advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 15, 2020 at 02:16 PM
  #61
This is still so fresh for me. I recommend the book for focusing on positive and living your best life. The author wastes no time with rumination and gets right to acceptance and healing. For me, I can’t imagine having gone so positive right from the beginning. It is a natural reaction for me to feel all those other things first.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
here today, LilyMop, Paper Roses

advertisement
Paper Roses
Member
Paper Roses Spellint
 
Member Since: Jan 2010
Location: California
Posts: 81
10 yr Member
14 hugs
given
Default Jan 16, 2020 at 11:55 AM
  #62
Quote:
Originally Posted by here today View Post
For me, even though I thought/felt/believed that the ball was in my daughter's court to be interested/willing to try to resolve the impasse, I kept in contact with her by email, sending her information about my mother's passing, for instance, and other things that I believed she had a legitimate interest in and which I had in some sense a responsibility to send to her.

I also acted on the love that I had/have for her, when I could. I sent the grandchildren small birthday and Christmas gifts, not knowing whether they would get them or not. My anger, and hurt, are/were legitimate, and not to be ignored. But my longing and love are, too, and I felt they deserved some acting on when I could -- with no expectation of anything coming back from her. That helped me deal with the loss and complex feelings inside of me, whether I heard from her again or not.
Here Now
Again, thank you for this. I applaud your decision to stay in touch and send gifts. I hope this softens your daughters heart. It may.

As I said my situation has gotten better then worse then better over a number of years. I did the same for years.

My grandchildren know that we are always available should they need anything. Several of them have lived with us as recently as two years ago. We assisted one grandson for several years which allowed him to get a very good job. The combination of a safe and stable home and his hard work has set him on a path to a lucrative career at the age of 23. We are so grateful that we were able to help him.

The grandchildren s father had a heart attack 2 years ago and died but was brought back. He was in a coma for weeks but made a complete recovery. However he lost his apartment while hospitalized and we took him in as well. After 8 months he was able to go back to work. He has taken on his parental responsibilities and is assisting the other three in finding good careers and has bought them cars etc. He was not around while they were young and we are thrilled to see the changes he has made since his near death experience. We remain available as needed but at the moment they are all in good situations.

My son's daughters are doing well and my son is very able and willing to provide anything they need. Including sending one granddaughter to India to study Yoga. She now has her own business teaching Yoga.

When I tried to communicate with them it did not work well. I often received irrelevant cruel responses. My son slandered me to his daughters and at his business. This was done while I and my husband were reaching out and unaware that there was discord.

I explain all of this because :
It feels good to put on paper all of the things we have done to show our love. Of course there is much more but these are examples. We have always gone above and beyond to give what we could and more.
And
To explain that in my case, giving is exploited. The best thing for me to do is to allow my children to take responsibility and grow up. They will be 46 and 47 year s old this year. They never lacked my (our) loving support , understanding and generosity. Apparently they need to experience some natural consequences.

I have read that other adult children behave this way, taking from and exploiting their loving parents. I am ashamed that my children lack integrity. For me, even though I would love to contact then, it's best to give them the time to perhaps find a better way.

I know they loved and missed me in years gone by when we were estranged. As I said it has gone back and forth for a few years.
They do feel it. This time when or if they call to attempt reconciliation it will be structured and strong boundaries set.
If they do not contact me I know I have done all I can.

As I mentioned in another post I raised them alone and it was hard. I take responsibility for my part. It's long past time for them to accept that life is hard and I pray that they find the maturity they lack.

I hope all of you are able to renew your relationships with your AC and I wish you peace.

__________________
Paper Roses is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, here today
 
Thanks for this!
LilyMop
here today
Grand Magnate
here today has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,515
10 yr Member
1,429 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 16, 2020 at 12:30 PM
  #63
It sounds so hard, Paper Roses. So very, very hard. Glad the grandchildren are doing well -- none of mine are adults yet. It's possible that could happen when they are, too.

It's an enormous loss. Nobody's perfect, and yet, and yet -- they seem to have gotten what they needed to function at least mostly OK in the world. Why hate us at this point? And be unwilling, unable, unwanting to make things better? I really DON'T understand it. It is what it is and I don't understand.

