[cherryberry]

My daughter sent a text that was intended for my ex about something I said to my other daughter that she didn't like. Unluckily for her, she was sleepy and accidentally sent the text to me.
And just when I'd thought we'd reconciled. Well, now I know who she's loyal to.

[~Christina]

Children often do this back and forth nonsense, how old is your child ?

Were you with the child's father for a long time ?

That can be helpful for us to offer you the best advice possible.

[cherryberry]

I was with him ten years. My daughters are 21 and 19. My 19 year old still lives with me. She hates my new SO because we've been having issues. I'd relocated to the state he was in to be with him, but we both felt it was best that I come back to my home state where my older daughter was. We've had about a month to cool off and I want to try to work things out, but my younger daughter hates him. When she heard he and my stepdaughter were coming to visit, she got a sullen attitude with me. My older daughter was visiting that day. I lost my temper with my younger daughter over her attitude, then went upstairs and cried. My older daughter and my younger daughter went outside so I guess my older daughter could comfort her or something. The thing is I am having financial issues and I need my SO's help. My daughter's lack of a cooperative attitude isn't helping! Anyway, after I got finished crying, I went on an outing to be by myself for a while. That's when I got my daughter's text.

[healingme4me]

Sounds like she gets a biased echo chamber for which to feed her righteousness?

Are they both working and able to contribute? It sounds like some 'adulting' is in order on both their parts. Sure, they are your kids, at the same time, teamwork is teamwork and if you're having struggles, it stands to reason that so are they.

[cherryberry]

Yes, they're both working, but my older daughter doesn't live with me anymore. I've decided to cut contact after telling her how I feel in a text. She refuses to apologize, saying I'm not fair to my younger daughter in a text to me. She's such a coward - she knew I'd react angrily to the text that accidentally was sent to me and just went home when she realized her mistake. We had a text convo in which I told her I know where her loyalties lie now. Her attitude is basically, "Sorry, not sorry," and that she should have told me her feelings before, but she was scared of my reaction. She's sorry I feel upset, but not for sending the text meant for her dad. She basically says (amd I'm paraphrasing) that I make my younger daughter carry my burdens and blame her for my relationship problems, that I don't understand how they feel. Yes, I have been married a couple of times, and i have told my younger daughter that her attitudes towards the men in my life have helped make things harder, but I don't remember ever telling her it was her fault that they failed. Partly her fault? Maybe. But at the end of the day, those men were not the right people for me and that's why the relationships did not work out, which I feel Ive made clear to my kids!!! And yes, I do get emotional support from my younger daughter. In a way, my daughters have been all I've had sometimes. But sometimes, my younger daughter doesn't understand how I feel or cooperate emotionally, and now my older daughter has betrayed me. My sons treat me like crap. My friendships - sometimes I dont know who's really there for me and who's not. I don't feel like my family is there for me. I'm just alone.

[healingme4me]

As much as my ex pains me when my oldest son in the past would go through his emotional hormonal outbursts in telling either my son or myself to work it out between us, reading this, puts into perspective what that means.

As far as being 19, ironically, that fact brings to memory one night out with my girldfriends and a mutual declaration amongst us, that 19 was that one age we'd all wished never happened. It sucked.

She's really going to need to come to grips that men don't leave because of the kids that a woman has from a previous relationship. That barely touches the surface and it's just too simple of an excuse. It's a mask for an unwillingness to work at the relationship. It's quite similar to being both afraid of commitment and a lack of knowing or wanting to push through the rough edges that relationships face.

Much like your feeling about how your stepdaughter sees you is much like a bigger metaphor of how life has been.

Maybe your daughter subconsciously or consciously feels that way about the totality of her life, thus far. Your older daughter needs to address her own anger.

Life isn't perfect. Upbringings aren't perfect. But darn it all, the desire for some peaceful middle ground is typically universal.