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xMandyRose
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Default Sep 13, 2019 at 01:26 AM
  #1
Hey there. I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but I am at a loss as to where I can find help for my particular situation.

In a nutshell; I am a 24 year old College student who is currently "parenting" my mother. Since my parents' divorce 8 or 9 years ago she has been dependent on my Aunt and I. 2 years ago my Aunt moved across the country and my mother is now 100% dependent on me, save for some walking, using the restroom and other daily things. She never leaves the house. I pay for everything, I pay rent, gather the groceries, clean house, etc. I also support her emotionally. She is just a little overweight with anemia and arthritis (which she gets treatments for) with major depression and extreme abandonment issues. I have been diagnosed GAD and am feeling overwhelmed all the time.

The issue is I see a therapist quite often and have for 4 years, while my mom will *not* entertain the idea of getting help with her mental health. She does not see taking care of herself in her future. She sees herself doing what she does now for the rest of my life. (No joking or exagerrating) Sitting at home, my home, no job, until one of us dies.

I am currently working out a plan with my therapist, thinking up different things I can do. My boyfriend and I are getting pretty serious and we want to live together eventually. And I may sound asshole for it but I will not start our life together with my mom in the next room, I know it wears on relationships. And I've seen enough miserable relationships, thanks.

I try to look online to see solutions people have found in their experience but I can't seem to find anything. I find plenty of articles on "parentification" but each person the article is written about didn't seem to have a problem leaving home. I can't. I have to kick someone out. I'm just not seeing much hope and it's depressing the f*** out of me not being able to see myself with my own life, ever.

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Smile Sep 14, 2019 at 01:03 PM
  #2
I don't have any solutions to offer you. But I noticed no one had replied to your post so I thought I would. From my perspective you absolutely deserve to have a life of your own. I realize what a difficult situation this is. You mentioned renting. So perhaps, if you can, at some point you'll simply have to move out & leave your mother to her own devices so to speak. Perhaps try to involve any governmental human services agencies that may provide services your mother qualifies for.

I see you're a 3 year member here on PC. So you may already be familiar with what's in the archives. But, just in case not, here's a link to one of the blogs. Perhaps there will be some articles in it that will be of interest:

Knotted: The Mother-Daughter Relationship

My best wishes to you...

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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Default Sep 14, 2019 at 02:16 PM
  #3
I feel for you, Mandyrose. I hope you and your boyfriend can come up with something. At least there are the 2 of you to support each other in taking action, plus your therapist.

When my mother was still alive my husband and I paid a whole lot of money to make sure she was living elsewhere and not with us. It was worth every penny.

Hugs to you....
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Default Sep 14, 2019 at 05:55 PM
  #4
I recently moved out of my mother's house. She depended on me wrongly financially and complains frequently about how hard things are for her since I moved out. My mom is able bodied and mind, but emotional and gets angry easily. Anyway my brother has said he thinks she too has mental health problems but has lived with it so long he thinks she's fine. I see her often and spend nights infrequently. Your case is very different. You need to get a social worker involved in her care. They can get the proper set up for her, housing, independent living, etc. You will still need to check in on her as a daughter, but you by no means need to give up your life to be her caretaker. That's not anything you need to do. Call the county, get her involved with them. Move out. Get your own life going, it's time for you now.

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Default Sep 14, 2019 at 05:58 PM
  #5
This sounds like a very tough situation. I think getting social services involved is a good idea. You can't force your mother to get help, but maybe you could see what kind of help is available.
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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 11:17 AM
  #6
This is just a form of control. Why should you have to be a mother to your own mother? My mom used to do this but she was a narcissistic sociopath. Haven't talked to her in over 7 years and she seems to be doing just fine without me as her emotional crutch.. Be strong, don't let someone else drain your joy and hope for the future.
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