*Good wife and good mom for 22 years, but now...

( i have posted this thread in a previous forum, and am posting it again in this section hoping to get advice, opinions, similar stories... from moms and dads or anybody who would help me. Thank you)

Hello!

I am a 21 years old girl who desperately need a professional advice to prevent her family from falling apart.

I live in a conservative christian family (Middle East), my childhood was great, my parents tried their best to provide for my sister an I all things any child and teenager can wish for.*

My mom was the perfect mom and wife for 20 years, she and dad lived happily together. Things in our lives were getting better especially financially since my parents passed in a hard time when i has a child.*

I thought i lived in the most happy family until 2 years ago.
I found out that mom was being infidel to my dad. I knew she was bcz i started doubting her behavior, she was changing, always texting (my mom never did) staying late after work, always angry, always away, she never gave me the password for her phone even when i needed to borrow it for urgent reasons. I managed to unlock her phone and found love messages from a man. This shocked me a loooooot since my mom is a very ethic person and good wife. I didnt know what to do, my friend adviced me to tell dad so I did (he guessed who the man was and he knew him from a work party). He confronted my mom, she said that nothing happened and it was just some stupid texting, she said she is sorry and this will never ever happen again, and cried for a week. Dad believed and forgave her bcz he loves her sooo much and trusts her blindly. I believed her bcz i wished that none of that had ever happened. She blamed me for telling dad and accused me for killing our family. Things got back to "normal" after a while, dad managed to stop thinking about what happened after a few months.*

After a while, i doubted in my mom's behavior again. The same story happened again. I found out she was cheating, and that it's not just "stupid texting" she was seeing the man and she fell in love with him. I confronted her and did not tell my dad this time. She was very angry with me, she accused me again saying it's none of my business. I was shocked to see my mom change like that, bcz my old mom, if she knew i found out she is cheating, would kill herself from shame. But instead, she is defending her right of having "a friend" and she never admitted having an affair with him. She promised she will never talk to him again, but i didnt believe her.*

Again after a while she returned to behave in a way that made me doubt and i discovered sexual talks between them on the phone, and i confronted her with proofs and a recording that proves seeing him many times. Agaiiiiin instead of feeling ashamed or sorry (not to me but to her family) or at least tell me she regrets what she has done, she says it's not my job to tell her how to live, it's her life and she is not hurting anybody. she tells me that what happens between her and dad in none of my business. But I think that it is directly related to my sister and I, and it is our job to help protect our family, and if we found out that someone needs help we have to speak out. And if mom and dad divorce, it is us who are going to have a messed up life, especially that for 20 years our life at home was very loving and caring.*

Every time I confront my mom, she manages to win the conversation and lies by saying that she is not seeing him. Every time after a few months i get new proofs, confront her, and same result.*

Once she started saying that she has NO REASON to cheat on my dad, he is a great man, she even told me that there are no sexual problems between them, but then she starts to try to convince me that little situations have led her to fall in love with another man (yes the last time i confronted her she admitted that she is in love with that other man, and btw he is married and have 2 daughters). I know that my dad is a great man, he always takes care of mom, he treats her very gently, never shouts, never nags, it is enough to know about my dad by knowing that he forgave her the first time he knew there is another man, and he trusted her again... Mom had made a mistake, and instead of correcting it the first time she was discovered, she continues to go deeper and deeper. All our life my sister and I had changed. The house is becoming hell. Every day we fight with mom even she ana dad are fighting, she is being unstable always sad, always tired, she feels like home is her prison, she wants to be elsewhere*. We didnt tell our father anything about what we know. We had to lie at him sometimes when he doubted something is going wrong between us and mom since we fight a lot. We lie to protect their marriage hoping that mom will see that and try to change the situation.*

