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Old 01-24-2020, 11:24 PM   #71
Paper Roses
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Default Re: For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags View Post


I could have written your post, Lilymop.


My husband is meeting our daughter for lunch today; he has promised to speak with her seriously about her estrangement with me. I'm so anxious about it I felt slightly sick. It will probably be another, "I'm not ready to contact Mom yet."

Beth,
I do hope that your daughter has softened a bit. That being said, we all know we must let go of the outcome.

I was doing ok and was focusing on me when I got a call from my brother yesterday. Long story but I will share a little for context.

My siblings, mostly my older sisters, ostracized me as well. I haven't spoken to the for 40 years with a few exceptions regarding health issues. This is when they call when someone is ill.
My sister L called my brother D to say another sister, B, is dying.

My sister B is 75 years old and the first of the seven of us to be terminally ill. I am sorry to hear this of course. I have had little contact with her for ,as I said, 40 years or more.

My brother then said that my sister L wanted my phone number and did I mind that he gave it to her? I don't mind but really I don't have much to say to her. L was the one who convinced my mother to exclude me, only me, from all family holiday gatherings. This began when I was 20. I was alone with two babies and spent my holidays with them. The reason given, trust me I was not a difficult adult child, was that my two year old bothered her five year old. He would want to play with her new toys. That was the only reason given. No calls or visits from any of the other six siblings ever happened on Christmas or other holidays.

Then I remembered abuse later in my thirties and the same sister turned the others against me even more saying I lied.

So now she wants to reconcile??? I'm not sure she will call but if she does I'm at a loss as to how I will handle it. Being so alone while raising my kids I think made it so much harder for me and them it no doubt contributed to our stress as a family. Ugh. I don't know what to say to her if s h e calls. I might be open to her apologizing but I'm sure she won't .

How can people be so cruel? Any suggestions as to what to do?
I might just ignore the call. It just brings back so much sadness.
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Old 01-25-2020, 03:53 PM   #72
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Default Re: For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

I am sorry for all those that have had the door slammed in their face as far as kids and grand kids go. That must be so rough. I feel sad just thinking of that.

But I want to say there is another group of people who their kids do not reject them but have little time for them. Picture 2 kids running around the house fighting while the mother yells to keep them from killing each other almost. The mom and dad have worked all week and are tired but they try to cope with all that.

So it is not always an idyllic thing even if your kids are open to talking once in a while. What I hope my point is that life is not ideal for any of us so we are all suffering.

I hear that people are trying to accept the situation. It is not easy. I keep going back to this video because it helps me deal with the parts of life I cannot control. mindful acceptance

hope I did not step on any toes but I keep seeing this thread but do not know what to say. My heart goes out to all of you
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Old Yesterday, 04:10 PM   #73
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Default Re: For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

Paper Roses,

So sorry, again, about your situation.

The roots and history of family dysfunction, estrangement, cold-heartedness, etc. are there in my family. It wasn't apparent when I was growing up. I internalized feelings of rejection and disapproval, worked all the harder to be "good", etc. Another familiar-type pattern, as well as others in the dysfunctional family "scripts". But it all fell apart, and the negativity came out, when my parents (divorced, so 2 separate times) declined and then passed away. I was trying to be "honest". Others would have nothing of it, or at any rate had views and opinions that they did not want, or were not able, to discuss. That's how it seems to me, anyway, my story, theirs may be different. All about how horrible and/or unacceptable I was. And, there, I was the one who walked away, after they would/could not address the issues I (sometimes intensely emotionally) raised.

My daughter likely had a view similar to theirs, although I don't think she's in touch with any of the family, either, currently. If she is, that is her business.

My sister and I inherited some property in common that necessitated our communicating about business. If it hadn't been for that I would not voluntarily be in contact with her and I doubt she would be with me. But sticking to business only has worked out pretty well -- I've been straightforward, mostly by email, and she's learned how to deal with me, as I have with her procrastination and overlooking stuff until I remind her again, etc. In the last couple of years she has expressed some appreciation for what I have done -- and in my emails I have consistently said "What do you think?" "Please let me know if you disagree about this." Etc. She expressed a desire to have a bit of a more personal relationship and we exchanged a few emails like that but there was some undying dynamic I just didn't like and didn't buy into. So we're back now just to business. Maybe we can find a way to move beyond that, maybe not.

40 years is a long time. Maybe the sister wants to try to apologize? And/or try to have a relationship of some sort? But without a history of doing that, I think it's hard, and my experience is that it is hard, to get something going at this point. Nevertheless. . .Maybe a smidge of good can come of it? What's the risk? Can you feel a way within yourself to protect yourself, in case something triggering comes up?
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Old Today, 08:40 AM   #74
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Default Re: For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

After reading the book, and trying everything I know to gently reach out to him, I get the message loud and clear that he wants nothing to do with us. I love him as much as I am capable of loving anyone. I have been the best parent I can be. I never had one issue or argument with him until this fallout. It was his SO who had to have been the driving force. As great as I think it was and I was, it must not have really been, or he never would have turned on us like this. Heís not wanting anything to do with us because heís not wanting anything to do with us. Thatís all there is to it.

People treat you how they want to for whatever reason. Thereís nothing you can do to make them love you when they donít.

At this point, heís telling our other son that he doesnít want to be estranged and he feels bad that he ghosted us. But he has continued to ghost us. So, he is saying hollow words to his brother. His actions are what speak the truth.

So, Iíll back off and wish him health and happiness. I will take his call should he want to talk anytime now or in the future.
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