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Default Jan 15, 2018 at 08:46 AM
  #1
I raised my son to become a man, create a life for himself to be self supporting and happy....and he did, astonishingly fast. While I am so happy and proud of him, I am feeling grief and loss.

That baby bird left the nest and never looked back!

He graduated college, got a good job, moved in with his gf who he plans to marry, and really blew us off.

When I call him, I sense an attitude of separation.

I guess it’s mostly due to the bad start we’ve had with his gf. He’s become a part of her family now.

I feel abandoned.

I love my son with all my heart. We had the best relationship until he flew the nest. Now I feel like just letting him live his life and not even trying to ever see him.

I can sense the influence of his gf tugging him away from us (especially from me).

I have always called him at least once a week. He calls occasionally, now hardly at all, if ever.

Let him live and be well.

I did my job as a mother, to raise him to be self sufficient...and now I am grieving and feeling such loss because HE has made us feel that way. I guess I didn’t teach him to call his mother sometimes and make peace between his woman and his family.

What should I do?

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Default Jan 15, 2018 at 10:34 AM
  #2
Hi Tisha. Sorry you're feeling abandonment and loss. I'm not a parent, and I'm in awe of people who can pull off this often-thankless task.

To be honest, your son's behaviour sounds perfectly normal, to me.

I'm trying to think back to the males in my social group when I was that age, and yes, not-calling-your-mother is what everyone did.

It's all about friends, at that age. And after that, dating. These two things would take up about 75% of a twenty-something's thoughts. Career might take up another 25%? Look! There's nothing left!

I hope you don't mind me being light-hearted about it.

You've done an amazing job, to create a person who can get out there and be popular, go to college, have friends, develop an independent 'self', fall in love.
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Default Jan 15, 2018 at 10:37 AM
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I would give him some space. Give it time, he will contact you eventually. I'm sure he would appreciate you stepping back for a bit.
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Default Jan 15, 2018 at 07:48 PM
  #4
It sounds like you are suffering from empty nest syndrome. My parents got a dog when we all moved out I think to help with those feelings, especially my mom. Try to feel proud of yourself for all the work you put in and that you son is successful and not needing to move in with you. In today's economy that is a major step. He is doing what you were trying to teach him to do as he grew up.

It is hard to feel like your son is abandoning you. Have you shared your feelings with him that you want to have more contact? If not, then he can't know that. Do you have a spouse? If so, have you talked to your spouse about this? Does your spouse have more contact with your son? My understanding is that overall guys are less chatty. This might mean that he is okay with the amount you guys talk and unless you let him know you want more contact he wont think of that. But I know I'm stereotyping with that comment.
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Default Jan 15, 2018 at 09:26 PM
  #5
Be nice to his girlfriend. You are under no obligation to like her. But you absolutely are under a social obligation to be courteous and gracious toward her. (At least that's what proper etiquette would advize.) Do not speak disparagingly of her to your son.

I give you credit for having the honesty to recognize that your relationship with the gf is at the crux of the alienation that you feel between your son and you.

Your son may have made a bad choice of a domestic partner. But that's for him to figure out.
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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 11:58 AM
  #6
Thank you all!

At the real crux of it, is that I am hurt at how my son seems to have turned on us.

He says I told him he was ‘disowned’. This is an especially sore subject as it is a running theme of abuse my mother gives to me and my sisters. I never said that. He misunderstood. Then he mistrusted. He never spoke in honesty about it. Why didn;t he even call his father, if that’s what he thought I said. (I even asked him this when the shyt hit the fan about all this over Thanksgiving). I said BS to his claiming I said that to him.

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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 12:03 PM
  #7
And I feel that it was his gf who influenced him to turn. For sure. And that’s what I am not liking. Red flags about that. Just a feeling a mother gets. It’s actually out of protection for my son. It’s also protection of what we had as a family unit. We are a team! I’m upset he so quickly turned his trust and loyalty away from us. How could he believe we would ever hurt him? Even if his gf talked him into it. How could he be so unsure of us? How could he think I don’t love him with every fiber of my being?

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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 12:05 PM
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I understand that you feel hurt, Tisha, but I hope you will give him some space. If you bring up these feelings to him, it will likely push him further away. Give him some time to live his life. It sounds like you really love and care about your son, and a part of that is letting him figure out what he wants.
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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 12:09 PM
  #9
And yes, I have empty nest syndrome, too. I wasn’t expecting him to be quite so independent and grown up and flew away so fast. I’m just in shock it happened so fast.