Dad is starting to doubt and mention what happened 2 years ago (the texts i told him about the first time) my sister and I have been living in a lie since in front of dad we act very happy so he wont feel that something is wrong, but every time we talk to mom we fight a looooot. Mom is being hysterical, when she is upset she becomes uncontrollable, she hits herself sometimes on the head hardly. I am sure in the depth of her heart she is ashamed from what she had done and still doing, and she is hurting, she loves us and love dad, but she found pleasure in her clandestine affair and starts to convince herself that the life she has with dad isnt good and every time something normal happens between her and dad she makes it a big deal and makes my sister and i know the whole story in a dramatic way so we give her the right to cheat on dad or maybe understand that she is not doing anything wrong, but my sister and i are wise enough to understand every situation happening. We always tell her that there are wives living in hell with their husband but they stay loyal, they stay at least loving with their children, but you... you want to cheat, you want us to shut our mouth up, you want to make a mess at home by you useless arguments and fights every day to seem and feel oppressed and to convince yourself and your daughters that you have the right to have a lover. THIS IS BECOMING UNBEARABLE. We begged her to stop her adultery but she wont. I really cant believe my angelic mom who spent 20 years raising us the BEST way had changed so much, and believe me there is no reason except for little misunderstandings that happens between any married couple.

I am sorry for talking that much but i have a broken heart, i miss hugging my mom, i miss admiring her.... we talked to her 10 times but nothing had changed. And now my dad is not taking it anymore. Everyday she fights with him, and he is starting to believe that there is something wrong.

Please tell me what to do, tell me if there is a chance to make my mom end her relationship, tell me if i have to talk to her again and what to say since i said everything i can. Many times my sister and I tried to understand her and find a reason for her infidelity, many times we talked to her gently (while dying inside bcz we adore our father and are so sad that she is being unfaithful to him, and we have seen him always doing his best to make her happy) we also talked to her in a bit aggressive way, we threatened to leave the house if she carries on with this situation, we told her that we lost our idol since she was our idol, but she knows that we love her and dad so much and we are afraid to do anything that would hurt the family or lead to divorce. My mom is taking advantage of our silence and is not afraid that dad will discover her affair bcz at home she was being the nice wife (until few months now). She knows we will never tell dad again bcz after I told him the first time, i was so sad i hurt him a lot.*

So let me finish by apologizing for this huge text, feel free to tell me anything, i am looking forward for advice bcz our home is unlivable anymore, my sister and I dont trust mom anymore and this is killing us, we want to stop seeing her hurt (i know she is hurting inside) we want dad to stop questioning, and to get back the loving atmosphere at home. Would it be possible? Does my mom have mental issues? Is she bipolar? She wants her life with us.. at the same time she doesnt want to end her affair... she knows that what she is doing is wrong yet she is not ending it....

What should I do?

Thank you in advance.

***

You have posted this on several different forums and have received some good, solid advice. Not sure what else you are looking for. Good luck.

As painful and worrying as it is, I think your mum is right, it's non of your business. She is her own person and there are many reasons why people are unfaithful. It's really between her and your dad, you are your sister shouldn't be involved. And you really shouldn't be hacking into her phone, that's very intrusive.

You are 21 now, I wonder why your lives are so wrapped around your parents lives? I hope you find peace, but it's really up to your mum and dad what they decide to do.

"she started saying that she has NO REASON to cheat on my dad"

As the above poster, it's not your business, it's VERY intrusive to hack someones phone to get to their personal information and you've no right anyway.

This is between your parents. Having 'no reason' to cheat on your father doesn't even come into it. If she's not emotionally satisfied in her marriage and has gone outside the relationship for fulfillment, it's nothing to do with your dad being a great guy.

People break up all the time, people live within unfulfilling marriages and all sorts happens.

It is a refreshing change of pace to hear the child's perspective of her parents' marriage falling apart. As a mother, I tend to hide a lot of adult issues from my kids. It is very unfortunate that you got caught in the middle. How old is your sister? If you are both adults, can't you just move out? There is bound to be more drama about to occur. Your dad will eventually find out and not tolerate it, and the other guy will also need to tell his wife and kids and everything will fall apart. Then maybe pieces can be picked up, and that's the only way things will resolve. I hope everyone is emotionally strong enough to handle it.