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Old 01-12-2020, 04:16 PM   #51
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Yes, it helps me to feel Iím not alone. To learn itís a new way of thinking is making me angry and Iím a fighter for injustice!
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Old 01-12-2020, 04:39 PM   #52
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I just now heard this song for the first time and am weeping from 2pac!


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Old 01-12-2020, 05:58 PM   #53
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Yeah. I am always amazed at how much people love their mama's. No matter what. Thank for sharing.
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Old 01-14-2020, 10:33 AM   #54
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I also have been looking at my genealogy. I actually broke some of the negative patterns. It's not easy the patterns are long and deeply ingrained. This is what my book is about.


I have seen character traits skip generations. My mother and my daughter both married repeatedly. Not twice but in my mother's case 5 times. My daughter four. Looking for Mr. Goodyear.


My granddaughter is more like me. She is reserved and does not act out. She is nothing like my daughter, her mother. I'm not much like my mother. As I said my mother saw my children rarely and they were not close. My daughter does not even know the details of her life.


I believe it is both structural, role modeling and spiritual. By structural I mean brain structure. If we can resemble others physically then so too can our brains. Brains vary a lot and some have less capacity for empathy than others and chemical makeup also effects empathy.


T h ere is a Ted talk that explains lot. The speakers name is

James Fallon, like the late night host. He is a neuroscientist who studied the brains of killers. He discovered something very strange. If you can find it it's very interesting. If you have any trouble finding it and you want to see it let me know.


Good to know that you are focused on your happiness. Some people have an abundance of empathy and forget to include sell.

I'm working ok raking on caring more for me. I even tell myself

"Good job" and other affirmations. It works.


Thanks for your post.


I will look up that YouTube video. I agree with you! Iíve been practicing daily prayer, daily gratitude and daily meditation. Most days Iím doing it at least... Iím really trying to face the pain and work through my grief.
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Old 01-14-2020, 10:35 AM   #55
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Oh I forgot to comment on your statement about the emotional state of the mother. I have yet to meet a perfect mother. I have never met a person whose childhood was without occasional strife.


I was at times depressed when my kids were young. Like you we talked. I took t them to see my therapist to help them understand..that it wasn't about them.


Lots of parents , especially when I was young explained nothing. Do as you are told was the rule. Yet somehow we did not abandon our parents or show total disrespect. We did not abandon our children when they were difficult. No one escapes childhood without some neurosis. As an adult one takes responsibility and finds their way.


So no doubt we were flawed. We did nothing to deserve this. I know you do not think and did not say that our children are justified in doing what was done to us.

It's just that life is hard. Harder for some than others. I want to tell my kids to grow up! Sorry if I'm ranting.


Yes, youíre right. None of us is perfect. Our kids will realize that when their own kids get older. My counselor says it happens when their kids get to the age that they were when problems started with their own parents.
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Old 01-14-2020, 10:38 AM   #56
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Where is our group? Iím confused? Iím not sure where to post - continue this thread or is there somewhere else?I think we could really help each other work through our grief in a positive and supportive way. I donít want to be sad and angry anymore. I know grief can be ongoing but I would like to stop going in circles.
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Old 01-14-2020, 03:54 PM   #57
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Where is our group? Iím confused? Iím not sure where to post - continue this thread or is there somewhere else?I think we could really help each other work through our grief in a positive and supportive way. I donít want to be sad and angry anymore. I know grief can be ongoing but I would like to stop going in circles.
How about we just keep posting here since itís easier to find than the group?

Iíd also like to see my son make some effort to maintain contact with us. It canít be all one-sided. Iím still shocked that he got his head so mixed up that this all happened in the first place. Didnít he remember that his parents are the number one people who want the best for him?

When I told my young kids about stranger danger and how they are to run away, I knew if a predator really went after them, theyíd probably go right along regardless of my warnings. This was the same thing.
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Old 01-15-2020, 07:10 AM   #58
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Where is our group? Iím confused? Iím not sure where to post - continue this thread or is there somewhere else?I think we could really help each other work through our grief in a positive and supportive way. I donít want to be sad and angry anymore. I know grief can be ongoing but I would like to stop going in circles.
Lily
I would like to work through my grief in a positive way. My thoughts on this include the question "how does one grieve children who are still present? Whether they are in contact or not?"

One thing that has helped me is to have decided that I will wait for them to contact me. I bounce back and forth on this but ultimately I believe that the responsibility to repair this lies with my children. I have reached out repeatedly and things get better for a time. Then something else happens that must be dealt with. I can bend and I have done so more than I would with any other human beings on the planet. But I've reached a limit . I need to know that they want a relationship with me. I have set minimal expectations to be met in order to begin the conversation.

I guess to break it down. I must know what my limits are as there is no way to predict what my children will say or do. I must accept that I have control over only me. My children know I am always open to any genuine attempt they might make towards reconciliation.

As to how one let's go and moves on in this extraordinary situation. I'm at a loss. To continue to hope that I will hear from them and they will express remorse, keeps the door and wounds open.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to resolve grief as complex as this?
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Old 01-15-2020, 11:50 AM   #59
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. . .

One thing that has helped me is to have decided that I will wait for them to contact me. I bounce back and forth on this but ultimately I believe that the responsibility to repair this lies with my children.
. . .

As to how one let's go and moves on in this extraordinary situation. I'm at a loss. To continue to hope that I will hear from them and they will express remorse, keeps the door and wounds open.
. . .?
For me, even though I thought/felt/believed that the ball was in my daughter's court to be interested/willing to try to resolve the impasse, I kept in contact with her by email, sending her information about my mother's passing, for instance, and other things that I believed she had a legitimate interest in and which I had in some sense a responsibility to send to her.

I also acted on the love that I had/have for her, when I could. I sent the grandchildren small birthday and Christmas gifts, not knowing whether they would get them or not. My anger, and hurt, are/were legitimate, and not to be ignored. But my longing and love are, too, and I felt they deserved some acting on when I could -- with no expectation of anything coming back from her. That helped me deal with the loss and complex feelings inside of me, whether I heard from her again or not.
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Old 01-15-2020, 01:38 PM   #60
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Lily
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to resolve grief as complex as this?
I keep in mind that we all effected each other. I loved them so much but my deep depression did contribute to my family's tragedy; however, it is SO SO important to work through the grief--as all of you are doing in this thread--and then move on. I am trying to live in the present moment. I am focussing on my own happiness and working towards a better financial future. I want them to focus on their own happiness too and accept that they just may not care about many of the same things I do or are just at a different stage of their lives. I still give (grocery gift cards, etc) when I am able because I assume some of the things done were because they struggled just as I did. I hope the extremely nonextravagent gifts (I do not want them to go hungry) give them a positive feeling. I pray for them daily. I pray my family will feel more togetherness. It is happening to a small extent. It is a little bit like what is expressed in the reading:

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