How Do You Convince Yourself To Eat?

I have really bad anxiety and OCPD, with the attendant depression that goes along with it. This has led me to simply not give a **** about my health. I haven't been to see a doctor in a year, and I was supposed to have follow up. Yeah, right. He tried prescribing some pills for me, and when the insurance company wanted to play games, I told them in no uncertain terms to **** off (because I get very nasty when I get pissed off, and I hate being that way because I will then feel horrible and guilty--even when I am clearly in the right--for hours afterwards).

I don't trust doctors, especially head ones. But this ulcer is killing me. Probably have heart problems, too, because I swear, I feel this weird spasming in my chest sometimes. So sick of waking up and feeling this ball of hot lead just below my lungs, every single day. My entire stomach area is warm to the touch, too. lmao

Oh, and I'm only 33 + 7 (because I don't celebrate birthdays anymore--why the hell would I want to celebrate being one day closer to death?) and 6'3, 215 pounds or so. Not like I can't afford to lose the weight around my mid section. I used to smoke pot, but I quit recently. Got bored with it. Did LSD a few times, and once mixed it with DMT (because I'm doing a little psychic surgery on myself) and that made my anxiety spike, but it's since returned to its baseline of being about midway up on the chart in a flat line.

The reason why I don't seek medical help more often is because why bother? So they can give me a prescription I can't fill for pills I'll forget to take? Pfff. I'd rather spend my money on my car.

So how do you make yourself eat when you have zero interest in doing so? I have cavities, I know, and my oral hygiene isn't the greatest (though I brush regularly), but I'm pretty sure gingivitis or whatever isn't helping. I just have no desire to eat when I have this burning sensation in my stomach, and food will sometimes trigger nausea.

I am with you on birthdays. I am younger than you but still, I don't see the apeal of them- same reason as you, why celebrate 1 year closer to death?

I also should really see a dentist (probably). it's been a while since i've seen one. I just don't like them though- when I was a kid I had some pretty bad experiences.

as for convincing yourself to eat, for me, the motivation comes from knowing what will happen if I don't.



so now I sort of know I have to eat because I really don't want to go through that again. it was scary what my body was doing to itself

I'm not sure fear is enough motivation for me. Food tastes meh. And "hunger" is usually experienced not as hunger, but as a burning sensation, which in turn makes me feel less like eating. The very act of eating seems like an inconvenience. Feels rather like I'm fighting to maintain a farce I don't want to be a part of. Food is an afterthought to the idea of eating, with the result that I just buy whatever in the moment to consume, which usually is not all that healthy of a choice because it's usually fast food of some kind, and only then, something that won't be "fussy" or take long to eat. I work through lunch at work because what else am I going to do? Stare at a phone to wait for messages/notifications from the friends I don't have? I'd rather just eat tums like candy and power through.

Best of all, it's all anxiety-driven, and I have no inclination to go have some new graduate go playing in my head with hands even less experienced than my own. I don't care that they have a diploma in "life coach work." Lmao Head shrinkers are the reason I have zero trust in any of them because they're more manipulative than the people they're supposed to help.

I have nothing to distract the mind outside of work. Video games are boring me, and even working on my car has become something I have to push myself to do. Plus, I know what the effects are of a lack of food on cognition, so I'm probably not doing myself any favors.

I just...can't find a reason to act in a self-preservatory way. I have no reason for being, no purpose in life beyond simple self-preservation, but I keep coming back to the question of, what am I living for? Every time I find something to hold my interest, that lasts a month or so, and then I'm disappointed again because I'm back to just floating along. Myself as the purpose is not an answer I can accept. That's about the worst answer I can find because it smacks of conceit and arrogance. I dunno...that's just how I feel about it. I don't want to be labeled as someone who only thinks of themself, only, taken to the extreme so that I don't even care to think about myself at all. That's probably why at work it feels like lunch is just a waste of time.

Is that the only answer? Eat because otherwise there's pain? Seems a really ****** choice to be stuck with.

I think focusing on what you need to do on your own can get kind of tricky. I personally would say that meeting with a dietitian who can help you and put less stress on you would be awesome.

Yeah, that involves doctors, and I could give a fk about doctors or preventative medicine because why would I seek to preserve that which I despise? This is why I will now go to the dentist to have teeth removed rather than fk around with cavities and fillings because the less teeth I have, the less I have to be bothered with it. I don't care about disfigurement; I will always be alone so my appearance is the least of my concerns.

