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shelda
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Question Oct 18, 2019 at 10:00 AM
  #1
My husband died over just 3 years ago now. We were together for 36 years and were the parents to 7 children. They have all grown up and have busy active lives now. I started working full time as a caregiver 2.5 years ago. First job out of the house since i was 19,except for the last two months due to sciatic nerve damage I have been at home. I was a stay at home Mom plus homeschooled so I never really met other people . I am originally from the other side of the country kinda misplaced here and have thought it for years but then i got used to living here after 32 years of being here. My brother and sister and extended family all live on the other side of the country. My grown children and Grandchildren are here though but as i said before they all have active lives and we get together mainly for holidays now. My grandchildren have grown up too except for 2 and my one daughter has zero time for me. She thinks i am too dramatic for her.My husband their Father was sick for around 12 years and it was the last 4 years he was terminal..I know i was really petrified about it all and when he passed away it feels like i passed away with him. Seems i am invisible here except for my Eldest son who comes around now and then . I am contemplating moving back there just for the sake of having family there..I would really miss my son though as he and I are close. He can not be here everyday as he is married with 3 children that are almost grown. Any advise would be so helpful.
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Smile Oct 18, 2019 at 03:45 PM
  #2
I'm sorry I don't think there is much I could offer in the way of advice with regard to your circumstances. I guess the one thought that occurs to me would be to make sure your brother, sister & extended family are going to have time for you. Otherwise you could make the move & find yourself just as alone as you are now. And, from that perspective, it's possible that trying to make new friends where you're currently living (by becoming involved in some seniors activities, volunteering, etc.) may be as good or even a better option.

I always remember an article I read on the editorial page of our local newspaper. A woman & her husband, who were retired, had moved from a large city to a smaller town for the slower pace it offered. She wrote that they assumed they would make new friends there. However what she found was that all of the people her age already had long-established friendships. And they weren't interested in becoming friends with her. So for something to do, she got a job working at a local fast food restaurant where most of the employees were young adults. These young adults were the people who became her friends. And as a result she ended up getting invited to all of their bridal showers, baby showers, etc. I'm not sure what, if any, message there is in that for you. However reading your post brought that letter back to mind. So I thought I would share it with you. Best wishes...

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Default Oct 19, 2019 at 10:55 PM
  #3
shelda I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and to hear how isolated you feel. That must be rough to go through losing a husband. It sounds like you are still grieving in some ways so maybe these articles that are listed on this page would be of interest.

Coping with Grief | Psych Central

For me losing a parent has meant I had to reinvent who I thought I was. I was no longer their son, I had to think of myself in new ways. I had to drop the expectations they had of me which I tried to fulfill to be worthy of their love. There was no hope of receiving that now.

So I started exercising and doing yoga. It was amazing that after a while the people I exercised with started talking to me. I started to come out of my shell. I practiced mindfulness so I started to escape being trapped inside my own thoughts. I started to eat better food and sleep enough. I started new hobbies. I started to deal with my deep seated anger that was always simmering below the surface ready to burst out. People tended to avoid me because of it.

I also started to make peace with myself and do a life review and put to rest all the things I felt I did wrong and also the things that I thought were heaven. They usually were not. What that left was living in this moment.

Have you considered reestablishing relationships with family at the other end of the country by frequent phone calls or Skype or Google Meeting or Facebook Messenger? Sometimes we cannot hold all the ones we love, but we can maintain contact and maybe take a vacation to visit them.

A grief support group in your area or online can also help. All the best to you.

please include the following tag to any reply concerning this post so I get an alert to see your post: @CANDC thank you!

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