How To Raise A Son...As The Mom

I am female, the mom.

I have 2 Dd that I’m very comfortable being their mom bec well....we’re all females & I feel I have much to teach them about being a confident female. I don’t seem to doubt my parenting here.
But my youngest is 8yo male. He shows signs of anxiety which I try very hard with him to build his confidence. But I seem to have trouble I guess, relating to him bec...well he’s a male. Does this make sense?

I try to teach the same values & principles, but it’s a fine line between the 2 sexes if this makes sense & how society defines their roles. Even in school or socially like on the playground. Sometimes I feel like I am not doing him justice.

Small example.
He loves video gaming. In fact that’s really all he loves. I’ve tried other things to try to explore his interests, but keep coming up short. Sometimes I feel it’s my age. I’m 47 & feel very old trying to raise a high energy boy. I get tired. And honestly sometimes I just give up & he goes back to putting himself in front of a screen. And I feel responsible for this.

Do females feel differently trying to raise males?
Or the other way around for some others?
Thanks!

Sons, lively one moment, complete bores the next in a way. (no offense intended to the male readers/posters)
I think I have much to offer my own sons at times in terms of how to relate and value differences of interests. And what it means to compromise.
My mother/son relationships are still works in progress. They do bond to us moms, even if it doesn't feel that way some days.

I do think age has a lot to do with it. I have experienced what you have.
does he/you like cycling? Swimming? hiking? movies (including educational)? Painting? Reading? If you craft then maybe he can build stuff ...

What Im getting at is stuff that you can both enjoy - as outlets for you both.And if he does certain things at the same time (including chores, 'structure') then his reward is the game/screen later on. when you want to relax then maybe a movie, or documentary, or something instructional, comedy.

Any weekend activity camps (even half day?) At the Y/ Community centre?

I know it isn't easy!

I would not have made a great parent of a girl either. My parents dressed me in boy clothes when I was little because I was supposed to have been a boy in their minds...

Now my son is 23 and I've had lots of time to think about raising him and our relationship going forward.

He was a video game addict but seems to have broken free by spending lots of time with sketchy internet access and writes open source code for games sometimes too instead of simply playing them. For him it was a gigantic escape from the chaos of our lives and losing his father at the age of 8 to a blood cancer.

I have had a strained relationship with him and now he is at my sisters getting some tlc, his driver's license and his teeth fixed.

He was so angry so much of the time. I finally learned to pull back a bit and not engage in confrontations with him. This slowly helped over time. Try to reward small changes you want to see and refrain from criticizing unless it is really a point you want to make.

My son knows I won't kick him when he is down. That's why he still calls me when he's in serious distress.

Try to encourage daily physical activity for boys. I think this is really important to help regulate their metabolism and state of mind.

My boys weren’t interested in anything but video games, looking at youtube videos. They group chatted and played with their friends, all of them in their own houses, on the video game headsets. Even when friends came over, they played video games.

I’d suggest they do outside playing, but they didn’t like it, I didn’t force them. So I let them be total video addicts...just like their dad.

But, I took them to music lessons and they excelled in music. I’m so glad I forced them, and they later thanked me.

I always wanted to take them to Home Depot to do those projects like build a bird house. But they would laugh at me and refuse!

I’ve only had boys, no girls. We bond and they talk to me about their issues. You just have to spend time with them and be open to listening when they want to talk.

I'm wondering if this is as much as him being the youngest, like you developed a parenting style with your girls and it's a big change to have a boy? I have one son but always felt if I had another one I would have wanted another boy because I know how to go on with them lol, I was only part joking.

Maybe try video gaming with him as it's his enthusiasm, if you're anything like as bad as me at it you might earn some sympathy points - and it can be a conversation starter.

For me to this day walking with my son is still a bonding thing, you can have good 'eyes forward' conversations that way, he often opens up and unloads what's on his mind that way as Tish says you can just be there to listen and be interested in his world. Maybe factor in a purpose for the walk, a hot chocolate/ice cream mission?

I can very much relate to eyes forward conversations. I read recently some blog or article about sons and it included how car rides were often the greatest time of conversation. My previous therapist told me to keep the conversation going, as I seemed to have opened that line with my own. Topics might not always be of value, however being open and in tune with what's important to them is a start. Even if the latest release of Terraria and the xbox delay in comparison to playstations isn't the most interesting phenomena you've ever heard.

