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#1
When I was 16 years old, my aunt got breast cancer. The chemotherapy was too painful that she decided to stop it. She moved into a hospice and died there.
She had no kid so she took me and my brother as her own children. I was closer to her than my own mom. She was a positive person, always made us laugh and dragged us to do fun stuff with her. She was the presentation of joy to me. She was the strength of my life and she helped me go through my grandfather's death. When she was dying, I got so scared and panicked. She was the one who used to help me go through all the difficulties in life, but now she's dying, I had no idea who I should turn to and I was so lonely and scared. I went to see her in the hospice once with my family. She was so pale, skinny, and weak. Even she was smiling all the time, I could see her exhaustion and sadness in her eyes. I got so scared of seeing her like this. So I never went to visit her again, I indulged myself with school works and kept lying to myself that she'd get better and eventually life would go back to normal. We would go picnic again just like how we used to. Eventually, she died and I got the phone call when I was hanging out with my friends... I can't forgive myself that I never visited her again. And my school was so close to her hospice... I was just so terrified to see her became so weak and pale. Twelves years have passed now, I can't stop thinking how disappointed she must be when she's lying in the hospice and her beloved niece never came to visit her and be with her... Am I a terrible person? Am I the only one who's so coward that I couldn't face the fact my aunt was dying and help her go through the final days of her life? There was a certain point I think I unconsciously truly convinced myself that one day I woke up and she'd be all healthy like she used to be... Twelve years have passed, tears drop every time I think about her. I really wish I was older when she was dying. When I was more mature and know better about death. |
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CANDC, Fuzzybear, Gasplessy, unaluna
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CANDC, Skeezyks
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#2
Hello popyang: Thank you for sharing your concern here on PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central.
I'm sorry you are still struggling with the loss of your precious aunt. I have to say your story reminded me of the death of my maternal grandmother & how I handled that. (As I recall I was around 18 at the time.) You were 16 when your aunt died. You handled your aunt's passing in the best way you knew how... & without a lot of support it sounds like. I think it's not at all unusual to have regrets at how we handled things in the past. (Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.) Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some support as well as comfort as you continue to work toward putting your grief to rest. Here's a link to a listing of articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of grief & loss plus links to 2 articles on the subject of complicated grief. Also included is a link to the grief & loss quiz here on PC: Coping with Grief | Psych Central What is Complicated Grief? Complicated Grief: How to Get Unstuck Grief and Loss Quiz Plus I thought I would also share with you my own personal favorite among the grief & loss articles in PC's archives. (Please be sure to read through to the end. That's where the gold is): What My Dog Taught Me about Grief and Loss I hope you find PC to be of benefit. __________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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Fuzzybear
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#3
Hi popyang. Sorry for the loss of your aunt. It must have been pretty scary for a 16 year old to confront death. This is especially true in a society that does not talk openly of death.
I look back on some of my favorite relatives who died when I was getting out of high school and I just never spent enough time with them. If I knew now back then I would have spent more time with them. The problem I have is most of the things I learned in life were making tough decisions and suffering the guilty conscience thinking I had made a wrong decision. When I look with an eye of compassion then I realize I did the best I could. It wasn't perfect but it was all I could handle in the place I was in. Hope you find a way like a therapist to help you sort things out. This video is a nice reminder to me to be nice to myself. Self Compassion @CANDC __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
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Fuzzybear
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#4
Welcome to pc. I am sorry you've experienced this. 16 is very young to have to confront loss in this way
The video linked above is a good reminder to be kind to self. Also Skeezyks links to complicated grief. (I have also experienced complicated grief This is hard, particularly in a society which does not openly talk of.. much of anything of substance, it feels at times I also hope you find a way like a therapist to help you sort things out. Here at pc can also be a good place to help to sort things through, to vent, or talk etc. __________________ |
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CANDC
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#5
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