Afraid of my mother...

I don't know if this is the right section for explaining my problem. I'm tired of the way my mother treats me and it has affected who I am and how I react to certain situations. I'm writing this after having several flashbacks to my childhood and teenagehood.

Since I can remember, whenever I didn't behave the way she wanted, she would fake she was possessed by a devil. She scared me to death every time, even though I wasn't a difficult child. We had arguments over small issues such as going to bed earlier, watching TV, etc...

She didn't stop bathing me until I was 13.

She made me go to bed at 9 pm until I was 15.

She wouldn't let me share a flat with other students when I entered college at 17.

To date, she doesn't let me wear the clothes I buy. At 20, she called me names for wanting to wear a sleeveless T-shirt.

She stopped brushing my hair at 21.

On weekdays I've started living in an apartment close to the office where I work, but she does not allow me to wash my own clothes. She let me start cooking 4 months ago (actually, I've been cooking since I moved to the apartment, although she doesn't know about this). People tell me I have to insist to gain my freedom, but I haven't chosen to live in this town in the first place (she forced me to join this company).

In fact I've been planning to move abroad for a long time, but she screams and fakes suicide attemps every time I mention my plans. She's sabotaging my life under the pretext that she had me so that I would always be by her side. Both my mother and my grandparents on my mother's side treat me like a teen or even pre-teen. My father treats me like a grown-up but doesn't try to help me.

I can't stand it any more. My mother is very sweet when I'm obedient, but she won't let me be myself.

What can I do to make her behave like the mother of the adult I am?

You can't make her do anything.

You can take control of your life though.

Easier said than done, I know ... I didn't escape mine until I was 33.5 years of age!

But, escape I did ... And, my only regret is I didn't do it sooner.

Wishing you the strength and courage to do what you already know needs doing.

Manipulation on steroids.

Like pfrog said, you know what needs to be done but I can empathize with your reluctance.
Has your mother ever been diagnosed with anything psych related?

I was seriously ill after birth. Since then she has been obsessed with my safety and well-being. I know she has good intentions but she has to understand that (fortunately) her sick baby has grown into a healthy adult.

I don't dare go to the doctor when I'm sick, it would increase her feeling that I can't take care of myself.

I'm not a party person and she has always given me the freedom go to out, knowing that I never come back too late. However, I enjoy no freedom in other areas.

Yesterday, for example, I went on a trip with my colleagues from work. We went to the beach. I wasn't allowed to wear a swim suit. And even if I had been, I'm not sure I would have wanted to. My legs weren't properly shaved since I'm not allowed to do it myself. In fact, I wanted to get a laser hair removal treatment to avoid shaving my legs (it's so practical and many of my friends are doing it). But guess what, she won't let me do it.

Both my parents have jobs and I earn more than both of them together. I pay for my college tuition, apartment rental, etc. But apparently, money can't buy freedom since this is a game of psychological power

I'm hearing fear and very unhealthy attempts at control and coping.

I'm guessing your mother would not be open to therapy?

Let me ask this, what would happen if you asserted your independence?

This is going to sound harsh, but it is the only thing that is going to work. Your parents are fine with the status quo and so you are going to have to be the one who changes.

Do things for yourself and make decisions for yourself. The only person you can control is yourself. That means if you want change you are going to have to make it. You can't control your mother. If she reacts badly to your being independent then she will need to deal with her feelings. You can't let her behaviors dictate your life. She uses suicidal threats to control people. Have a conversation with your parents telling them that you are an adult and will be making all of your own decisions from here on out. They don't have to agree with them, but they need to respect them. If they can't do that, then they are not going to be able to be as big a part of your life. I understand that you have had this dynamic with your mother for a long time and it can be scary to change that even when you know it is what you need to do. But staying in this dynamic is unhealthy for you. Going to the doctor is a healthy thing. It means that you ARE taking care of yourself. There are things we need to go to the doctor for because that is the only way we can get our health checked out. IE gynecological exams.