I wish you peace as well.
here today is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
LilyMop, Paper Roses
LilyMop
Veteran Member
 
LilyMop's Avatar
LilyMop Hoping
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: U.S.
Posts: 709
3 yr Member
81 hugs
given
Default Jan 16, 2020 at 12:46 PM
  #64
My counselor recommends giving myself time to heal and to focus on my own needs for now. That is what I am doing. He is convinced my daughter will come back. I don’t know why and I don’t see it happening. He says in many cases, however, they come back to us when they have a crisis. I have mixed feelings about that but I’m trying to just focus on a positive path for myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. It’s something I’ll have to work on myself and not wait on others. I don’t want to be sad and bitter.
LilyMop is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Paper Roses, TunedOut
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 23, 2020 at 02:02 PM
  #65
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post
My counselor recommends giving myself time to heal and to focus on my own needs for now. That is what I am doing. He is convinced my daughter will come back. I don’t know why and I don’t see it happening. He says in many cases, however, they come back to us when they have a crisis. I have mixed feelings about that but I’m trying to just focus on a positive path for myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. It’s something I’ll have to work on myself and not wait on others. I don’t want to be sad and bitter.

I could have written your post, Lilymop.


My husband is meeting our daughter for lunch today; he has promised to speak with her seriously about her estrangement with me. I'm so anxious about it I felt slightly sick. It will probably be another, "I'm not ready to contact Mom yet."

__________________




*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Paper Roses
 
Thanks for this!
LilyMop, Paper Roses
LilyMop
Veteran Member
 
LilyMop's Avatar
LilyMop Hoping
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: U.S.
Posts: 709
3 yr Member
81 hugs
given
Default Jan 23, 2020 at 03:17 PM
  #66
@BethRags

I hope it goes well. I truly hope she will reconnect with you.

I am working on accepting that I cannot control any of this.
LilyMop is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 23, 2020 at 08:23 PM
  #67
He spoke with her. She teared up and said she misses me, but that she needs time to individuate. I understand that, because she and I were so very close. Some people might say "enmeshed." I do, however, suspect that she's seeing a therapist who is encouraging my daughter's "break." I really wish the therapist would have my daughter and I in for a session, and hear the full story.

__________________




*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TishaBuv
 
Thanks for this!
LilyMop
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 23, 2020 at 08:24 PM
  #68
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post
@BethRags

I hope it goes well. I truly hope she will reconnect with you.

I am working on accepting that I cannot control any of this.

My heart goes out to you. I'm sending you empathy and strength. Loads of strength.

__________________




*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
LilyMop
LilyMop
Veteran Member
 
LilyMop's Avatar
LilyMop Hoping
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: U.S.
Posts: 709
3 yr Member
81 hugs
given
Default Jan 23, 2020 at 09:39 PM
  #69
Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
He spoke with her. She teared up and said she misses me, but that she needs time to individuate. I understand that, because she and I were so very close. Some people might say "enmeshed." I do, however, suspect that she's seeing a therapist who is encouraging my daughter's "break." I really wish the therapist would have my daughter and I in for a session, and hear the full story.

I’m glad to hear that she misses you. Maybe you can take this time to focus on your own needs and try to accept and have faith that things will work out in time. I’m hoping it does work out for the best for you. For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself
LilyMop is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 24, 2020 at 10:43 PM
  #70
Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
He spoke with her. She teared up and said she misses me, but that she needs time to individuate. I understand that, because she and I were so very close. Some people might say "enmeshed." I do, however, suspect that she's seeing a therapist who is encouraging my daughter's "break." I really wish the therapist would have my daughter and I in for a session, and hear the full story.
It’s good that communication is open between her and your husband. Maybe he can ask her to specifically list the things you do that make her feel too enmeshed, and you can maintain minimal contact while changing the relationship to what works for her.

I feel this go no contact school of thought is extremely cruel in the cases of good parents. Forgive my anger at the therapists for encouraging such severe punishment, rather than working on building healthier relationships.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*
Paper Roses
Member
Paper Roses Spellint
 
Member Since: Jan 2010
Location: California
Posts: 81
10 yr Member
14 hugs
given
Default Jan 24, 2020 at 11:24 PM
  #71
Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags View Post


I could have written your post, Lilymop.


My husband is meeting our daughter for lunch today; he has promised to speak with her seriously about her estrangement with me. I'm so anxious about it I felt slightly sick. It will probably be another, "I'm not ready to contact Mom yet."

Beth,
I do hope that your daughter has softened a bit. That being said, we all know we must let go of the outcome.

I was doing ok and was focusing on me when I got a call from my brother yesterday. Long story but I will share a little for context.

