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TishaBuv
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Default Mar 10, 2020 at 08:34 PM
  #101
@BethRags I hope your surgery goes well. We care about you here.

Update with my son: He demanded an apology from us for not going to his wedding. He says it is all our fault, not any of his, and will ‘punish’ us by refusing to speak to us until we apologize. My husband did apologize in a brief text between them where this was so rudely spat at him (our son never spoke that way before). The apology wasn’t good enough. He wants us to say all our feelings are completely invalid and we regret it all deeply.

So, we called upon my insistence. We asked for a skype call. He refused, said only over the phone voice only. My husband graveled out some self deprecating apology. Our son asked for mine. I said I want a skype call, so he relented.

I said I am truly sorry we did not attend. I dreamed of being able to be a part of a significant day in his life since he was born, of course. I would not say I was wrong. He did not like that. He said we stress him out. I asked when that started. “Was it when you lived at home?” “No,” he replied. Then he sheepishly admitted it started at the planning of his wedding.

I asked him if he wants any relationship with his parents because that’s all that really matters. He said he does, but doesn’t want much more than a light, casual, sparse contact. I said that’s a great start. I explained to him that all I ever expected from an adult son wasn’t really more than that anyway.

So, at least there was some contact and it felt good to see his face and speak to him. I detected a glimmer of himself inside that harsh, hateful, bitter young man he has become. He’s in there. Please God bring him to the surface.

I really feel he is brainwashed. Wouldn’t you go easy on your child who is being held emotional hostage and brainwashed by a cult? That’s what I am trying to feel now.

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Default Mar 11, 2020 at 06:32 PM
  #102
Thank you so much for your well wishes, TishaBuv.

Ahhh...these kids. Aren't these types of behaviors that are typical of teenagers? It's driving me nuts, and it hurts. It tears lives apart.


Well, it's a huge positive that your son is agreeing to even "sparse" contact.


What can we hope for, except that they find maturity while they are "finding themselves"?

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Default Mar 12, 2020 at 06:19 PM
  #103
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Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
Thank you so much for your well wishes, TishaBuv.

Ahhh...these kids. Aren't these types of behaviors that are typical of teenagers? It's driving me nuts, and it hurts. It tears lives apart.


Well, it's a huge positive that your son is agreeing to even "sparse" contact.


What can we hope for, except that they find maturity while they are "finding themselves"?
He texted me and my husband yesterday just to say hi, like he said he would that Skype conversation. We told him we were crying tears of joy. We’re keeping it slow and light. I’m glad he’s well. I was so worried not knowing about him, especially with Coronavirus.

I prayed, apologized as he wanted best I could, and kept gently reaching out. Hopefully things will continue to improve.

His wife never got on the call. She is taking a shower whenever we speak to our son. We didn’t bring her up. So it is obvious how she feels.

All I care about is not losing him. It’s shaky, but I feel some relief. I’m counting my blessings for that right now.

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Default Aug 01, 2020 at 06:18 PM
  #104
I am happy to have finally found a type of support group/forum about adult children estrangement, it has not been easy to find resources and/or support. Hoping to get some of that from this online community.

I am actually reaching out to see if I can help a friend who is dealing the estrangement of his now 20 something year old daughter. She has a history of mental health issues, dissociative disorder, which might explain her estrangement? I do not know that much about that disorder - if anyone has any experience and our resources to recommend, please send them my way.

She had been living with her dad and had plans to attend a local community college. Her dad helped her find a place to stay and was in the process of moving in on her own and starting school. Then suddenly no contact with her father. The daughter had reached out to her mom and then checked herself into mental health facility. Because the daughter was over 18, the father was not able to get any information about her, her status, etc. The mother has been uncooperative in sharing any info she has about the daughter and it is possible the daughter has since not been in contact with the mother as well.

What is most challenging about this situation is 2 fold.
1) the abruptness of the estrangement, there was no big fight, no communication as to why there would be no contact moving forward, etc. The daughter & father had has a strong relationship up until this point.
2) not sure how much her mental health has played into this situation? Is she consciously not reaching out to somehow protect herself? or maybe one of her other personalities does not realize that her father exists?

My friend, her father, has been heart broken about this estrangement and didn't see it coming, was given no explanation, no nothing. If she has told him that she needed space and didn't want to have contact, although it would have been difficult to hear, he would at least know that it was a conscious choice.
I am not sure how to support him. I want him to be hopeful but yet want him to be able to move on with his life and dwell on this estrangement. However, that is much easier said than done. He feels that is can not give up on his daughter and is not willing to accept this.
I have tried to say that, unfortunately, it is not his choice. He can not control what she does, he has not means to contact her, I do hope that she reached out one day, but in the meantime, I have tried to tell him he need to focus on himself and his happiness.
He has been unable to do this and for over 4 years this estrangement has been wearing him down.

Anyone have suggestions on how I can support someone going through this. I want him to be hopeful but yet it is possible that there might not be future contact and by holding onto that hope just never lets him move on.

thanks in advance for reading and sharing any thoughts. ...
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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 04:13 AM
  #105
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Originally Posted by sunshinefl View Post
....
I am actually reaching out to see if I can help a friend who is dealing the estrangement of his now 20 something year old daughter. She has a history of mental health issues, dissociative disorder, which might explain her estrangement?
....
Then suddenly no contact with her father. The daughter had reached out to her mom and then checked herself into mental health facility. Because the daughter was over 18, the father was not able to get any information about her, her status, etc. The mother has been uncooperative in sharing any info she has about the daughter and it is possible the daughter has since not been in contact with the mother as well.
....
I want him to be hopeful but yet want him to be able to move on with his life and dwell on this estrangement. However, that is much easier said than done. He feels that is can not give up on his daughter and is not willing to accept this.....
Welcome to PC!