I had midlife crisis so bad, and now I have this. I go through everything.

I am also worried that it is that we now know that I (his mom) has a PD, etc... and I am not capable of getting through life without destroying everything in my path. I subconsciously knew, once he became a grown man, I might start having friction with him. I never expected it from my D! He’s the sweetest natured guy.

This was the kid who cartwheeled in to the room. I miss him so much.

He knows I’ve been very sick. I wish I ‘felt the love’ from him. I feel he turned it off somehow. Is this her influence?

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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 12:12 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by scaredandconfused View Post
I understand that you feel hurt, Tisha, but I hope you will give him some space. If you bring up these feelings to him, it will likely push him further away. Give him some time to live his life. It sounds like you really love and care about your son, and a part of that is letting him figure out what he wants.
Yes, I’m not going to say anything to him. I’m not even going to call. Just a quick ‘hello’ once a week. Maybe just a text to keep in touch.

Because, if I spoke to him more, I’d probably make it worse.

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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 12:14 PM
  #11
There was an incident over Thanksgiving where he was texting, obviously with his gf, right in front of us, but not letting us know, just secretly, and I noticed and called him on it, of course. It was during buying him a car. He kept texting her, like she was telling him what to do. It was SNEAKY of him to do. It says a lot about this situation.

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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 12:15 PM
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Yes, I’m not going to say anything to him. I’m not even going to call. Just a quick ‘hello’ once a week. Maybe just a text to keep in touch.

Because, if I spoke to him more, I’d probably make it worse.
I think a big issue is that you are questioning his choice of partner, and turning it into a "me vs. her" kind of battle. That is not at all fair to put your son through; he does not deserve to be put in the middle like that.

You ask if his lack of contacting you could be "her influence", I would say not at all. He is an adult and can make his own decisions. The only bad influence I see is your outright dislike of her, which is probably making your son feel very uncomfortable and keeping his distance from you. Try to think of things from his perspective. He loves you and his partner very much, and doesn't want to choose between the two. That is very rough indeed!
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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 01:18 PM
  #13
Sorry Tish, I agree with Scaredandconfused. You're going to drive him away if you can't step back.

You wrote: 'He did this' or 'He made me feel this way', (or similar). But your feelings are not his responsibility. He's just living his life.

Put a smile on your face, grit your teeth and welcome the girl. Then he won't be forced to secretly text her.

His choice of partner is none of your business.

Sorry for being brutal, but you've had a great relationship with your son so far. Don't spoil it now with controlling and emotionally blackmailing behaviour.
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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 02:56 PM
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I'm a mom of four, but we are a way a away from them leaving the nest. However my heart aches when I read your words. It must be so hard for you. What I would do is journal your feelings. In case he ever wonders if you caree (while giving him space) you can show him. Big, gigantic hugs to you.
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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 03:07 PM
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I am also worried that it is that we now know that I (his mom) has a PD, etc... and I am not capable of getting through life without destroying everything in my path.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Just a quick ‘hello’ once a week. Maybe just a text to keep in touch.

Because, if I spoke to him more, I’d probably make it worse.
You don't destroy everything--you are saying this because you are upset. Just checking in once a week briefly sounds like the right thing to do--even if he doesn't respond. Only check in with him when you are feeling centered verses upset.

Our children have a firm grip on our hearts. At least he is healthy and doing well. That is a true blessing and you can be proud of the role you played.
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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 05:08 PM
  #16
If you ask him to choose between his mother and his girlfriend, he will choose the person he lives with. She is the most important person in his life now.

As I said, you don't have to like her. Maybe, if I met her, I mightn't like her either. Sometimes the best we can do is put up with someone. If she is flat out rude or disrespectful to you, then you have a right to object. But your objection has to be to a specific incident of bad behavior. You can't take issue with what you suspect goes on between your son and his gf, no natter how strong your gut feeling is . . . and even though you may be right about what you think goes on. She is under no obligation to like you either, but she is obligated to be courteous to you.

If your son is using his cell phone in your presence in a way that is rude, then you can call him on that. What influence his gf may have is beside the point. Your son is totally responsible for his behavior, regardless of who influenced him. If he brings a young woman into your home who behaves badly, you have a right to mention that to him. But it has to be concrete and specific. You can't object to what you imagine he and his girlfriend talk about privately between themselves. (Even though you may guess right about it.) That's their business.