Have you thought about therapy? If you are on your parent's insurance and you don't want it showing up, most universities have free therapy provided through health services for students. If your mother wants to wash your clothes, tell her no and don't let her have access to them. If you were bringing them to your parent's house to wash them, this may mean that you need to go to the laundry mat and pay for them. You are an adult and have to make the decision as to what kind of relationship you want to have with your mother. Your mother is emotionally blackmailing you. You need to set limits and boundaries with her and stick with them if you want anything to change. If you don't, then everything will stay the same. Don't let her dictate what you wear, what you do, and who you see when. You may not be thinking of this now, but what if you meet someone you want to marry and your mother doesn't like the person? What would you do then. It is a better time now to deal with this behavior of hers now than when it would impact your relationship with the person you want to marry. I can tell you from my point of view that if someone i wanted to marry had a relationship like you do with your mother, there is no way I would go through with the marriage as I wouldn't want my mother in law dictating what i can and can't do with my spouse and where we can and can't go.

If you don't like where you work, start searching for another job. It may mean taking a pay cut, but that might be worth it if you don't want to be working where you are working. You need to stand on your own two feet and stop letting her dictate your life.

My first suggestion for you thought it sounds like it would be hard because you don't like the town, is to not go home every weekend. Live in the apartment you are renting as it is your apartment and not like you are traveling for work. That will make it a lot easier to set limits in other areas with your parents. You pay for the rent for the apartment whether or not you are there on the weekends, so take advantage of the apartment. Find something you like about where you live until you can move elsewhere. Whether it is a community group or a religious organization or a volunteer activity. Make friends so you aren't dependent on your parents for social contact. If you are making more than they are (as you say in your post) you are not financially dependent on them. Use that as your leverage to start breaking the bonds she has you under. My guess, thought it may not be true, is that you dad doesn't stand up for you because he is afraid of your mom's reactions also.

You are a victim of abuse. Emotional abuse. It will be hard to make these changes. If you are not in therapy I strongly suggest that you start. It will be hard to change these patterns, but until you change they will keep going the way they are going. Your parents are fine with the way things are, that means you are the one who has to initiate the changes. Does that suck? Yes. Does it sucking change the fact that it is true and you are the one who is going to have to change to get them to change? No. Keep coming to PC for support.

I say this all as someone who grew up in an emotionally and verbally abusive household. Not as controlling of my day to day actions as yours, but my mom would threaten to kill herself when i was in high school if I didn't do what she wanted. I have had to go through what you are now going through. I had the benefit of moving 3000 miles away to college to help with setting the boundaries because then my parents could only reach me by phone and when my mom got out of control I would end the conversation and hang up. She changed because she wanted to be able to have phone conversations with me. She learned over time. There is an end to the tunnel. I am still working on recovering from the damage my mom caused when I was growing up, but I no longer let their opinion of my decisions dictate my life (or at least i try not to). It does mean that my parents know a lot less about my life than they otherwise would because they have lost the trust I could have had with them and they have lost the privilege of being an active part of my life. But i had to do it for my own sanity. Otherwise I was at the point where I literally have killed myself rather than return to their home after I graduated from college. You are strong, you can do this.

The first step is to expand your support network IRL. And start setting boundaries with your parents with the end goal of taking control of your life back from them.

My mother will sometimes threaten with going to a psychologist. She says I'm so selfish I've made her that way.

Well, I have a plan. When the current semester is over I'm going to try to join a university overseas, and I will get a new job. Regardless of the real salary, I will tell my parents I'm making lots of money, so that they aren't worried moneywise.

To me, my mother exhibits two different behaviours:

1) The other day, she drove 50 miles to bring me medicine because I had a cough. These acts of selflessness are so touching. But at the same time I think, what's the price to pay in the long term?

2) There was a point at which I was very depressed. I had been date raped but I didn't want to share it with her. I knew she would blame me for not being able to take care of myself. The pain of living in denial was not as big as the pain of losing my freedom forever. There were good and bad days (shortly after the rape I lost my job and that increased my depression). On a particular day I was feeling suicidal, but I couldn't disclose the cause of my distress. I told her in tears "mum I'm feeling suicidal, I can't find comfort in this world". I expected my mother to have words of encouragement for me, but instead she made a scene and even hit me She reacted as if I was trying to harm her with my depression... She said I'm useless and unable to cherish the person who gave everything to me (her).

So even though she's very caring in material aspects (food, medicine, etc), she gives no importance to the well-being of my soul...

Hope you were able to see how she turned your suicidal feelings into being about her. Sorry but what I hear is narcissism. I like the idea of getting into an overseas uni so long as you do your due diligence with regard to getting a job. Some countries will allow it, others won't.

yellowfrog268, you hit the nail on the head! I'm now reading about narcissistic mothers and that's exactly how my mother reacts...