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Evening
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Trig Jul 13, 2019 at 06:02 AM
  #1
Hi,

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been here, I’m not sure how I feel being back as I haven’t felt the want for forums in quite a while. But I am feeling very much like I have nowhere to go right now.

In October 2017 I was diagnosed with bowel cancer at 29, I went through 8 months of a nightmare I didn’t ever want to return-live. But unfortunately 2 weeks ago I had to have a total hysterectomy as my cancer had returned in my reproductive system, and grew back bigger and faster than last time.
I am so exhausted I can barely function anymore. I have no happiness left in me, and I’m constantly bitter and depressed, and I am finding that I have barely got any support around me. It is as though everyone is too busy with their lives to care about the fact I can’t live mine. Almost as though people have to schedule in a time to give a ****.

When I got the call the other day that it was definitely cancer and I’m now going to have to consider treatment again, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to go through that again. Anyone who has had to go through that will understand why. I told a friend shortly after the phone call that I now have to decide if I want to go through treatment again. She basically told me it could be considered selfish if I didn’t as everyone around me will have to watch me die while I do nothing about it. Her friend recently died of cancer, and she was bringing up that her friend ‘wanted to live’ and ‘fought really hard’ and at least I ‘got one year of remission’. This has all really cut me deeply, as I supported her through the death of her friend while dealing with my own situation, and to basically be told that I’m a selfish person and imply that I have had it easy when I’ve been dealing with an enormous amount of trauma was worse than actually hearing I have cancer again. And yes I know it was said out of emotion, but it was such a horrible thing to say that we now haven’t spoken in 3 days.
In fact I’ve really barely heard from anyone. I’ve only had 2 friends come see me. Some people barely even message to see how I am. Because they’re all ‘too busy’. And I’m the selfish one? I’m tired of people’s excuses about how hard it is for them to deal with. How about how it’s making ME feel.

I’m watching everyone around me get great jobs and get engaged and travel, you know what I’m doing? Sitting at home with no income dying of cancer and wondering where my friends are. This is the exact reason I’m not sure if I want to go through treatment again, because I don’t know how much more feeling forgotten I can take. I’m so exhausted I can barely function. I don’t want to spend another 6 months being poisoned just to slightly increase my chances. It didn’t work last time. I would be at a great point in my life and succeeding so much, I’d literally be at the BEST point of my life, after spending 31 years working hard after being abused and living in poverty, and it’s all blowing up in my face while everyone else can have success.
I don’t feel much point in even being alive any more if it’s just going to keep being like this, I just don’t want to be dead.
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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 08:29 AM
  #2
Sorry you have to go through this, has your doctor mentioned possible cancer support groups for you. That may help since they will understand and others will not. Take good care of yourself and hope you feel better soon.
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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 08:34 AM
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I am very very sorry to hear it. My mother had cancer and what was done to her was insane. Any possibility you can talk to your doctor about how you feel and see if they have any solutions or go to a doctor who is more advanced in this cancer?

There are no good choices so vent away and ignore my questions if they are stupid.
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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 08:46 AM
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I am sorry you are going through this.

know that we are here for you at anytime

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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 11:06 AM
  #5
I can't even imagine what you are going through. Really all I can say is I am truly sorry because even though I have experienced a different sort of hell, I have never experienced anything like this so I am not going to spout out a bunch of words that I really don't know what I am talking about. So I will give you this though, I will keep you in my thoughts and offer huge hugs to you.
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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 06:50 AM
  #6
Thankyou everyone. I have just been feeling very bitter and angry. Part of it is the surgical menopause, but it’s also the anger of people turning their back on me. This would be so much easier if I didn’t feel so alone in it.
The problem with support groups is that there isn’t as much for people in my situation and age group. When I had cancer last time everyone at the clinic was decades older than me. And there is so much attention for breast cancer in people my age. I remember when I was at the clinic for a round of treatment there was a man sitting next to my grandfather who started talking to him, and when this man got called in he turned to my grandfather and told him good luck with his treatment. But it was my treatment.
And I have been between 2 hospitals, so I have a lot of people around me to make decisions, I just wish there was something to solve my situation. They may offer immunotherapy which is the newest form of treatment, but it only works with some types of cancer. With the luck I’ve had it would be no surprise if it wasn’t going to work for me.

I’m just so tired, I don’t want to keep doing this. I want to get back to living my life.
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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 08:52 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Evening View Post
Thankyou everyone. I have just been feeling very bitter and angry. Part of it is the surgical menopause, but it’s also the anger of people turning their back on me. This would be so much easier if I didn’t feel so alone in it.
The problem with support groups is that there isn’t as much for people in my situation and age group. When I had cancer last time everyone at the clinic was decades older than me. And there is so much attention for breast cancer in people my age. I remember when I was at the clinic for a round of treatment there was a man sitting next to my grandfather who started talking to him, and when this man got called in he turned to my grandfather and told him good luck with his treatment. But it was my treatment.
And I have been between 2 hospitals, so I have a lot of people around me to make decisions, I just wish there was something to solve my situation. They may offer immunotherapy which is the newest form of treatment, but it only works with some types of cancer. With the luck I’ve had it would be no surprise if it wasn’t going to work for me.

I’m just so tired, I don’t want to keep doing this. I want to get back to living my life.
Sorry to hear there are not people your age with a similar type of diagnosis. When you mentioned you haven’t heard from others it may be they may not know what to say or may not feel comfortable. True friends should be reliable and there for someone in my opinion. Hope things get better soon and the treatment works well.
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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 02:49 PM
  #8
Having been through this before, it is definitely a situation when you learn who will be by your side and who won’t be. But the people I’m not hearing from this time are people who were there for me more last time. And I’ve actually had a few of those people say they are ‘too busy’. But to me it’s a poor excuse, a text takes 30 seconds. And I wake up every day and check my phone in the hopes that someone will have thought of me, and every time I end up disappointed. I’m there for my friends more than they are there for me.
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Default Jul 23, 2019 at 08:41 AM
  #9
I just saw my oncologist today, thinking I was going to discuss treatment options, and got hit with some news I wasn’t expecting to hear. Nobody told me that I still had cancer, I thought it was all removed in my hysterectomy but apparently there was cancer on my bowel that they left. NOBODY told me this. I’ve been walking around for 3 weeks not knowing I still had cancer. And he told me that they don’t know if they will be performing surgery to get rid of it, or when I’d even be getting treatment. And apparently my chances are so slim that their aim is to prolong my life rather than save it. I was expecting none of this and I cried so much I was literally seeing stars and nearly passed out while sitting with the nurses.
I don’t even know what to do right now, having to tell my mother and grandparents they think I’m most likely going to die was such a hard thing to do. I would give anything to be okay. I was literally signing paperwork for immunotherapy 20 minutes before my surgery, and now I’m being told that isn’t even on the table and my oncologist is confused why they suggested that.
I’m only 31, I’ve never had a relationship, never learned how to drive a car, I’ve never got to achieve what I was striving for. And now I’ll likely never get to do any of it.
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Default Jul 28, 2019 at 09:15 PM
  #10
I am so sorry.
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