Your son and his gf are a team now. They live together. They are a package deal. To get one, you have to take the other. That's how it goes. Someday, she may be the mother of your grandchildren. You can isolate yourself from all that. Their lives will go on, with you or without you.

Lots of people aren't real fond of their childrens' spouses or S.O.s. But, they work on concealing that, if they want to stay involved in the lives of their sons and daughters. If staying involved isn't important to you and you just have to make it clear how much you dislike your son's gf, you can do that. But your life will be the poorer for it. They will walk away, hand-in-hand, and you won't matter much to them. Then that nest of yours will truly be a barren place.

Your son is not to old to be corrected by you when he's wrong. But there's ways of doing that, without burning bridges. I wouldn't get into futile debates about who said what. People remember things differently. Deal with the here and now.
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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 08:12 PM
  #17
I agree. I’ll have to put on a smiling face and shut my mouth. That’s been the plan all along. But, what happened Thanksgiving and with the car was bad. While we hoped to bond better with his gf, what happened was the opposite.

We’ve all been fairly polite.

It’s not a her against me. I guess nobody gets how I am pissed how he didn’t trust and respect his parents.

He told us they were getting married! Then he and she and her parents...nobody acted like that was happening. It was all confusing and awkward. And unfortunately, his gf did not act like his SO. She stayed clear of us! We took him to buy a car, she steered clear, but then I caught him texting with her about it. Why didn’t she just come with us and act like his SO? Why the sneaky texting and distrust for us, the parents?

I’m just venting on here. I’m not going to say anything more about it. I’ll stay out of his way.

Yes, he would choose his gf over his mother. He already has. I raised a man and my job is done.

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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 08:17 PM
  #18
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I think a big issue is that you are questioning his choice of partner, and turning it into a "me vs. her" kind of battle. That is not at all fair to put your son through; he does not deserve to be put in the middle like that.

You ask if his lack of contacting you could be "her influence", I would say not at all. He is an adult and can make his own decisions. The only bad influence I see is your outright dislike of her, which is probably making your son feel very uncomfortable and keeping his distance from you. Try to think of things from his perspective. He loves you and his partner very much, and doesn't want to choose between the two. That is very rough indeed!
I’m not questioning his choice: she’s really the perfect match for him, and I am the one who spotted her and pointed her out to him as a cute girl that was his type. She’s brilliant and beautiful. He certainly could do worse.

I just don’t like their attitudes. And my son didn’t have that attitude before her. We decided it is just that they are ‘snotty milennials’. (No offense to any snotty milennials on here!, jk)

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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 08:32 PM
  #19
I am the mother of two adult sons. Both have left and they are not doing what I would have written as a script for their happily ever afters. Sometimes I don't hear from them as they get busy..jobs, kids ect. I also carry guilt about things that happened and how imperfect I was as a mother. I talk about this to my therapist and also have a couple similar aged friends who kids have also flown the coop. My younger son knows how to push my buttons and does it hurt. Sometimes I get advice before I talk to my sons and I usually try to stay supportive. Sometimes that is very, very hard to do.
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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 09:27 PM
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Life is long and the millenials have much to go through. Compare how baby boomers were in the 60's and 70's with how they are now. That generation once thought they knew it all. There is no knowing what joys and sorrows will come into the lives of your son and future daughter-in-law. But they will encounter both. And they will end up being glad of supportive parents. She may gravitate toward her family. If you blame her every time you have an issue with your son, she will dread being around you. Let every adult be fully resposible for his own behavior.

From what I've seen, grandmothers become very popular when new parents find how hard child rearing is. Young couples envision life going along smoothly. Then reality hits.

I know a happily married young couple who told me how their families operate. When they have a fight, his mother encourages him to apologize to his wife. Her mother encourages her to apologize to her husband. Those are two very smart and wise mothers. They are also very loved.

You saw your son learn to walk, then learn to read and write, etc. Now his task is to learn to make a successful marriage. Maybe he will succeed. Maybe he won't. Half of marriages fail. Be rooting for the success of this upcoming marriage. Don't worry about whether his s.o. acts the way you think she should. They have to please each other. They'll figure that out between themselves, or they won't. That's their problem, not yours. Don't burden your mind too much with what is between them. Not your problem. Be a gracious host, when they visit. Find things to complement. Be courteous. Don't take up mind reading. What people think in the privacy of their own heads is their own business.

If they are sometimes immature, realize they haven't lived as long as you have.
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