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Anxietysuxs
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Trig Nov 11, 2019 at 06:55 PM
  #1
I've loss a lot in my life. I'm 27. In elementary school within the span of a year (I was about 6 or 7yrs). I loss my eldest brother to suicide and then my eldest sister due to complications from car accident injures six months later. By the end of that span then my grandpa who lived with my family for a while (before he was put in like assisted living) passed.

It wasn't till middle school that I really processed their deaths and it affected me hard. It took till about 18 years old that I was okay with their deaths, processed and accepted a that happened.

About 3 or 4 years ago a close coworker committed suicide. That was hard because he was an adult living with bipolar. An older man who would be so nice to me and gave me a sense of that I could live with depression and anxiety because he made it through his struggle. He didn't judge me nor my sexual orientation (which was a touchy subject with my family). I still miss him to this day. I never spoke at his funeral. I wish I had.

Then last year, halloween to be exact my father passed after dealing with various health issues for years. Our best guess is his kidneys failed or heart gave out (he was living on his own because he was refusing medical help and the state wasn't really helping make him get help).

I had a complicated relationship with him. He was emotionally abusive and controlling. So his death was almost a sense of freedom. I spoke at his funeral and was kind of brutally honest about the man he was. Everyone was proud of me because they all saw him for who he was in the end.
Then a few weeks later my grandmother died as well. When we buried my dad we also buried my brother (my mom never could right after his death so held onto his ashes for years).
This all happened around my birthday (a hard time of the year I'll save for another post).

With it being the year anniversary it's been harder than I thought. I had this weird wish I could visit my father, sister and brother's grave.
Even with not feeling close to my dad.

I just kinda wanted to get that off my chest. Nothing more nothing less.

Last edited by bluekoi; Nov 11, 2019 at 09:06 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Default Nov 11, 2019 at 10:53 PM
  #2
(((safe hugs))) @Anxietysuxs I'm so sorry for all of your losses. That must be hard.

I can understand the relief, and even sometimes survivor's guilt. My best friend (age around 14 or 15) was murdered by some man, and then two years later, my father passed away from a heart attack during my finals in college. It took me years to get over those two deaths. I loved my father, but he was abusive. In the end, however, he wasn't abusive, but he was sick and surviving on an oxygen machine. We talked nearly every day, but I cannot remember what we talked about. I've lost a lot of memory, but I thought that was normal until years later, when I found out through therapy it wasn't. Anyway, I don't have any recovered memories at all, but what I do have are glimpes of memories I've had all my life. One of those memories included my feelings of relief when my father passed, because it was hard seeing him suffer every day in pain, and then my feelings of guilt ensued from having those feelings of relief. I never truly wished my father ill will, even if he abused us kids, because I knew of the good parts of him, too. Death is very hard. Loss is even harder. I'm so sorry. (((safe hugs)))
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Default Nov 19, 2019 at 10:16 PM
  #3
Hi Anxietysuxs. Sorry for your many losses. That must be difficult to come to terms with all those.

If it is not far away a trip to the graveside can be a release. There was no one around so I talked to my dad as if he could hear me. I think it was saying the things that I was grateful for lifted some of the disappointment in the relationship. It was not easy when someone expects someone like themselves and gets something else completely. But that is my story.

I also wrote some letters or journal entries that I never sent.

Another thing I had to do was accept that they were not coming back and somehow I needed to reinvent who I thought I was. My hopes of a better relationship were no longer viable. I had to see how they helped me and let go of my disappointments.

If any of this fits your situation, I am happy for that. Thanks for listening.

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Default Nov 23, 2019 at 06:40 AM
  #4
I'm so sorry for your losses.
Grief and loss in my life
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Unhappy Nov 23, 2019 at 02:46 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by CANDC View Post
Hi Anxietysuxs. Sorry for your many losses. That must be difficult to come to terms with all those.

