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collegegirl2012
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Confused May 20, 2013 at 12:45 PM
  #1
The other night, my daughter started saying something about a secret about her and her cousin, but that she couldn't tell me. I finally convinced her to tell me. She told me that her cousin and her lay down and put where they pee pee together. I didn't freak out, but I took her into her room, away from her father, and asked her a couple of questions about it, like where did they get that idea (her cousin), and where did he get that idea (from him). I told her it wasn't ok, and that if it ever happened again, that I needed her to go find her grandmother or me. She is 5, and her cousin is about to turn 9. Her cousin was bounced around a lot when he was young, and his mother had him in situations that were enough for my in-laws to take him away from her. While I know that kids are curious, lord knows I was when I was her age, his mother just had a baby girl, and I am unsure if I should say something to his mother. She doesn't exactly like me, and even my husband was quick to not believe my daughter. I feel like I should say something, but probably not to my sister in-law, because I think she will only make matters worse. My stomach has been in knots over the decision, and I am stuck in limbo.
Any advice is appreciated.
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Default May 20, 2013 at 01:06 PM
  #2
You did right to tell your little girl to Tell. It is not a secret to be kept when someone wants to touch her inside her underpants. Period.
Let Gramma know, let anyone know who watches her, that it happened. NO SECRETS. No overreacting, no making the kids feel weird. Just watchful adults, being mindful that she is FIVE & needs to be watched. The boy should know too, that people are aware, that's all.
Yes it is normal to explore at that age, but her body is private & should be kept that way.
The red flag is that he told her to keep it a secret.

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Default May 22, 2013 at 04:03 PM
  #3
At age nine he should know that it not an appropriate thing to do. Definitely talk to the grandmother. You reacted in the best way possible. I'm not sure i could have been as calm as you in that situation.

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Trig May 23, 2013 at 07:12 PM
  #4
You need to report this to the parents and to the police. The age difference here definitely means this isn't two kids "playing doctor." Your daughter should not be allowed around her cousin without direct visual supervision at all times by an adult. His parents need to know and you should consider reporting this to the police. This behavior makes him a danger to others and it is likely that he was abused. Please take steps to protect your daughter and other children he has contact with.
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Default May 23, 2013 at 08:24 PM
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Originally Posted by googley View Post
You need to report this to the parents and to the police. The age difference here definitely means this isn't two kids "playing doctor." Your daughter should not be allowed around her cousin without direct visual supervision at all times by an adult. His parents need to know and you should consider reporting this to the police. This behavior makes him a danger to others and it is likely that he was abused. Please take steps to protect your daughter and other children he has contact with.

THE POLICE? - Are you serious.
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Default May 24, 2013 at 11:30 PM
  #6
At 9 years old, the cousin should know better. The parents definitely need to know, and you need to keep your daughter away from him.
Sounds like the cousin needs some help. (FYI - I have a 10 and 7 year old, they know that those areas are private and should never be shown or exposed to other kids, or adults. Except in the case of doctors if they need a checkup)
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Default May 25, 2013 at 09:55 AM
  #7
You could also confront the boy privately, along with your daughter. He'll most likely deny it, but it will give him a fair warning not to mess with your daughter. If it happens again, if she's harmed in any way, you'll have to bring it up with his parents and get the police involved.
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Default May 25, 2013 at 05:04 PM
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THE POLICE? - Are you serious.
Yes I'm serious. His behavior is predatory. These were not two children of the same age. This was a much older kid and a much younger kid.
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Default May 25, 2013 at 10:15 PM
  #9
It sounds like you need to be upfront with his mother and the grandmother. Let her know what happened, but also let her know that you are worried not only on your daughter's behalf but his, because he must have learned it from someone...meaning, maybe HE'S being messed with by someone else when his mother isn't looking. That's how these things usually begin. Children at the age of 9 know better, and for him to tell your daughter it was a "secret" only means that he knew he was doing something wrong.
Drill it into your daughter's head that what he did was wrong, so she knows the next time (whether it's with him or anyone else) that she needs to run and tell. Do what you have to do to protect her, because you don't want her all screwed up in the head years later because nothing was done to prevent it.

Even though what he did was (literally) "child's play," if there is a bigger predator in the family and he's not saying who it is and you inadvertently left your daughter with the person responsible for his deviant behavior, it could end on a much more tragic note.

I only say this because I've been there and it sucks. Best of luck and be strong for you and your daughter...they're only this little once.

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Default May 31, 2013 at 09:05 AM
  #10
the police aren't going to be able do anything unless you have hard evidence, but you can call someone from the Department of Human Services or something of that nature and they can get you a counselor to help out with this. they will gather the evidence you'd need if you discover you have a predator in your midst.

the boy is NINE. he has seen some troubling stuff, but if it is nipped in the bud right away and he is given the proper amount of positive attention, there shouldn't be any more reason to worry about him. however, i think it should be addressed that this issue has come up. there is a reason he's like this, and it's probably because of another family member. i think you should get everyone together and talk about it out in the open. there should never be secrets like this in a family. if you need to, you can call your equivalent to the Department of Child Services and have them send someone out to mediate everything. but this HAS to be addressed.

i have a friend who was repeatedly molested and raped by a cousin who was MUCH older than nine when it first started (my friend was 5). his cousin forced him to watch some terrible stuff, too. unfortunately, his mom never suspected anything or never asked him about it, because it kept happening until he was old enough to realize it was wrong and could stop it himself. but in the meantime he got addicted to child pornography and is now facing a prison sentence for possession of cp.

my friend didn't come out about it until recently, and he is going on 27, so has been dealing with this for 22 years. you are lucky that your little girl has told you about this now. you have to stand up for both kids and get this resolved now before it turns into something much worse. you have to assume that if you don't, no one will.
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Heart Aug 30, 2013 at 02:22 PM
  #11
Thank you every one for your suggestions.
I had a short time to consider my actions before I was at my mother in law's house. Despite my husband saying not to say anything, I asked his mother if I could talk to her, and I explained the situation. She took it very seriously, and agreed that going to my sister in law would have caused major problems. We have been making sure that the two cousins are always chaperoned, they are no longer able to be in any room alone.
While I am very aware of the future issues that could arise, I feel that being a positive influence for both my daughter and my nephew supersedes the desire to scare my nephew away from my daughter. If I do so, I am afraid he will find some one else to explore with. I want him to know that I am just as much there for him to come to without judgement as I am for my daughter.
Again, I really appreciate every one who took the time to give me their opinion, it certainly helped to harmonize my mind and heart, and take action.
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Default Sep 02, 2013 at 01:12 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by googley View Post
Yes I'm serious. His behavior is predatory. These were not two children of the same age. This was a much older kid and a much younger kid.
he's 9. not 14. there is still innocence there. and by your argument if he had been 14 and she had been 14 it would not have been predatory even if she hadn't been ok with it. you should probably reflect a little more.
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