Sudden death of my very troubled sibling.

My brother was found dead by the police yesterday. They said drug paraphernalia was near him, so they said it's possible he died of a drug overdose. I should hear something from the coroner's office today.

He was in the hospital a few months ago. When I went to visit him, he told me to leave and not come back. He wanted no contact with his family. (The hospital had called and asked me to come sign consents for treatment because he was not mentally alert.) I wanted to help him in any way I could. He was never married and really had no one. My other siblings and I had not heard from him in years. He was an alcoholic who was often homeless or in jail.

I almost can't believe that he's really gone . . . and gone for good. I'm by myself. I live far from the rest of my family. My longtime love and companion passed away four years ago. I'm still adjusting to that loss.

For years I've been worrying about my brother. Now there will never be another chance to reconcile with him. There's nothing I'll ever be able to do for him now. I wish he hadn't been so alone. He didn't believe anyone really cared about him. That was not true.

I don't know what's going to happen next. I don't know if my sisters will want for us to jointly plan a funeral. Or they might prefer that I just handle it all right here and bury him near where I live. I don't know if they will want to contribute to final expenses. They were even more alienated from him than I was. They might resent incurring any expense on his behalf. I don't want this turn of events to cause further strife amongst us.

I'm tired and better get to sleep.

((((Rose76))))

I'm so sorry for your loss.

A website I've found helpful is MyGrief.ca.

My heart goes out to you.

I’m sorry.

Sorry for your loss @Rose76. ((hugs))

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I’m sorry Rose I remember you writing here about your brother not very long ago, this must be a terrible shock.

I'm sorry for your loss

((((Rose))))....

((((((((( Rose )))))))))
I'm so sorry for your loss

Thank you all very much. I'm more okay now than I was early this morning. I keep reminding myself that he suffered a lot from mental health issues and substance abuse issues, but I believe he is at peace now.

Sorry for your loss. It’s sad. But you are right, he suffered so much.

I came up with a plan for final arrangements that I thought my sisters would be okay with. It's a good plan, and they do seem to like my suggestions.

When I was thinking up how to arrange things, I was so focused and in a positive frame of mind. Now that I've got the practicalities figured out and a plan laid out, I've gone from feeling better to feeling like the floor collapsed underneath me. Now I'm thinking of the past and all the years we shared growing up together. It's like looking through a transparent iron curtain. I can see the past. I am standing here, right at the threshold to the past, but I can't step over it. The barrier is like iron. There is no going back. I can see my brother back there, but I cannot go to him. I see him in our old neighborhood. I want to call him, but he won't be able to hear me.

I've learned today that he had an awful bad time in recent weeks. He was using meth and hallucinating. He called police, saying people were trying to kill him. Police responded and found no one threatening him. People who knew him called police yesterday to check on him. The police entered his motel room and found him in a terrible mess on the floor, already lifeless.

I didn't know where he was staying. All this time, he was in a motel room not even a mile from where I live. He knew where I lived. He could have walked over to me, or took a 3 minute bus ride to my place. He was very scared and suffering terribly, and he knew perfectly well that I would have done anything for him. I put up a thread about him in December, when the local hospital called to tell me he was in ICU. I went to the hospital to see him. I brought him warm, clean clothes and an envelope with my current phone number and some money in it. He only wanted me to go away. So I had to leave.

I'm calming down now. Thanks for listening. My sobbing just stopped. I'll be alright. I have no one here to talk to. My sisters texted me today, but no phone calls. One is genuinely sick. The other just isn't too interested. In Dec., she never called to ask about him.

Our parents are both gone. All our aunts and uncles have passed away. The relatives who knew him growing up - and would care - are all deceased themselves. So are the cousins that we grew up with. There's no one for me to call and talk about him with.

I'll fly back when I take care of what has to be done here for him. We'll have a simple service for him. There's hardly anyone to invite. I guess I'll go over to the motel now . . . and see if he left behind any belongings. I wish my boyfriend were still here with me, but I've adjusted to his passing away. That was 4 years ago. I like where I live. Sometimes it's hard to be here alone. Everything in life has its cost.