My siblings, mostly my older sisters, ostracized me as well. I haven't spoken to the for 40 years with a few exceptions regarding health issues. This is when they call when someone is ill.
My sister L called my brother D to say another sister, B, is dying.

My sister B is 75 years old and the first of the seven of us to be terminally ill. I am sorry to hear this of course. I have had little contact with her for ,as I said, 40 years or more.

My brother then said that my sister L wanted my phone number and did I mind that he gave it to her? I don't mind but really I don't have much to say to her. L was the one who convinced my mother to exclude me, only me, from all family holiday gatherings. This began when I was 20. I was alone with two babies and spent my holidays with them. The reason given, trust me I was not a difficult adult child, was that my two year old bothered her five year old. He would want to play with her new toys. That was the only reason given. No calls or visits from any of the other six siblings ever happened on Christmas or other holidays.

Then I remembered abuse later in my thirties and the same sister turned the others against me even more saying I lied.

So now she wants to reconcile??? I'm not sure she will call but if she does I'm at a loss as to how I will handle it. Being so alone while raising my kids I think made it so much harder for me and them it no doubt contributed to our stress as a family. Ugh. I don't know what to say to her if s h e calls. I might be open to her apologizing but I'm sure she won't .

How can people be so cruel? Any suggestions as to what to do?
I might just ignore the call. It just brings back so much sadness.

__________________
Paper Roses is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
here today
 
Thanks for this!
LilyMop
CANDC
Super Moderator
Community Support Team
Community Liaison
Chat Leader
 
CANDC's Avatar
CANDC has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
Posts: 17,326 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
2,307 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 25, 2020 at 03:53 PM
  #72
I am sorry for all those that have had the door slammed in their face as far as kids and grand kids go. That must be so rough. I feel sad just thinking of that.

But I want to say there is another group of people who their kids do not reject them but have little time for them. Picture 2 kids running around the house fighting while the mother yells to keep them from killing each other almost. The mom and dad have worked all week and are tired but they try to cope with all that.

So it is not always an idyllic thing even if your kids are open to talking once in a while. What I hope my point is that life is not ideal for any of us so we are all suffering.

I hear that people are trying to accept the situation. It is not easy. I keep going back to this video because it helps me deal with the parts of life I cannot control. mindful acceptance

hope I did not step on any toes but I keep seeing this thread but do not know what to say. My heart goes out to all of you

__________________
Super Moderator
Community Support Team

"Things Take Time"
CANDC is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
here today, LilyMop, Paper Roses, TishaBuv, TunedOut
here today
Grand Magnate
here today has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,515
10 yr Member
1,429 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 26, 2020 at 04:10 PM
  #73
Paper Roses,

So sorry, again, about your situation.

The roots and history of family dysfunction, estrangement, cold-heartedness, etc. are there in my family. It wasn't apparent when I was growing up. I internalized feelings of rejection and disapproval, worked all the harder to be "good", etc. Another familiar-type pattern, as well as others in the dysfunctional family "scripts". But it all fell apart, and the negativity came out, when my parents (divorced, so 2 separate times) declined and then passed away. I was trying to be "honest". Others would have nothing of it, or at any rate had views and opinions that they did not want, or were not able, to discuss. That's how it seems to me, anyway, my story, theirs may be different. All about how horrible and/or unacceptable I was. And, there, I was the one who walked away, after they would/could not address the issues I (sometimes intensely emotionally) raised.

My daughter likely had a view similar to theirs, although I don't think she's in touch with any of the family, either, currently. If she is, that is her business.

My sister and I inherited some property in common that necessitated our communicating about business. If it hadn't been for that I would not voluntarily be in contact with her and I doubt she would be with me. But sticking to business only has worked out pretty well -- I've been straightforward, mostly by email, and she's learned how to deal with me, as I have with her procrastination and overlooking stuff until I remind her again, etc. In the last couple of years she has expressed some appreciation for what I have done -- and in my emails I have consistently said "What do you think?" "Please let me know if you disagree about this." Etc. She expressed a desire to have a bit of a more personal relationship and we exchanged a few emails like that but there was some undying dynamic I just didn't like and didn't buy into. So we're back now just to business. Maybe we can find a way to move beyond that, maybe not.

