Boyfriend issues with 23 yr old daughter

Hello all: My daughter lives with me and her stepdad. She is 23 yrs old, just graduated and has her Bachelors Degree. She just found a job, and is able to pay her credit cards now. She has always been a little depressed and has needed to see a therapist and get meds for it. Her real father went to jail yrs ago when she was 8 for molesting two of her best friends. It was a devastating time for both of us because we had no idea. To this day she doesn't want to see her dad. Her dad has brought her humiliation, anger, and depression during her school years. We have 'moved on'. She's had two boyfriends while in school and they were both terrible break ups. She has a boyfriend now who is 33 yrs old, lives at home with his mom, has no job, no car, has a cigarette habit and God knows what else because he has a brother that goes in and out of jail for drugs. He has stayed here on occasion and has left cigarette butts in my garden. (I own my home) My daughters bedroom window is in front of my garden. We are non smokers and made it clear to him and to my daughter there will no smoking in the house or he's not allowed to come here. My husband and I were just away on vacation for a week and when we came back...we saw butts on our garden again. My husband and I don't like this guy because he doesn't have respect for our wishes. It seems to us he is using my daughter for her money to buy what he needs. He hasn't tried looking for a job. My daughter claims she loves him and that we are too hard on him...that he is trying to find a job. There was a time before my daughter found a job that she asked me (in front of her boyfriend) if I had any jewelry to sell cause they were broke.! Imagine! My daughter never ever has done that before! I googled and somehow I found an article about him stealing and that he was arrested at the age of 28. That means only 5 years ago! He has told my daughter he has done some bad things in the past. But My husband and I feel that he has not changed. He's sneaky, always 'running errands', can't be trusted. My daughter says we are not giving him a chance and says she wants to move out with him. Her boyfriend's mom is moving into a house and apparently there is a full basement of which my daughter is moving in with him and paying 300 dollars a month. I ask her for specifics like how about cable, internet and such...she has no idea. She just wants to get away from us. Please help!

Hate to tell you, but she's an adult and at this point can make her own decisions, poor as they may be.

You've already voiced your concerns and set up some good boundaries concerning this guy. Beyond that, her mistakes are going to have to be hers to learn from.

I understand your concern. I have a 24-year-old son, and it is hard to step back and let them be the adults they are and make their own mistakes, but that is what needs to happen.

I would impress on her that if she leaves and things go badly, she will need to find other living arrangements rather than to come back home at this point. It's hard to cut that cord, but sometimes that is all we can do after we've put the facts in front of them.