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cherrywine
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 12:28 AM
  #1
I wanted to join this site to see if I could talk to anyone who can help me with the pain. I'm drowning in grief right now—remnants from my mom's death a few years ago, but also from my ex's death a month ago.

He was the love of my life. I've been battling with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) since high school, and I met him in college. Since then, he was the reason I've been striving to get better and be better. After losing my mom, I had a hard time opening up to people, and lost my will to live entirely—but when I met him, I could finally see myself growing old with someone. I could finally see a future.

After 4 years of being together, I was diagnosed with cancer, and I broke up with him. He was at the peak of his career; I didn't want to be a burden, and I didn't want him to see me like that. He didn't want to break up, but I turned my back on him. It's a selfish reason, I know, but at the time, I thought it was for the best. I thought we still had all the time in the world.

I never stopped loving him. I focused on treatments, surgeries, and getting better, so that I could finally get back with him. He was, again, the purpose behind my meaning, and everything I did, I had him in mind.

After 2 years of us not together, my doctor told me things had gotten worse.

I decided I couldn't fight it anymore. I HAD to tell him I still loved him. I realized that whatever time I had left in this world—3 months, 1 year, 10 years—I wanted to spend with him. I had no idea what he felt anymore, if he was even single, or if he wanted to see me. But whatever his answer was, I needed to tell him. So I made up my mind, picked a day to go over to his house to confess, planned my speech and all.

He died a week before I could tell him.

I'm so angry, and confused, and devastated, and scared. I don't know what to do. I'm scared of what I might do. I feel as if my lungs have been taken away from me. Some days I can function, numb; some days I feel like I'm gasping for air on the ocean floor.

The worst thing is, I know no one who feels like I do for him. I was his first and only girlfriend; he never got into a relationship after ours ended. I don't know what to do with all the memories I have of him, and with him, in my head. I feel like I'm drowning alone in my pain.

That was quite an introduction, sorry. But I had to get it out. Really hoping I could talk to someone.
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 11:05 AM
  #2
Hi, cherrywine, and welcome to Psych Central! I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure we ever get to say all what we want to say to a person before they pass. But I suspect he knew how you felt.

We are here for you as you deal with your loss. Know that we care and am glad you're here.
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Smile Sep 22, 2020 at 12:22 PM
  #3
Welcome to Psych Central, cherrywine. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the Coping with Emotions forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/coping-with-emotions/

And then here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of at least some small help:

Coping with Grief | Psych Central

What is Complicated Grief?

Complicated Grief: How to Get Unstuck

Eight Step Method for Managing Intense Emotion

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...inful-emotion/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...tional-wounds/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 12:13 AM
  #4
I am so sorry for your losses. it is just tragic how things turned out for your boyfriend. I don't know what I can say to ease your pain. I am sure he understood why you broke up with him. life can be so hard. again, my deepest condolences . I hope you will get better from your cancer. pls take good care of yourself.
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Default Sep 26, 2020 at 08:52 AM
  #5
Welcome to psych central and i am really sorry for your loss. I think you are really brave and a true lover. You said he was the only reason of your life but still you broke up with him because you didn't wanted to burden him. Let's think it was meant to be. I know it's easy for me too say but it's the least I can do for you. I really wish you a healthy and a beautiful life.

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If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings , then you are a badass with a heart of an angel. ---Keanu Reeves
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Default Oct 23, 2020 at 10:24 AM
  #6
Hello Cherrywine,

I can understand trying to spare a loved one from pain. I am going through pain right now, because my husband can barely walk, and he is not as aware of his environment as he used to be. I'm sorry to hear you didn't have a chance to tell him you love him. I pray for healing as you battle cancer and MDD. Hugs to you!
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