40 years is a long time. Maybe the sister wants to try to apologize? And/or try to have a relationship of some sort? But without a history of doing that, I think it's hard, and my experience is that it is hard, to get something going at this point. Nevertheless. . .Maybe a smidge of good can come of it? What's the risk? Can you feel a way within yourself to protect yourself, in case something triggering comes up?
here today is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Paper Roses
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 27, 2020 at 08:40 AM
  #74
After reading the book, and trying everything I know to gently reach out to him, I get the message loud and clear that he wants nothing to do with us. I love him as much as I am capable of loving anyone. I have been the best parent I can be. I never had one issue or argument with him until this fallout. It was his SO who had to have been the driving force. As great as I think it was and I was, it must not have really been, or he never would have turned on us like this. He’s not wanting anything to do with us because he’s not wanting anything to do with us. That’s all there is to it.

People treat you how they want to for whatever reason. There’s nothing you can do to make them love you when they don’t.

At this point, he’s telling our other son that he doesn’t want to be estranged and he feels bad that he ghosted us. But he has continued to ghost us. So, he is saying hollow words to his brother. His actions are what speak the truth.

So, I’ll back off and wish him health and happiness. I will take his call should he want to talk anytime now or in the future.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
here today
 
Thanks for this!
here today
Paper Roses
Member
Paper Roses Spellint
 
Member Since: Jan 2010
Location: California
Posts: 81
10 yr Member
14 hugs
given
Default Jan 29, 2020 at 01:45 AM
  #75
Quote:
Originally Posted by here today View Post
Paper Roses,

So sorry, again, about your situation.

The roots and history of family dysfunction, estrangement, cold-heartedness, etc. are there in my family. It wasn't apparent when I was growing up. I internalized feelings of rejection and disapproval, worked all the harder to be "good", etc. Another familiar-type pattern, as well as others in the dysfunctional family "scripts". But it all fell apart, and the negativity came out, when my parents (divorced, so 2 separate times) declined and then passed away. I was trying to be "honest". Others would have nothing of it, or at any rate had views and opinions that they did not want, or were not able, to discuss. That's how it seems to me, anyway, my story, theirs may be different. All about how horrible and/or unacceptable I was. And, there, I was the one who walked away, after they would/could not address the issues I (sometimes intensely emotionally) raised.

My daughter likely had a view similar to theirs, although I don't think she's in touch with any of the family, either, currently. If she is, that is her business.

My sister and I inherited some property in common that necessitated our communicating about business. If it hadn't been for that I would not voluntarily be in contact with her and I doubt she would be with me. But sticking to business only has worked out pretty well -- I've been straightforward, mostly by email, and she's learned how to deal with me, as I have with her procrastination and overlooking stuff until I remind her again, etc. In the last couple of years she has expressed some appreciation for what I have done -- and in my emails I have consistently said "What do you think?" "Please let me know if you disagree about this." Etc. She expressed a desire to have a bit of a more personal relationship and we exchanged a few emails like that but there was some undying dynamic I just didn't like and didn't buy into. So we're back now just to business. Maybe we can find a way to move beyond that, maybe not.

40 years is a long time. Maybe the sister wants to try to apologize? And/or try to have a relationship of some sort? But without a history of doing that, I think it's hard, and my experience is that it is hard, to get something going at this point. Nevertheless. . .Maybe a smidge of good can come of it? What's the risk? Can you feel a way within yourself to protect yourself, in case something triggering comes up?
Here Today
Thank for sharing. I often think I am the only one who's family of origin abandoned. In my case the initial rejection was based on nothing. Nothing that makes sense. It is rather shocking to most.

Try to make it short. The sister, L, who has said she wants to call me in hopes of reconciliation lived with my mother her entire life. She had two children with two different men several years apart. She decided when I was 21 years old that I should not be included in holiday gatherings. My mother agreed. I don't know if she had any objections but she agreed. I had an 18 month old son and a 4 month old daughter at the time. The reason given for my being ostracized was that my 18 month old might want to play with her 5 year old daughters toys. She did not like sharing and no other solution to an older cousin finding a way to cope with a younger cousin was explored.

I spent Christmas and other holidays alone with my little ones. I was separated from my husband. I was told not to come over. They lived about 10 miles away. My very good friend insisted I come to her house but over the years I found that this was difficult for my children and I. Alone, I spent the time at my friends house trying to keep them occupied. She had no children for the first few years and her house was full of breakable. She tried but ultimately I stayed home where the children could play with their things and nap in their beds.

