Losing wits end with 4 year old.

Hello all,

I am a father of a 4 year old son who is just absolutely a nightmare right now. I know where to point the finger however doing so really won't help the problem.

So as with most parents I have a son that is supposedly an angel at school/church/outings etc. He listens to the teachers and is very obedient and has apparently become a model for other kids.

However, that all changes when he gets home. He turns into a little devil. Ordering his parents around, demanding things, throwing temper tantrums etc. I have tried everything:

-time outs (he just refuses to stay in one place)

-taking away toys when he is bad (he is determined to get it no matter what. Last time he spent 2 hours trying to get the toy I left on top of the fridge)

-speaking softly....speaking loudly (all same, "I don't like you" response or "NO!")

-I have tried ignoring him (that works well for about the first 3 hours until either my wife or I give in)

-I have given myself time outs and tried to avoid him but he follows me everywhere.

-I have even tried spanking, guess what that resulted in...nothing

So I am at a loss. I don't know what to do and it is driving me and the wife crazy.

Should a child therapist be the next step?

It sounds to me like child therapy might be a very good idea! I would first take him to his pediatrician and make sure there is nothing physical causing the problems and the doctor might be able to refer you to a good Therapist. Good Luck!

Yes, I agree. It is time for a child therapist. Find one who specializes in working with young children.

You are a step ahead of a lot of parents who think that the child is the only one who is going to have to work. It sounds like you realize that you are going to have to change to help your son. That is a big first step.

What you've written, does not sound out of the normal sphere of behaviour for a 4 year old (is he nearer 3 or 5?). But it is testing.

Firstly, it's sort of a good reflection on you & your wife, that he feels able to act out at home. Not easy for you guys though.

Secondly, I would think about what is going on for him at the moment. Has there been any changes... new baby, new school, friends, rows at home. If you can try to work out what the motives are behind his behaviour... i.e. ordering you around; apart from needing to fine tune his social skills (my 3 year old can be very rude too), maybe he needs more control, rather than less. this may sound mad but if you give kids as much control as you can (obviously within reason and with limits)... they won't need to act it out. for instance, giving him a choice of what to wear, what he wants to eat, allowing him to lead in play. In theory, this will help when you need him to something that he doesn't have any control over, like holding your hand when he crosses the road.

Think also about the amount of connection time you have together, it could be his behaviour is a way of reconnecting with you. Even spending 10 minutes of your undivided attention might help. Good luck!

How consistent are you? I understand feeling like things aren't working so you try other methods, but if you keep changing methods or give in, as you mentioned above, he will likely continue. For what it's worth, I know a lot of people who's 3 and 4 year olds act up, it's pretty normal, but hopefully with some consistent discipline over time you'll see things smooth out.