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Old 04-21-2015, 10:28 PM   #1
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Default Step-parenting: I feel like I am failing

I want to apologize ahead of time if it seems like I am jumping or skipping around, I have kept things bottled inside of me for quite some time before deciding to seek help or answers on here. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. I have a 4 year old son and he has a 3 year old son and 7 year old daughter. My son lives with us permanately, his daughter we get on the weekends, and his sons pretty much lives with us (his mom is not in the picture at all). My boyfriend always accuses me of not giving my step kids any attentioN. I hate when he always tells me this because I feel like I do give them attention but I will always have a stronger bond with my son, since he is MY kid. Let's start with the issues with my step son. My boyfriends mother and sister pretty much raised him until my boyfriend and I got togetheR. Once we started dating I told him he needs to see his son more and since I was around a d willing to help him take care of him, he agreed. We have had him ever since. However, the problem lies here...there are set rules at our house. My step son still frequently (2-3 days a week) goes to my boyfriends mom's or sisters house. When he goes there, he is spoiled rotten, gets whatever he wants, doesn't have to do anything himself, etc. This drives me insane because I am trying to teach him certain things like how to get things for himself, dressing himself, etc. This makes it extra hard to do when they won't cooperate with me I am the only mother figure he has around so I feel like this is my place to teach and love him like my own but it's hard to do when he constantly doesn't pay attention to me when I talk to him or ignores me or even starts crying just when I look at him. My boyfriend is always telling me that I baby my son more then my step son which I do at times but I feel like I should because my son does not go to see family else where, my step son does at least twice a week. Am I wrong for not treating them equally? Even though I feel like he gets that special "motherly" love from his grandma and aunt? Or is my boyfriend overreacting?
Now to my stepdaughter. This is the biggest problem. For the longest time, about 5 years, it was just her and my boyfriend so of coarse he spoiled her. That's daddy's little girl. I totally get that. Then she had her brother come into the picture, and now my son and I. I understand that she may need to adjust to that, but I feel like she has had 2 years to adjust. She lives with her mother's mom (her grandma) and she runs the house over there. She is the only child living there and does whatever she wants. She doesn't have to clean her room, pick up after herself, watches tv all say, etc. This causes a problem because when she comes to our house for the weekend, she gets mad because there are chores and rules that she doesn't like. Then she goes home, tell her grandma I am oh so mean and the grandma rips into my boyfriend and then he gets on me sayING I need to be easier on her. I don't feel like I need to because I have never met a 7 year old who is more of a (excuse my language) ***** then her. She talks to her father rudly when she doesn't get her way and he doesn't do anything g about it. Then I feel like I am forced to step in because damn it I will NOT have ANY child talk to me or my boyfriend the way she does. She constantly tells me I don't have to listen to you my mom and grandma says so, rolls her eyes at me, etc. I feel like she is trying to piN my boyfriend and I against each other, and sadly it is working. Anytime I disapline her, I get yelled at by my boyfriend. my boyfriend is always telling me that he doesn't want to be Co Stanly getting on her or yelling at her because she is only here on the weekends and he doesn't want her to not want to come to our house. Yet she has to cause it is court ordered. AND she has her own room here, when both the boys share a room with my boyfriend and I as we only have a 2 bedroom toun house. This has always been a problem with me because she doesn't live here, has her own room at her grandma's and the boys live with us and don't even have their own room. But yet my boyfriends response, "I always promised her her own room when I got my own place." I just feel like he let's her get whatever she wants and babies her because he doesn't have her all the time like he used to and I totally understand that but at the same time, she shouldby be breaking the rules and getting special treatment because he doesn't want her to get mad at him. It is to the point where I am about to not do anything (cook, baths, Laundry, taking them anywhere) for my step kids because I am tired of getting criticized for every little thing I do for or to theM. My boyfriend and my son have an amazing relationship but I feel like that is the way it is because he is always here so he knows the rules and knows how to behave at home whereas his kids don't because they don't have rules when they aren't here. I am just so sick and tired of fighting over the kids constantly and dont know what else to do. I do t wa t to judt leave the situations alone because theN they will be getting their way and it wouldn't be fair to my son. I fear the step-kids are going to break my boyfriend and I up and I dont want that to happen because I do love him so much. Maybe we should seek couples counseling? I have even told him I am going to start staying at my mom's while his daughter is here that way I don't have to deal with it and they will really see who does everything around the house and who takes care of the kids. In the long run, I feel very underappreciated for everything I do and just get **** on daily but the kids or my boyfriend. HELP!!!
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Old 04-22-2015, 11:16 AM   #2
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Default Re: Step-parenting: I feel like I am failing

Yikes, it sounds like there are a lot of issues going on. I think since you do live together and the kids are caught in the middle you do need to get couples counseling ASAP. It does sound like your BF needs to set better boundaries, rules and expectations and you probably need to step back a bit and try to be more nuturing. All the kids are still so young. If you are going to continue to live together please do not leave when his daughter comes to stay with you. That is sending a terrible message to her and will affect her for the rest of her life. It sounds like both of his kids have been abandoned by their mothers and they bounce around between the grandmother's houses and your house. That's going to affect them and they need a good balance between disciple and love and support.

Good luck!
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Old 04-23-2015, 09:36 PM   #3
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Default Re: Step-parenting: I feel like I am failing

I think that you need to look into family therapy. You and him need to be on the same page with the same age appropriate expectations for all of the children or it will build resentment in the kids. Good luck.
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