I have 6 siblings and I was the only one excluded. This went on _well I never celebrated a holiday with them again. I asked my brother recently if anyone ever wondered where I was? He said that he assumed or was told I had other plans.

Later, many years later, I did remember some things and L said I lied.

I tolerated this for a decade allowing my mother to pick and choose when she would see me. My self esteem was very low and I did not realize how abusive this was until I shared it with my therapist when I was 34. It was just normal. I cried on those long holidays after putting my kids to bed and imagined that one of my siblings might call or drop by for a cup of coffee. It never happened.

Is L calling to apologize, I really doubt it but I could be wrong. She has not called and may not. She might have just been having an emotional reaction that passed.

If she does call I have decided to give it a few minutes of pleasantries. I will then ask her why she called. I will insist that my requirements for reconciliation will include both of us sharing our understanding of what happened and how to fix it. I will offer to bring my therapist in on the call to assist.

I think it's very u unlikely that it would get that far. She will not even call.

It caused me to go back and revisit those years. There is always " leftover" pain to be felt it seems no matter how long ago.

I went on to get a B.A. and an M.A. and to have a successful career.
I believe I did a good job of caring for my children. In retrospect I know I gave too much and expected too life from my children. How could I not expect too little? Now I have selfish adult children who have nothing to give me. Full circle.

I'm ok. Not so overwhelmed since I devised a plan in case she calls.
My mom is gone and L turned most of my Siblings against me. They have nothing I want or need at this time.

__________________
Paper Roses is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
here today
Paper Roses
Member
Paper Roses Spellint
 
Member Since: Jan 2010
Location: California
Posts: 81
10 yr Member
14 hugs
given
Default Jan 29, 2020 at 01:54 AM
  #76
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
After reading the book, and trying everything I know to gently reach out to him, I get the message loud and clear that he wants nothing to do with us. I love him as much as I am capable of loving anyone. I have been the best parent I can be. I never had one issue or argument with him until this fallout. It was his SO who had to have been the driving force. As great as I think it was and I was, it must not have really been, or he never would have turned on us like this. He’s not wanting anything to do with us because he’s not wanting anything to do with us. That’s all there is to it.

People treat you how they want to for whatever reason. There’s nothing you can do to make them love you when they don’t.

At this point, he’s telling our other son that he doesn’t want to be estranged and he feels bad that he ghosted us. But he has continued to ghost us. So, he is saying hollow words to his brother. His actions are what speak the truth.

So, I’ll back off and wish him health and happiness. I will take his call should he want to talk anytime now or in the future.
Trisha,
I've been where you are now. The beginning of trying to accept and move on. It may change. Your son may decide he wants back in. Try to explore it more with him if he does. Whatever caused his initial withdrawal does not disappear.

Mine have gone and come back a few times. I now have expectations regarding attempts to reconcile. If it's free it has little value it seems.

Focus on you. Don't blame yourself.

__________________
Paper Roses is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
TishaBuv
here today
Grand Magnate
here today has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,515
10 yr Member
1,429 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 29, 2020 at 03:12 PM
  #77
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paper Roses View Post
. . .
I'm ok. Not so overwhelmed since I devised a plan in case she calls.
My mom is gone and L turned most of my Siblings against me. They have nothing I want or need at this time.
Sounds like some very sad facts. Glad you are OK.
here today is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
LilyMop
Veteran Member
 
LilyMop's Avatar
LilyMop Hoping
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: U.S.
Posts: 709
3 yr Member
81 hugs
given
Default Feb 01, 2020 at 04:56 PM
  #78
I’ve been thinking a lot about some things my counselor said recently and I’m feeling confused. Maybe you can help me sort this out?

I’ve spent the past 13 years feeling very hurt about my daughter leaving home abruptly at age 18 and cutting off ties with me. She’s been low contact since then - occasional texts, rarely called and mostly just posted stuff on my Facebook. She did call me around her birthday and Xmas which I always felt was to make sure I would send her gifts. She’s visited about once a year and only a few times at Christmas. I used to spend a lot on gifts or gift cards for her. I used to save money in the hopes I could help her with a car or get out of debt but I never agreed with her choices. As the distance between us grew and as she seemed to be resenting more and more I kept cutting back on gifts because I didn’t feel appreciated.

