17 yr old daughter is changing for the worst

Hello new to this board and maybe someone could give me some advice on my teen daughter who is getting out of control. Just the other day I found out my daughter cut school with her boyfriend (he is gonna be 21 next month,which Ill get into the boyfriend issue in a minute) I had to borrow daughters cell phone for the day,as my cell phone was going to be shut off the payment was due ,(it was a matter of when I got paid ,i would pay bill following day ) well anyway daughter figured that she could get away with this cause I wouldnt receive the high school automated message to my phone saying she was absent that day,well to her surprise my phone was still on and i received the school absent message. I was furious! she finally told me a story as to why she didnt go to school ,which of coarse was a lie,I grounded her for this weekend . So I had her phone and the boyfriend texts her saying ,oh u ok? well I texted him back and told him I knew what they pulled off and that I was finished with him ,and since he takes her to and from school thats the only time hes gonna drive off my street with her ,weekend they are gonna sit at my house and thats it. he text back oh ok. she met him when she was 15 and he was 19,i was really upset,he is too old for her its been drama in the beginning with this guy,so things seemed to calm down , I had him over to my house told him how I felt about this dating and about his age,my theory is she is gonna go behind my back with him anyway so I figured I would kinda get to know him,which I tried to b fair with him,but deep down there was something about him I did not like at all ,I have had anonymous messages sent to my facebook account ,saying that they were friends with him and warned me to get daughter away from him. well tried to do that ,pushed them closer ,recently found out from my older daughter that this guy is insulting to her,is controlling and he is very charming in front of me,but i knew this anyway. I hate this guys guts and he lies alot for the sake of lieing
, ,now things between me and boyfriend were fine for awhile,were I trusted him to a point with daughter, now she cuts school and he is involved,it totally turned me off again with him,he will never be a good influence around my daughter,what and how do I handle this ,did I handle this the right way,as to him coming to my house to see her only,hopefully this will get rid of him soon,sorry this is so long.

Hello, Irish! Alas, teenagers tend to do the exact opposite of what we want, if we push too hard. I agree that the age difference is a concern, but once she reaches 18, then she will be considered an adult (at least in the U.S.) and will be able to do more what she wants. It's obvious they don't care what you think. They have been together a long time. And over time the age difference won't matter very much.

I would be angry, too, about her skipping school. And I would want to try to control the relationship. Keep in mind, though, that he is already an adult. I have to say I hardly expect him to just see her at your house. Such a plan might lead them to sneak out more during the day.

Is your daughter planning to go to college? Does she care whether she finishes school or not?

At this point, love might be making her blind to his faults. I don't know. I do know the harder you try to get her to end the relationship, the more likely she is to try to hang on to him. I'm wondering if it would help to show her the facebook messages. She will likely get mad, but maybe they would put a shadow of a doubt in her. Maybe say something like, "I know you care about ( ) and you have been together for a good while. You will ultimately make your own decision about the future, but I really think you need to look at these messages to see if they might have any truth to them. I love you and I don't want to hurt you. I just want you to make sure he will be a good choice for the long term......You will likely get mad about them, but, nonetheless, here they are...."

That's my opinion, anyway. What do other folks here have to say about it?

Oh my yes, show her the messages if you can. She'll be furious with YOU, but she'll probably buttonhole those people and demand an explanation, and then she'll get to hear that her boyfriend is trouble from someone who knows him and ISN'T HER MOM. Perhaps that will help. (My girl turns 19 in a week or so, and I still have to use her friends as sockpuppets since Lord knows she won't listen to her parents )

I'm sorry that she's making some poor choices, but take heart if you can from the idea that it sounds like she doesn't cut often or lie often (or you'd be more resigned to it by now), yes? And at 18 she'll have opportunities she didn't have before...we all dread that as parents, but we can seize it and use it to our advantage as well. College or community college or job in another town, places she can go to meet NEW people instead of him...it's a lot of work, I know, but there's an opportunity coming your way soon

My friend had a problem similar to this when we were in high school (just a couple of years ago!)

The more you push and invade, the more she'll push back. Charming devil boyfriends are the worst, but unfortunately, only your daughter can make that decision to cut him off. Just try to be supportive of the GOOD stuff for now (stay in school) and with the bad stuff, quiet disapproval and subtle statements can go a long way.

Good luck.

I don't think much changes with kids from 17 to 18, just b/c they are of age. Unless they are moving out of my home and taking responsibility for their adulthood. If they need my support, my home, and food, then them saying they are adults at 18 means nothing to me.