How do I break free from curse put on me?

I want to talk about something I don't know if I'm the only one concerned about it! it is particularly wrapped in a horrible feeling that lately can't even stop a minute thinking of it!!
Have been living all my life only thinking of a short cut! An access that sends me straight to my goals!
My story has lived with me somewhere near me in a cover through my days and my years...till it grown a wild beast!
I got to stick to the point directly! Somehow I was self focusing on myself through my years, selfish and isolated from people they love me! And i have been watching them dying the one after another!! Watching them dying behind a thick wall of glass!that was made and perfectly conceived to be a bulletproof and damned silencer!! Scream as loud as you could do! Nobody is gonna hear you! You Only hear the echo from the cold chamber inside your mind, which is your conscience and the feeling of guilt!.
Lost my uncle who used to be a father for us, and lately my mother has passed away,lost both of them in a sudden tragic happening.
my malignant acts has turned against me,something I did before has put a spell on me, I can't live as a normal person as like I used to be before! I'm cursed!
now i'm living my curse! The curse of expecting the next hit any time & any where!.
I watch them by the eye of I would never see them again.
And the worst thing of the story is I can't declare to them how much they mean for me! Being a (He) is not easy at all.
in fact being a (He) it consumed me and turned me into something strong and robust and tough to the point I'm shy to talk about my feelings and my fears,...neither being soft such as look in the eye and hold another (He) into my arms.

Perhaps this is something you might talk through with a psychologist or mental health therapist?

Well, to be honest never came to mind this probability, talking to psychologist, therapist, obviously There's something in me needs to be fixed, and wisely oriented, in such case like mine this may requires a psychological intervention from specialist,
Thanks for your proposal

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. Grief can do many things to a person.

Thank you Buffy01 for reposting my story, it means that the topic I touched is important, may it be a good lesson for everybody in the forum, especially for those who think work is everything.

I want to add that grief isn't easy, it makes the person losing the shimmer! Things I used to do in past made me happy! But not anymore! Somehow I lost the taste of life.

Only remember that you are human and you have the opportunity to learn but a big part of this knowledge will take place because of your mistakes and failures. Those are gonna be the new starting points.
You can’t blame yourself for being human.

Human being has nothing more and nothing else to do that evolve towards his independency. It’s the only task we have since we are born. From the beginning we depend on our caretakers, we are determined by many familiar, social and cultural circumstances and rules. No need to mention, the factors that determine us genetically, as an animal species.
You can’t undo what it was done but luckily or unluckily we were born with the capacity of going beyond ourselves. This is what makes you a person.