My counselor pointed out that waiting for her to do what I thought was the right choice before I helped her financially might really be about control on my part and I agree with him. He’s right. I thought she needed to learn some lessons and grow up so I saved money and set it aside and waited. I’ve guilted myself extensively about not helping her. I kept waiting and she never took responsibility for her life in the way I thought she should. I worked hard in my life and I always thought she should do the same.

Here’s what I’m thinking. I think instead of focusing on my heartbreak and focusing on the relationship I wanted to have with her, I should have focused on accepting reality and just accepting whatever it was she had to offer me, even if it wasn’t how I wanted things to be. People can only give what they have to give and nothing more.

I also think I should have accepted that she made her life choices and it was ok if I didn’t agree. I also should have accepted that my ability to help her, financially or otherwise, was limited. How do you love and care for and give to a person who isn’t really in your life?

I desperately want to accept that I can’t have the relationship with my daughter that I always dreamed of and I desperately want to stop berating myself with guilt.

Am I on the right track? I feel so confused. One minute I’m at peace and the next minute I feel heartbroken and full of guilt all over again.
LilyMop is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
here today, Paper Roses, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
Paper Roses
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 01, 2020 at 06:05 PM
  #79
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post
I’ve been thinking a lot about some things my counselor said recently and I’m feeling confused. Maybe you can help me sort this out?

I’ve spent the past 13 years feeling very hurt about my daughter leaving home abruptly at age 18 and cutting off ties with me. She’s been low contact since then - occasional texts, rarely called and mostly just posted stuff on my Facebook. She did call me around her birthday and Xmas which I always felt was to make sure I would send her gifts. She’s visited about once a year and only a few times at Christmas. I used to spend a lot on gifts or gift cards for her. I used to save money in the hopes I could help her with a car or get out of debt but I never agreed with her choices. As the distance between us grew and as she seemed to be resenting more and more I kept cutting back on gifts because I didn’t feel appreciated.

My counselor pointed out that waiting for her to do what I thought was the right choice before I helped her financially might really be about control on my part and I agree with him. He’s right. I thought she needed to learn some lessons and grow up so I saved money and set it aside and waited. I’ve guilted myself extensively about not helping her. I kept waiting and she never took responsibility for her life in the way I thought she should. I worked hard in my life and I always thought she should do the same.

Here’s what I’m thinking. I think instead of focusing on my heartbreak and focusing on the relationship I wanted to have with her, I should have focused on accepting reality and just accepting whatever it was she had to offer me, even if it wasn’t how I wanted things to be. People can only give what they have to give and nothing more.

I also think I should have accepted that she made her life choices and it was ok if I didn’t agree. I also should have accepted that my ability to help her, financially or otherwise, was limited. How do you love and care for and give to a person who isn’t really in your life?

I desperately want to accept that I can’t have the relationship with my daughter that I always dreamed of and I desperately want to stop berating myself with guilt.

Am I on the right track? I feel so confused. One minute I’m at peace and the next minute I feel heartbroken and full of guilt all over again.
My sister and mother have similar to this dynamic like you describe. My sister wasn’t making choices my mother thought were good, and she’s always let her know it. My mother makes no apologies and feels no guilt about this at all, though, unlike you. With them, it wasn’t a dynamic about financial support. It was about mom’s love and approval.

I don’t see anything wrong with you holding money for her until she made good decisions to use it; depending on the circumstances, I suppose. Do you think you were being overly critical?

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
here today, Paper Roses
LilyMop
Veteran Member
 
LilyMop's Avatar
LilyMop Hoping
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: U.S.
Posts: 709
3 yr Member
81 hugs
given
Default Feb 01, 2020 at 06:20 PM
  #80
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
My sister and mother have similar to this dynamic like you describe. My sister wasn’t making choices my mother thought were good, and she’s always let her know it. My mother makes no apologies and feels no guilt about this at all, though, unlike you. With them, it wasn’t a dynamic about financial support. It was about mom’s love and approval.


I don’t see anything wrong with you holding money for her until she made good decisions to use it; depending on the circumstances, I suppose. Do you think you were being overly critical?


I do think in my mind I was overly critical. I never, ever said a word though. I’ve never criticized or given her advice. I don’t state opinions, I don’t argue. My counselor thinks that my feelings showed through even though I never said them.

He also said that just because she has angry feelings about me not doing what she wanted or helping like she wanted doesn’t mean I have to guilt myself. That was an empowering thing for me to hear. He said her feelings about something don’t mean I have to feel the same way.
LilyMop is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
here today, Paper Roses
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:56 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.