I have achieved maximum cynicism.

Having someone that professionally does it for a living day in and day out might be extremely beneficial. You can just follow and not wonder if you're doing it right.

My personal life is so disorganized. I live by the moment. I have no budget, but this is because I spend money wisely and most of it gets saved. So unemployment just collects in my savings for...whatever. My Saab. My little dog. Frivolities on occasion to while the time away as I wait for the clock to wind down and watch life just pass me by. I have no schedules, no routines, no social life beyond the internet whatsoever unless one of my so-called "friends" irl needs legal work done dirty (because I'm not licensed to practice law; I just have an extremely intimate knowledge of it having sat in prison for 13 years and having spent a great deal of time in the law libraries therein). The only reason I go along with it half the time is because I'll go sit anonymously in the peanut gallery in court and watch the fireworks unfold from my form of scorched-earth legal tactics and language for the cheap thrills and temporary relief from the constant ennui it provides. I float through life because there is literally nothing to hold me down, and I hate it. I don't have a doctor, physical, psychiatric, or psychological, and my medical records are in the wind. I have no will, no life insurance, no health insurance beyond some B.S. I'm somehow still paying $16 a month for that's a holdover from Obamacare and covers exactly nothing. I have no career, no formal training (yet can speak fluent Spanish), no degrees, technical diplomas, no commendations, volunteering awards, no contacts to network with, no people beyond those I've known in the joint whom are out and call on me for favors. The only thing I have is a book I self-published on Amazon for the sake of my own vanity that no one is buying. lmao My car has more personality than I do, and will probably turn into Christine when I die.

I feel so much of a deeper understanding of what King Solomon had meant by, "There is nothing new under the sun." I have lived for self so long that I have burned through all possible human reasons for perpetuating existence and ran out of reasons to keep going, and instead have come to reject myself as something no longer worthy of consideration anymore. Haha, pretty sure there's some form of disassociation there as I really feel kind of trapped with having to deal with a life that I don't feel is mine, if that makes sense. Like, there is a part of me that was the instigator of a lot of shameful acts in the past in the pursuit of selfish hedonism, and I no longer wish to be tied to that person anymore, and that side of me is starting to coalesce into something more...apart. It feels less like me in that part of myself, which I fear will eventually cause a schism in my psyche, if it hasn't already. This is why I am so...meh...about caring for myself, I think. Why bother? Why preserve that which I loathe? Kill it one way or another.

Some forms of suicide take longer than others, I guess. I can feel that semi-comatose quietude calling again, sometimes. I fell into such a deep depression in prison once that for six and a half weeks, I blanked and lost 22 pounds. It's a complete blur. I sat on my bunk, stared at the wall, and didn't speak or move. Count times, I'd go stand. Meals, when I'd go, I'd just throw away or half the time leave it at the table and just stand up and leave. I don't even remember thinking that much, just being in a lot of pain. I didn't care about anything anymore at that point, and it wasn't until some people actually started forcing me to eat that I broke it, but I can still remember the first week or two afterwards wanting to go back into that twilight state. I don't know how else to describe it. But I can feel that same feeling again of wanting to just stop.

I'm pretty sure it's because I can find no reason for being, and the answer of, "for myself" no longer satisfies. It's not enough. And that cognizance of lack is always there, drying up hunger and thirst because I am constantly in seek mode for something that doesn't exist. That is the truth I cannot accept, and makes me want to push away from myself in revulsion. Even now, my stomach roils at discussing this. I do not trust therapists, and I hang out on these forums by the grace of John and the other admins because I have no other MH support, so MH therapy is not an option, either.

I'm not even sure I want to convince myself to eat, but know that I have to on a logical level despite my emotional resistance to doing so.

Thank you for sharing all your rawness. I too struggle with eating all the time anymore. Nothing appeals to me and i'm pretty convinced my taste buds have depression too lol. It takes A LOT of effort to eat. And well, let's not even discuss going to and dealing with the grocery store...UGH. Thank God for online grocery shopping and delivery!
That said, I will say YOU DO have a talent with words. Your descriptions and illustrations are great Your ability to write and express is quite good. Think you mentioned you wrote and published a book already...why not try to spark your passion into writing again?? I am a newbee on the forum but certainly not new to depression. I know motivation to do the slightest of things is so incredibly hard. I just hope it helps you to know that you are certainly not alone.