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Old 01-15-2020, 02:16 PM   #61
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Default Re: For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

This is still so fresh for me. I recommend the book for focusing on positive and living your best life. The author wastes no time with rumination and gets right to acceptance and healing. For me, I canít imagine having gone so positive right from the beginning. It is a natural reaction for me to feel all those other things first.
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
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Old 01-16-2020, 11:55 AM   #62
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Default Re: For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

Originally Posted by here today View Post
For me, even though I thought/felt/believed that the ball was in my daughter's court to be interested/willing to try to resolve the impasse, I kept in contact with her by email, sending her information about my mother's passing, for instance, and other things that I believed she had a legitimate interest in and which I had in some sense a responsibility to send to her.

I also acted on the love that I had/have for her, when I could. I sent the grandchildren small birthday and Christmas gifts, not knowing whether they would get them or not. My anger, and hurt, are/were legitimate, and not to be ignored. But my longing and love are, too, and I felt they deserved some acting on when I could -- with no expectation of anything coming back from her. That helped me deal with the loss and complex feelings inside of me, whether I heard from her again or not.
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Again, thank you for this. I applaud your decision to stay in touch and send gifts. I hope this softens your daughters heart. It may.

As I said my situation has gotten better then worse then better over a number of years. I did the same for years.

My grandchildren know that we are always available should they need anything. Several of them have lived with us as recently as two years ago. We assisted one grandson for several years which allowed him to get a very good job. The combination of a safe and stable home and his hard work has set him on a path to a lucrative career at the age of 23. We are so grateful that we were able to help him.

The grandchildren s father had a heart attack 2 years ago and died but was brought back. He was in a coma for weeks but made a complete recovery. However he lost his apartment while hospitalized and we took him in as well. After 8 months he was able to go back to work. He has taken on his parental responsibilities and is assisting the other three in finding good careers and has bought them cars etc. He was not around while they were young and we are thrilled to see the changes he has made since his near death experience. We remain available as needed but at the moment they are all in good situations.

My son's daughters are doing well and my son is very able and willing to provide anything they need. Including sending one granddaughter to India to study Yoga. She now has her own business teaching Yoga.

When I tried to communicate with them it did not work well. I often received irrelevant cruel responses. My son slandered me to his daughters and at his business. This was done while I and my husband were reaching out and unaware that there was discord.

I explain all of this because :
It feels good to put on paper all of the things we have done to show our love. Of course there is much more but these are examples. We have always gone above and beyond to give what we could and more.
To explain that in my case, giving is exploited. The best thing for me to do is to allow my children to take responsibility and grow up. They will be 46 and 47 year s old this year. They never lacked my (our) loving support , understanding and generosity. Apparently they need to experience some natural consequences.

I have read that other adult children behave this way, taking from and exploiting their loving parents. I am ashamed that my children lack integrity. For me, even though I would love to contact then, it's best to give them the time to perhaps find a better way.

I know they loved and missed me in years gone by when we were estranged. As I said it has gone back and forth for a few years.
They do feel it. This time when or if they call to attempt reconciliation it will be structured and strong boundaries set.
If they do not contact me I know I have done all I can.

As I mentioned in another post I raised them alone and it was hard. I take responsibility for my part. It's long past time for them to accept that life is hard and I pray that they find the maturity they lack.

I hope all of you are able to renew your relationships with your AC and I wish you peace.
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Old 01-16-2020, 12:30 PM   #63
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Default Re: For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

It sounds so hard, Paper Roses. So very, very hard. Glad the grandchildren are doing well -- none of mine are adults yet. It's possible that could happen when they are, too.

It's an enormous loss. Nobody's perfect, and yet, and yet -- they seem to have gotten what they needed to function at least mostly OK in the world. Why hate us at this point? And be unwilling, unable, unwanting to make things better? I really DON'T understand it. It is what it is and I don't understand.

I wish you peace as well.
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Old 01-16-2020, 12:46 PM   #64
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Default Re: For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

My counselor recommends giving myself time to heal and to focus on my own needs for now. That is what I am doing. He is convinced my daughter will come back. I donít know why and I donít see it happening. He says in many cases, however, they come back to us when they have a crisis. I have mixed feelings about that but Iím trying to just focus on a positive path for myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. Itís something Iíll have to work on myself and not wait on others. I donít want to be sad and bitter.
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