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Member Since Oct 2016
Location: Europe
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#1
I will maybe ask later to delete the thread
My dad is currently fighting against the covid (worst scenario) and the doctors don't know if he's going to make it I've lost balance and people in the last thre years and i've been stupid and not enough careful in relationships I was scarred and often unable to talk, unavailable I feel tired and I think I was in a nightmare. I stayed in bed. Unemployed, alone and sleeping. I really wish I could go back and handle it better. But i was paralyzed and it happened Now it's getting worst I hope you can make better Be correct, be respectful and kind if you can Last edited by Gasplessy; Mar 21, 2020 at 02:48 PM.. |
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*Beth*, Blknblu, Open Eyes, TunedOut, winter4me, WovenGalaxy, zapatoes
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2012
Location: new england
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#2
You can only do what you can do. (((hug))) I hope your dad makes, whatever happens do take care of yourself and be kind to you.
__________________ "...don't say Home / the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris |
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zapatoes
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Gasplessy
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
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#3
How are things, Gasplessy?
This ***** is a horror show. __________________ |
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Gasplessy, winter4me, zapatoes
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Gasplessy
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Member
Member Since Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 404
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#4
I am sorry for whoever is going to read this
I'm posting a lot more than what used to be my standards I'm currently feeling a bit alone and defeated and don't really know who to talk to My father passed away yesterday due to covid19 Of course we weren't allowed to touch him for a last goodbye and now i feel really overwhelmed by everything. The loss, the undone, the guilt These last two years... Lord... i feel i've been such a beast in everything I hope people around the world will be able to overcome this moment in a good way |
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*Beth*, Blknblu, Open Eyes, Raindropvampire, TunedOut, zapatoes
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2019
Location: USA
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#5
I am praying for you Gasplessy.Losing a parent is a lot to grieve no matter what the situation. I am sorry your family was not able to tell him goodbye.
I am mostly praying that you are able to forgive yourself. You have been doing the best you can. You are a wonderful person. Perhaps you have been going through your "dark night of the soul"--we all have a shadow side that we have to come to terms with by loving it and forgiving it but then also learning to live without fear--sometimes our shadow side carries a lot of fear and shame but we can overcome it. ( YouTube) I remember that your relationship with your dad is complicated. It will take time to figure out what it all meant. Take time to grieve and come to terms with everything. Everyone has their own timeline but eventually your life will change for the better if you keep on seeking and trying. |
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Gasplessy, zapatoes
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Gasplessy
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#6
@Gasplessy,
I am so very sorry to learn your father lost the battle with this Covid19 virus. Yes, it's terrible that you were not able to visit him or be with him and I have read so many instances about how hard that is when a loved one is struggling and family can't be with them. Please do not blame yourself for anything you could not do. I am sure his spirit understands and wants you to know he is now at peace. |
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Gasplessy, TunedOut, zapatoes
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Gasplessy, TunedOut
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Member
Member Since Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 404
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#7
I was looking at a picture of me and my father. I was about 4, dressed in a carnival costume
His face kind and tired. He was clearly tryin to do his best, as long as my mother Dad used to work in a factory, sometimes at night Was really stressed My mom used to be stressed too. An employee, but in a not really safe environment She did so much for me and my sister I used to notice their struggles as a kid, and tried to be good I wanted to "save" the from their reality But growing up I became quite difficult, intolerant, angry, careless and lost my way I regret so much of what happened lately It was very chaotic This is life, afterall. You better know |
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Blknblu, Open Eyes, TunedOut
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2019
Location: USA
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#8
Quote:
Your parents did the best they could but life just gets hard sometimes. You did and are doing the best you can too! I believe we were all born into our family of origin for a reason and we are more like our parents or one of our ancestors than we realize. IMO the trauma, poverty, mistakes, love, joy, kindness, good decisions our parents and ancestors faced and made did effect their children. So does the decisions that the people around us have made--for instance, if our leaders choose to go to war or our nation has to go to war to defend itself, the ramifications can be quite intense. Even if COVID-19 goes away, it has effected you and will effect many for years to come. We have to just accept a lot of things in our life because we only have so much control but we can control this moment and what we choose to say, write, read, eat, do, etc. We can even learn to try to think more positively by what we are doing with each moment. Don't give up Gasplessly. Your grief will eventually get less intense so hang in there. Do what you can to make today good by having goals and working toward them. Check into PC as much as you want. It will take time to get over the loss of your dad. Forgive yourself and your parents. Hugs. |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 404
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#9
I have a messy personal situation and therefor so full of regrets. My life have been so empty lately
I wish i was a better daughter. I've been a monster for so long My parents were good and humble people and deserved more... poor souls Why did I let it ended so bad? Why? When did i stop caring enough? I wish this was just a bad nightmare I'm so sorry and wasted |
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Blknblu
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Member Since Oct 2016
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#10
Thank you, @TunedOut for your very kind words
But I don't kind i'm in the position to forgive myself. I feel like a murder... i stole life from my family and other people without realizing it. There is no relief... |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2019
Location: USA
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#11
Quote:
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Gasplessy
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*Beth*, Gasplessy
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Member
Member Since Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 404
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#12
I'm sorry, dad... I can't believe it happened and in such a way
I've been so lost and broken lately What a nightmare... every day i wish i could wake up in forgiven world I pray in my own silent -yet passive-aggressive - way Sorry. I've been dull and stupid |
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Blknblu, CANDC, TunedOut
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Super Moderator
Community Support Team Community Liaison
Chat Leader Member Since May 2014
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#13
Hi Gasplessy. I am sorry for the loss of your dad.
It is not your fault - this article may be of interest. 5 Tips for Dealing with Guilt __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
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Gasplessy, TunedOut
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Gasplessy, TunedOut
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Member
Member Since Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 404
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#14
I don't like this and can see it is not ok to write here just to be negative... But i feel so dirty, guilty, almost cruel for the way I destroyed my family
My twenties are an eggshell... I don't know why I couldn't act normally, with balance... I was a destroying machine without fully realizing it I've been through so much non-sense University drop-out, changing jobs and losing them, long unemployment periods, never fully grounded, never relaxed and in control. Possible schizophrenia and internet addiction un the middle of my twenties / adult life I could have been ok, a part of me is normal, patient and I could surely be productive at work But I... I didn't know how to live(?) I think this is the point My family was humble and fragile... they were struggling to keep up, to be good... I can't believe I managed my (and their...) time so poorly. I was unaware, lost my mind "Face the present!" my not so normal sister screams to me. Yes, I see the point. i'm left with almost nothing. I used to think i would be dead by now It's complicated, my older sister had more mental problems than me and was absent all the time. I was a lot more caring with her and the family... and still not with myself (and them) I see I have a life, but it is so hard to wake up in this disaster... nothing more to laugh about it I've been frozen Last edited by Gasplessy; Jul 31, 2020 at 05:43 PM.. |
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TunedOut
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Grand Poohbah
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#15
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Are you on any medications for your depression? Or is part of the problem that you can't afford to get help? You do sound deeply depressed. Yes, the pandemic is limiting and many are suffering. Are you able to go for walks, cook meals, etc. Do you try to help around the house? Could you do the shopping (perhaps your mom could pay but you go or you could go together) just to get out of the house? Sorry things have been so sad for you Gasplessly. |
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Gasplessy
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