Need advice on my 3 year old step daughter

Hi,

I have a step daughter who is 3 years old and her mum will not allow my husband to see her, the last time he was allowed was January this year,
since they split up she has twisted this poor little girls mind all day everyday telling her that daddy doesn't love you, daddy doesn't want to see you, he does this, and that, and is a very bad man,
this is far from the truth he misses his little girl everyday and would do anything to see her,
at the beginning of there break up his ex would let him see his daughter one day then not let him the next, this went on and on for months so when she done this in January he said that's the last time she's going to do that, as is not fair on his little girl, as it is messing her head up,
we have talked and he has said that he will wait until she is older and let her make her own mind up if she wants to see him or not, we have all the evidence on his ex to show what she has been like and the things she has said and done, my concern is that in the time he is not in his daughters life she is going to listen to all the lies her mum says about him and will not want to know him, does anyone know what age she has to be for her to have her own say in court (in the uk) not his ex saying what will or will not happen with his little girl,
it's killing him inside not being in her life and seeing her growing up, this is all because his ex is not happy that she let him go and wants him back still she always has even her ex boyfriends (since her split with my husband) have told me she was only with them to make my husband jealous and go back to her when she knows there is no way in hell he would ever go back to her,
all he wants is to see his little girl grow up and be happy not having her little head messed up by her mum everyday.

I hope someone can give me some advice on this.

If he wants to see his daughter, he needs to go to court. Unless he has a criminal record or a history of abuse, he will be granted partial custody or visitation. It is not up to the mother whether or not he sees his daughter. When he does see the little girl, he should not speak badly about her mother, present any "evidence" of what he thinks is her bad behavior, or drag her into the custody issues. He should focus only on spending time with the little girl and not even bringing up her mother. Developing a bond with her is the only way to make them close. If he says anything bad about the mother, even if it's true, that will push her away. It is not appropriate, at any age, to drag the daughter into the parents' issues.

Thank you, the thing is he doesn't want to take it to court but if that's the only way to see her he will have too, his ex wife will lie and say that he has done things that are not true, and she will get people to lie for her as well because she does it every day, his little girl was 4 yrs yesterday and he sent a card for his ex wife to have opened posted all over FB then sent back to him, his daughter has not even seen the card, but as normal he has been called every name under the sun that I will not repeat on here, all he wants is to see his little girl but his ex wife is so bitter and twisted because he will not go back to her she will not let him see her.

It's true that custody/visitation issues should be settled in court. But I want to add something here. Keep in mind that the issue is between the parents. Your relationship with the father does not give you the right to interfere or accuse or even discuss the issue with the mother. It is only between them. I'm not saying you do or would do this. My daughter and her ex just went thru this. Just saying an outside party interfering never makes things better. I hope everyone keeps the little girl's best interests in mind and makes mature decisions regarding her.

I'm sorry for what I am about to say because it is not meant harshly. However, I would say he needs to make a decision on whether he wants a relationship with this child now. If he does, he needs to take the mother to court regardless of stuff on FB and quit being scared. Otherwise, the child is going to think the Dad doesn't want anything to do with her. I don't blame her for that. Waiting for her to become an adult and all that isn't going to probably going to be great like he hopes. She will probably want nothing to do with him because he's never been a father to her. She certainly isn't going to trust a guy who has never been around over her mom.

I have never been involved in this other than the fact that we are together his ex wife has done nothing but cause problems since the day she found out about us, that's the thing he is keeping her best interests at heart but his ex wife just sees there daughter as a weapon against him to try and hurt him because he will not go back to her.

He is far from scared and will not wait until she is an adult to be in her life even if he does there is no saying she will not want to know him, I know that for a fact as I grew up with out my dad in my life and I am really close to him now I met him when I was 17 yrs. he just doesn't want to cause his daughter anymore heart ache or pain then he has to.

I agree with everyone who has said that he must go to court if he is to have any chance. If the ex-wife lies, she lies. If she succeeds in convincing the judge that her lies are true, then he can beg the court to allow him supervised visits with an intermediary. In fact, because of the woman's history of lying, I would seriously consider the following course of action:

Take it to court and request shared custody or visitation. If he is granted shared custody, and you can afford it, set up a surveillance system in your home and record during the times that she is there.

If he is granted visitation, hire a third party to supervise visitation without bringing it to the court's or her mother's attention.

In both of these instances, it is likely that she will lie to the court about what has been happening to her daughter while with your husband and it is likely (based on other such cases) that she will lie sooner rather than later. In this way, there will be an impartial record of his behavior. If you can prove that the mother is lying about abuse or other inappropriate behavior via an impartial method, then she'll be found guilty of perjury, and he'll quickly find the court on his side of future custody matters.

If he is denied both of these requests, he can beg the court for supervised visits. They stink, but if he makes every visit for an extended amount of time, he'll be able to petition the court for unsupervised visits in the future - at which point he should then continue to make certain the visits are supervised to prevent sabotage through perjury.

If all of the above attempts fail, I would recommend that he blog his love and heartache for his daughter beginning immediately. Five years from now, ten, fifteen...but she will find it some day - and it will be a record of his love and yearning for his daughter that will pay dividends if they must begin their relationship anew later in life.