If it is not far away a trip to the graveside can be a release. There was no one around so I talked to my dad as if he could hear me. I think it was saying the things that I was grateful for lifted some of the disappointment in the relationship. It was not easy when someone expects someone like themselves and gets something else completely. But that is my story.

I also wrote some letters or journal entries that I never sent.

Another thing I had to do was accept that they were not coming back and somehow I needed to reinvent who I thought I was. My hopes of a better relationship were no longer viable. I had to see how they helped me and let go of my disappointments.

If any of this fits your situation, I am happy for that. Thanks for listening.
I do visit a friend of mine who died suddenly and unexpectedly a few years ago. I talk to him as if he's right in front of me.

I also wrote some things down to both parents, things I never said or was going to send. It was just to get it out of my system.

Lost both parents in just about 2 years. Dad was the most recent loss, about 4 months ago. I didn't find out where they were laid to rest till about 3 months after he passed. And it took me a month to process the fact that it's FAR, FAR AWAY. I finally made it about 2 weeks ago, and it was 25 miles just one way. I don't drive that much in a month, and I took the streets since I'm scared of the freeways.

It took me almost 2 days to recover from that. Not only was it a long and exhausting drive, the reason or destination is emotionally charged. I stayed about 3 hours, saying what I wanted to say whether they liked it or not, accepted it or not. Wiped me out physically and emotionally. And I wish I didn't have to go alone, but my only sibling (and surviving family) isn't even speaking to me. That's another post or thread. We've been estranged for years, and the death of both parents have just made that rift even bigger.

I didn't have the best relationship with either of them. I said I think some people shouldn't BE parents and they fit that category. They could have "given" a bit near the end instead of being as rigid and distant as ever. I mean, it was going to be too late soon but both stayed as emotionally unavailable as ever.

I don't know why we worship parents in our culture. They are human too, which means they make mistakes and have flaws.

Anxietysuxs, I get your saying it's kind of a sense of freedom. Now with them gone, I can let go of hope that they will ever have an interest in having a REAL connection or relationship, esp. since they were getting older and having health issues. I'm relieved I don't have to listen to my mother's criticism of me or my dad's disdain for emotions or feelings. It's kind of a closure for me. Maybe I wasn't what they wanted me to be, but it goes both ways. And I told them such.

Even in death, they have up barriers from the world: In a locked, glass case in a couple of urns. And located near the entrance, where I had no privacy and people walking by all the time. A grave would have been more private and peaceful.

I won't be visiting them again for at least a few months, as I don't feel like driving that far that often. My friend is located in a cemetery much closer, and I can actually TALK to him. I couldn't talk to them honestly when they were alive, death wouldn't change that.

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Default Nov 23, 2019 at 03:42 PM
  #6
I am feeling really so sad to read all these posts.So many suffering from grief and loss.Bless your hearts.
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Heart Nov 25, 2019 at 01:34 PM
  #7
Anxietysux, I hope you find something that makes the pain less intense, even for brief periods of time.

I saw a segment on grief on Sunday Morning (CBS newsmagazine show) recently, and they said American culture doesn't allow people to grieve properly. You have to keep going to work, to school (bereavement leave is not common and if you get it, it's not enough days), etc. People are uncomfortable with loss in this culture, and it seems they just want you to get over it or be "normal" around them so THEY can feel more comfortable.

Grief or loss is universal, eventually touching everyone at some point. But there's a denial about it in this country. I had to vent because this time of the year is esp. painful. FAMILY, FRIENDS. I have no family left and few friends. A nice lady I know was kind enough to invite me to dinner Thur so I'm not alone. She knows I have no family (except an estranged brother), and she doesn't even know me well or has known me long. Yet she's reaching out.

There's a book that came out this year called Finding Meaning-The 6th stage of grief by David Kessler that I will try to read in a couple of months when I might be more "ready". I'm NOT saying that YOU should read this at all. It's not advice, as I hate people doing that to me. It's just letting you know what I'm trying to do, as it's so complicated esp. when you had a difficult relationship with the deceased like I had (in the case of my parents).


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