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2691RVA
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Member Since: Sep 2012
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Default Aug 09, 2013 at 01:38 AM
  #1
My daughter is 16, will be a senior in high school this coming school year. She is a very sensitive person, very bright but has never been real comfortable in social situations. As a small child trying to enroll her in activities she would hide behind me and refuse to participate. I would even try to participate too but usually was met with refusal, almost like she was fearful.

Going into school she did make some childhood friends thru us moms getting the kids together. However, in as a kindergarten child she would tend to want to leave the friend (while the friend was visiting our home) and be by herself. There was more than one incident where the friend would come to me and tell me my daughter wanted to be alone. I would talk to her and try to help her to understand that when we invite guests to our house we spend time with them but that message never seemed to reach her. As a teen she had a few friends over to spend the night and the friend would come visit with us because daughter went to bed early rather than staying up with the friend or she would get on the computer and exclude the friend. When I asked "why" she always had a reason.

Going to outings, vacations, and restaurants has always been difficult. First, she doesn't want to go at all. As a small child if we had a dinner to attend and no sitter she would refuse to eat the dinner at the restaurant and then wait til we could stop by a drive thru on the way home. Or she would lay down and go to sleep at the restaurant and refuse to be a part of the social event even if other children were there.

At the age of 3, when we would talk to her she would not answer so we thought she was having possible hearing issues and had her tested but her hearing was fine and she was definitely talking by this age. Describing this to the doc I met with they suggested she see I child therapist. It was determined that our daughter was a sensitive personality type and we read all kinds of books on the subject.

In grade school she had trouble making friends, trouble fitting in, kids would pick on her which would make her mad and then it seemed she was always a target. She is pretty, she is thin and keeps herself up but she has lacked the proper skills to deal with the bullies of the world. At one point in jr high she became depressed and asked for help. She went 3 sessions with counselor and then told the counselor she was fine and counselor told me if she wanted to come back she could but that was it.

High school has been real rough. She has not connected to any female friends. Boy friends have come and gone and of course she is always upset. She stopped going out to dinner at all. She has every excuse under the sun not to work. Basically not progressing the way our other 4 children did as teens. She turned a kid in for drug use and posted some goofed up pics of a girls she didn't like on one of the popular sites and this came to be a lot of distress for her. She was called into the principal's office to make amends with the girl but of course she has been hassled every since. The school she attends has 1200 kids grades 9-12 but she is certain in her mind that everyone hates her, and she hates everyone.

This summer 2 friends left and her boyfriend of two years also had to move. She has kept in touch with the boyfriend and that is all good. The one new friendship she was making with a female friend ended abruptly when she was kicked out of her house and forced to move. This was the friend she planned to spend time with this school year and with her now gone she feels her life is doomed. She fell into a depression as soon as this all happened......would not get out of bed, would not shower, has hardly been eating. I asked her if she felt depressed and she said she does. She says she doesn't feel like ending her life or hurting herself. I asked her if she could figure out the way fwd for herself and she told me she could not so I decided to seek help for her.

She does not listen to us. I feel husband and I have been very patient and understanding but some of what she says is not even logical. The principal suggested that she work with someone to help her learn some coping skills, she refused it. Husband and I both feel that is exactly what she needs help with. Her solution is to leave this school and move in with her boyfriend's family. Her boyfriend's mom and I happen to be best friends and my friend has offered this to me but I cannot do this. This is my daughter. She doesn't have a driver's license, has not had a job yet. She has so many steps in life ahead of her that she needs her parents there to help her with.

I am waiting to hear back from a counselor I have contacted. I am not sure what we are going to do if she refuses to leave the house to see this counselor or refuses to talk with him. We can't move, my husband is tied to his job for one more year. We extended to stay here just so daughter could graduate from the same school she has been attending since jr high.

Daughter says she is no longer being bullied by these kids at school but that there are two groups of kids that are completely against her. She says she tired of seeing their faces and that she hates them, she hates the school, she hates living where we are. Until her boyfriend left this was the place she was never going to move from. It seems to me it is about wanting to be with the boyfriend and oddly enough it seems to be becoming more popular for kids to move into their boyfriend/girlfriend's homes. She has had more than one friend do this so I think she doesn't understand why we won't allow it.

Her world has been wrapped around this boyfriend for the past 2 years. He has been her bodyguard to make being in school less difficult with these kids. He has been her best friend for the past 2 years. Neither one works and they constantly text, skype, IM or on the phone to each other. Neither one of them are making personal steps for themselves as individuals. Living under the same roof would only distance us from her and make the situation between them worse. They are teenagers and having had 4 other children I realize how deeply in love kids can be with one another and then how quickly it can be done for one or the other. To send her to her boyfriend's house and then have them break up would be yet another devastation. I understand why it is hard. I am a compassionate person.

If anyone has some words of wisdom, some advise, some experience with this I would greatly appreciate a reply.
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Travelinglady
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Default Aug 10, 2013 at 11:31 PM
  #2
I hope, as you say, that she will talk to someone. At least she has a boyfriend.

Have you and your husband considered talking to a counselor about her lately? Maybe a trained person can offer some insights and suggestions as to how to deal with her and what's happening with her at this point.
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Default Aug 11, 2013 at 11:59 AM
  #3
My advice is to not let her move in with her boyfriend. That is running away from her problems and will not help her. Tell her she needs to go see the counselor. I work with troubled children, and most of them don't want help, but most of them do benefit. Tell her every day that you love her. That it will get better. That you will be there for her through every step of the way. And then back those words up with actions.
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