That his daughter checked herself into a mental health care facility seems like good news to me. While I have no idea for sure, there is a possibility that the estrangement is due to her mental illness. For example, I have experienced paranoia of others before in part because of my mental illness. The right medications set this straight.

Many times, my husband encouraged me to be hopeful when a child was making bad decisions. Perhaps remind him that she has to learn how to manage her mental illness herself. Some of us have a tendency to want to do things for our children but in many cases they learn faster if we let them figure it out on their own. In any case, he has no choice but to wait. You sound like a good friend.
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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 08:36 AM
  #106
Hi @sunshinefl, I read a book called “Done With The Crying” by Sheri McGregor. i talk about it earlier in this thread. It was the saddest book I ever read and cried through it. Many parents became estranged from their adult children with absolutely no explanation! The book focuses on how to move forward, live your life, and accept the estrangement. Some parents never give up hope and wanting to try to repair and some do accept there is no hope.

In my situation, it was a rift to an otherwise wonderful relationship. We are no longer estranged, but the relationship is careful and minimal. I know it was due to his allegiance to a person he placed above and beyond all others, including his family. Only time will tell how this goes. I feel greatly better to at least be on speaking terms and empathize with the intense pain your friend and others in the same position feel.

My take on estrangement is that it seems to be a fairly common, acceptable choice right now; almost a movement. I can see it as a last resort with an extremely abusive parent, but there are thousands of good parents who are on the receiving end right now.

You are a good friend to reach out to help him. He is fortunate to have you.

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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 10:43 PM
  #107
Thanks TishaBuv for your response and so happy you are no longer estranged - I am sure it is quite a relief!! Hope all continues to go well and as you said keep it light and don't push the envelope and hope you can rebuild your relationship. I have seen references to that book, may have to order it and see what is says.

I think moving forward and trying to focus on himself and his happiness would be the best thing, but his guilt as a parent & thinking he did something to cause this, or trying to figure out if there was something he could have done to prevent this, is where he gets caught up. And the not knowing if this is a result of her mental illness, and the plain just not knowing where she is, if she's ok, how she is doing, especially now with all this craziness going on in the world. I think it would be easier for him if he knew she was happy, healthy and doing well. Even if it didn't include him, but he has no information.

thanks again for your support & encouragement. Hoping I can find more people that are dealing wtih this and find out how they are managing/coping etc.
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Default Aug 03, 2020 at 09:12 AM
  #108
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Originally Posted by sunshinefl View Post
Thanks TishaBuv for your response and so happy you are no longer estranged - I am sure it is quite a relief!! Hope all continues to go well and as you said keep it light and don't push the envelope and hope you can rebuild your relationship. I have seen references to that book, may have to order it and see what is says.

I think moving forward and trying to focus on himself and his happiness would be the best thing, but his guilt as a parent & thinking he did something to cause this, or trying to figure out if there was something he could have done to prevent this, is where he gets caught up. And the not knowing if this is a result of her mental illness, and the plain just not knowing where she is, if she's ok, how she is doing, especially now with all this craziness going on in the world. I think it would be easier for him if he knew she was happy, healthy and doing well. Even if it didn't include him, but he has no information.

thanks again for your support & encouragement. Hoping I can find more people that are dealing wtih this and find out how they are managing/coping etc.
Has he considered reporting her to the police as a missing person? If she just up and disappeared like that it could have been foul play.

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Default Sep 03, 2020 at 06:12 PM
  #109
I was a very young when I had my oldest son. He just turned 22, and I'll be 40 soon. Maybe I was wrong too because me and his father separated when he was a toddler, and I wanted to make sure that he was going to be able to be a part of both if out lives. Unfortunately, his father didn't see it that way. When we first broke up, I encouraged his father to make the effort to see. He did everything he could to keep me away - the ultimate betrayal. Up until he was fifteen he was regularly checking with me on top of our regular visits. When it got difficult for me to stay in contact, my family made it easy for him to stay away.

I have a sense of where you coming from because either way it goes, we both fell the same way- we miss our children. However they have stayed away, it's still a loss, and we are grieving. It especially hurts more because they are still alive - it's not like we're never going to see them again, but the fact that they "are so close yet so far away" is gut wrenching.
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Default Sep 06, 2020 at 07:15 PM
  #110
I am very sorry for the loss of a relationship with your son. You mention that your family "made it easy" for him to stay away, so it seems that your family is/was encouraging him, that is disheartening to hear as well. Do you know why he has not been communicating? Do you at least know where he is and that he is safe and doing ok? Hopefully it is just a phase he is going through, as teenagers want to feel independent and are dealing with lots of changes within themselves during the teenage years. As you mentioned, they are still alive, but you have to grieve the loss of the relationship that you don't have with your child that you thought you would have. I don't know your situation, but try to remain cautiously hopefully that things will turn around.
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