I agree, @TunedOut, that we all process grief differently and at our own pace. Although it does not feel that way sometimes, time probably will make it easier. I lost my mom in 2007, and that is how it has been.

@LilyMop, I am in therapy, and my therapist has spoken at grief seminars in the past, so he is a good resource. I have not been able to find a local grief support group that fits my schedule. I did not know there was a grief support group online, but I will look into it.

I probably do need to get out more and try new things. I am kind of an introvert and have not found anything I want to do and feel comfortable with.

Thank you both again!

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Default Sep 22, 2019 at 02:54 PM
  #11
Tulip, I have not used this online grief site but it might be worth checking out.
Bereavement Support Groups Online | DailyStrength

Personally I find a journal is a great way to "talk" to those I have lost. I can tell them all the things I wanted to say. I can ask them things and it is almost like part of me knows what they would think so I gain confidence in my options.

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Default Sep 22, 2019 at 03:31 PM
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Thank you for the link, @CANDC! I will definitely check it out.

Journals can be helpful. I am home alone a lot, so I often talk out loud to John, so much I wish I could tell him. I do some creative writing and have been thinking of doing something in his honor as well.

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Default Sep 22, 2019 at 05:27 PM
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Still grieving
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Default Sep 23, 2019 at 05:06 AM
  #14
Thank you, @88Butterfly88.!

Hope you enjoy your day!

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Default Sep 27, 2019 at 07:42 PM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuietTulip View Post
Thank you, @LilyMop and @TunedOut.

i appreciate your encouraging words. I agree, @TunedOut, that we all process grief differently and at our own pace. Although it does not feel that way sometimes, time probably will make it easier. I lost my mom in 2007, and that is how it has been.

@LilyMop, I am in therapy, and my therapist has spoken at grief seminars in the past, so he is a good resource. I have not been able to find a local grief support group that fits my schedule. I did not know there was a grief support group online, but I will look into it.

I probably do need to get out more and try new things. I am kind of an introvert and have not found anything I want to do and feel comfortable with.

Thank you both again!
Hi tulip,
What I find is there are times I cannot face the world and so I go out to the world through the internet.

Here are a couple of my hobbies that I do free online
Yoga YouTube

Moving meditation (Qi Gong)
YouTube

In a way these are like people I am seeing, but I can meet with them in my own home. Of course I do have to go out, but this is for those days outside does not appeal to me.

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Default Sep 28, 2019 at 07:42 AM
  #16
Thank you, @CANDC.

I left my teaching job a few months ago because it was too stressful. Now I am depressed and do not feel like going out a lot of days either. The internet does help sometimes!

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Default Sep 28, 2019 at 06:54 PM
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Originally Posted by QuietTulip View Post
Thank you for the link, @CANDC! I will definitely check it out.

Journals can be helpful. I am home alone a lot, so I often talk out loud to John, so much I wish I could tell him. I do some creative writing and have been thinking of doing something in his honor as well.
Great idea for a story of life and loss. Good luck with your writing projects.

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Attention Oct 13, 2019 at 04:30 AM
  #18
I am so sorry for your loss! And I too wish that things will improve for you in time.

And I understand somewhat, what you are going thru. I had two major losses last year, one being my Grandma. And even a year and a half later, it bothers me to see things of hers at my parents' house or to hear my family mention her name. Not totally sure why, but I know it's a process.

And also, two months ago I lost my Aunt, who over the past ten years had become like my best friend! I too am fighting that 'instinct', that when something happens, your thought is to tell them about it! And like an hour after the funeral, her daughter (my cousin) said to me 'now onto the next chapter'. And that made me mad, the thought that people just dismiss this that quickly.
I too did not get a chance to say goodbye to my Aunt, so I hear what you're saying there. I wish I had to courage to ask my cousins if she said anything about me, the week she was in the hospital before she died -- but I don't cuz that's selfish of me. right?!? For me, it's not really the things I would've told me - it's what she would've said to me; what I needed to hear from her.....

Two months have now past and though both my cousins said they knew I was special to her, neither one has asked how I'm doing?!?! How the h**l can people be super compassionate for one day, and then completely blow it off their radar for good??? sorry about that.

Hang in there. There are people who do understand what it's like
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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 08:10 AM
  #19
Hi, @jrae.

I am so sorry for your losses. You're right; it is a process. Yesterday marked the six-month anniversary of John's death. I cried a bit, and I talked out loud to him a lot. I thank you for your sympathies.

I am sorry to hear that people around you are not sensitive to your needs as you are grieving. I understand how you feel. People were a little bit understanding the first few days after I lost John, but after that, they acted as if I should just pick up and move on. I really do not know how people can be like that. When John lost his father a few years ago, I was there for him 24/7 even though I was stressed out with work and my illness. Now there is no one to be "there" for me because the person who would do that is gone. I think people forget that the loss matters long after the funeral service. I do not understand how.

Thank you for your post. Yesterday was a rough day. I wish you only the best.

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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 10:11 PM
  #20
HI jrae. I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have strong feelings that others do not feel. It is sad that others do not feel compassion or loss but everyone grieves in their own way. Some feel it intensely while others may be in denial. It is not a personal attack on you, although that does not make the pain less.

Have you considered a grief support group? The advantage to them is most or all there know what loss is and support you. It can be a refuge and a place to confide how you are feeling.

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