Struggling with what to do

Hi, I am not sure if this is the right place to post, but I'll do it anyways. I am in my mid 20s, I am married and have 3 children (all under 6). I have been married for 7 years. Both my parents and my inlaws live in the same city, traveling for the holidays means visiting both sides of the family. We've always struggled with my spouses side of the family with drama and stress which has always made it tough during visits. My spouse cannot stand them yet, insists that we must visit them.

I have always felt that I was treated somewhat of a red headed stepchild. I knew my parents loved me, but I always believed they loved my sibling more. My parents always visited my sibling yet always gave an excuse why they couldnt visit me (my sibling and I lived equal distances from my parents in opposite directions). They also always gave my sibling nice things like a brand new car and gave me a clunker.

To try to not get in all the details (as this would be an even longer post) 3 years ago, my parents heard of a argument that my wife and I had, and I am not completely sure what they heard (they heard it by my inlaws - the same ones that like to create drama) but they took it we were wanting a divorce. Thinking that we were wanting a divorce (which we deff did not! we have a very strong marriage) they came at us accusing us, refusing to let us speak and then ripping a large (8x12) picture up that was mounted on their wall of my children claiming that us getting a divorce would destroy the kids. To state it again, we divorce never crossed our minds we just had an argument. And again they did not care what we had to say just wanted to insist that we were destroying our kids.

At the moment they ripped up my kids picture, I decided it was time for us to leave. A few weeks passed and it was time for Christimas, we made our long 10hr trip to their city. Stayed at their house, tensions were moderate from our last visit.

Now before I get into this part let me say, my children our extremely well behaved. On Christmas night my spouse and I, my parents, and my sibling and their spouse were all playing a nice game. My oldest was sitting with us, being 3-4 years old and holding a game card which he accidentally bent. My sibling flipped accusing my spouse of not knowing how to control my children and claiming my spouse was a bad parent. My spouse and I separated from the game to put my kids to bed. The conflict rose with my father kicking us out of the house on Christmas night. We drove back to our house 10ish hrs away late Christmas night, not knowing how to explain it to my kids why we were leaving.

I didn't speak with my parents for a few months, during that time I saw a psychologist who insisted that my father was a terrible man (I never once thought growing up that my dad was a bad man, I always that he was a good father). He also posed the question that maybe we don't want to have my parents or family involved with my children's life life. I was quite shocked about how this psychologist acted towards my parents, and never could decide what to do.

Time passed, I slowly started talking to my mother again (never my father) and Christmas came and we were not invited to stay at their house. We did spend a little time with them but kept it short and sweet always tiptoeing around not knowing what to do.

More time passed I talked to my mother some (again never to my father or sibling). My mother kept insisting that I was at fault and that I need to make the effort, I always thought why can't my father/sibling make a little effort?

In the last 2 years I have spoken to my father 1 or 2 times on the phone, and I have seen him 2x in person.

Now here is Christmas again 2 years after the first one. We now have a dog, which we feel as part of our family and don't want to put it in a kennel. So again we are not invited to stay at their house because we have a dog even though they know the dog would stay in a crate in the garage, and all droppings would be picked up, leaving no mess behind. Anyways, we decided to stay at my brother in laws house, he has a small place with an extra room but no bed, so all 5 of us will be sleeping on the floor. We wanted to keep this visit short and sweet, having christmas day with my spouse and kids and visiting each family for 1 day and then going back home. Next year we are planing on staying at our home for the holidays.

I spoke to my mother today, who flipped on me and got very upset. I told her our plan, 1 day with each family, and even said that my kids (she only wants 2 out of the 3 claiming that 3 is too much work) could stay at her house that night if she wanted. She seemed happy and then got upset claiming that we just wanted to come eat, open presents (I'd rather my family not do presents at all with them), and leave and that they would barely get to see their grandkids (I didn't mention this before, but they act to me like they care more about their grandkids than they do me - I say that because they have driven though my city before, called me asked if the kids were still awake, I told them no and they said oh, we were going to stop but since we wont get to see them then we wont stop.)

So now I feel like I am at a point, if I do take my family to visit them for Christmas we will be tiptoeing around constantly afraid to say the wrong thing or worse another fight which I really don't want. I want a peaceful Chrsitmas, one with good family memories. I'd love to have a good relationship with my parents, but we just don't have it.

Christmas has now become an idea that I HATE because of what has happened in the past, because of my family, my spouses family and their drama. Instead of looking forward to my kids opening their present of Christmas day, I look forward to next year, for the holidays to be over with. I have a lot of pain from the last 2 years that I have not gotten over at all. They refuse to admit they did anything wrong at all, I have apologized to them yet they literally refuse to admit they did anything wrong.

So I guess there is 2 reasons I wrote this, one reason one to get it off my chest, and the other to hear anyone thoughts, no matter what they are...

First of all, I am glad you got all of this off your chest. Now......Christmas is supposed to be a time of great joy not great anxiety! If one or both families are making your Christmas miserable then I suggest that you just don't go to visit them. They don't have to like it and when they get angry just tell them you will not visit them until they change their attitude and treat you, your spouse and your children with the love that you all deserve. It's just a suggestion but I know it's what I would do.

Make new traditions with your family (immediate family I mean) and leave the drama and hurt feelings of your extended families behind.

Should either set of in-laws wish to visit the grandkids, the road runs both ways between their homes and yours.

My two cents.

If it was me I would stay home this year. Make things fun for your kids and make new traditions.

Ditto. Could would rather wake up in their own house on Christmas. Why put yourself through that misery and long drive?

I think you can spend the gas money on making decorations, snuggling up watching christmas and somthing nice for each other. Tell them you just don't have the money this year.

You have your own family now, think about the memories you are helping to create for your kids. Stay at home and I bet you have the best Christmas ever. Your family sound very selfish, it may be time to stand up for you and your family. This is your time now. Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

If you're looking for excuses - 10 hour journey for 3 under 6 can't be fun, no where to stay, your dog, and yeah, the gas money.