Before you know it, you are the one setting the bar for the relationship style they either find healthy or the void that they seek.

I get quizzed at which superpower I’d most like to have, and we talk about stuff like that. I think you need to indulge in those topics to build comfort with them. Then they will bring up the delicate matters like asking you to buy condoms for them so they can have sex with their gf when in 10th grade (which I said I wouldn’t, but I would give him money to buy them himself)

I'm having difficulties communicating with my son. Currently we only text. He's applying fo jobs now at my sister's, having got his teeth fixed and after spending about 5 months travelling. He got his driver's license and a resume together and is starting to get interviews.

But he's anxious and I don't know how to have a conversation with him where he engages. I asked to see his resume, he sent it and then wrote "I don't want any feedback". [It was very nice btw.]

Now he's said he doesn't want any 'suggestions or advise'. And he's tired of saying these things to me.

He's anxious about an interview on Monday. I really don't know what to do. I've run out of ideas to have conversations and he is rarely reaching out to me on text. We haven't spoken on the phone in a couple of weeks after he got out of Guatemala.

Any helpful suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I've tried asking him questions about his travels but that didn't click.

Hmmmm, try raising them without expectations regarding gender roles. This is really important. I did my best to raise my son and daughter the same. I certainly wasn't a perfect mother but I think I was successful at instilling confidence, value, and a healthy view of the world. Why are you trying to emphasize that boys and girls are different? Call me a feminist but I hate to think your are purposely instilling old world gender stereotypes. You are doing them a disservice.

I wouldn’t say I’m instilling old world gender stereotypes in any way & I know where you’re coming from.
I feel I’m raising my DD’s totally differently then how I was raised so I can’t fall back on “my mom told me” philosophy. But I feel when they are older they will still encounter the old world stereotype male & yes I do see their sex differently as does society.
But I do treat all of them the same....pretty much, try to teach them all the same values.

I can understand how a female views a male. I understand that perspective, but not the reverse. I won’t ever understand that & I do see a difference there.

I think I understand what you are saying.
I think we have to treat both the same, but understand that their ARE differences!!! ... otherwise we would all be '1-sex'

Obviously I see this differently. I discouraged male Vs female roles. Everyone was treated the same with identical expectations. Everyone had equal roles within the household. Sitting down and encouraging my son to behave in a certain fashion just because he was male never entered my mind. I honestly believe I would have been doing him a disservice. Everything from chores to instilling respect based on equality, to attitudes about sexual behaviours, to discouraging traditional values regarding gender roles was of paramount importance in raising my family. This is 2017 after all.

I do understand what you’re saying here. My children are given the same chores & expectations regardless of their sex. Taking the trash out has to be done although some chores are based on age. When the younger ones are older they will get those chores too.

I never stated that I was asking my son to behave in a certain fashion based on his sex.

What I’m trying to plainly state is that I do not comprehend the male mind because I am female. I can guess & read as much as I want, but biologically I don’t think I will ever understand it.

I was also brought up to do all kinds of chores regardless of sex (which is serving me well now - I'm no damsel in distress, now that I am alone!) But men & women are very different (think about the problems between the two . The male brain IS different. Hormonal levels are different ...

I think that chores ... RESPECT(!) should never be gender sensitive. they are what they are. There are books on the male brain, maybe that might be a good place to start.

As a professor of gender and science, I have to point out that the male and female brain are not biologically different. Any perceived “differences” are the result of cultural conditioning. Often, cultural conditioning is unconscious and we don’t “see” it because we are taught from birth to believe that men and women are different. However, it just isn’t true. Just think back to 100 years ago... in 1918, pink was the “boy” color and blue was the “girl” color. What boys and girls say they like, and how they perform their gender, is instilled by society— it doesn’t come from nature.

I find with my boys, you get what you get. They just are who they are. They like to talk about things I don’t understand at all, and I listen and nod. I sat through countless movies with battling and exploding colors that nearly gave me seizures! I just hang out with them on their terms and keep my eyes and ears open. They do speak. You just have to let it happen.

Well over the last school break I asked my kids to teach me to play Terraria. Lmao they were thrilled. It’s the one game they all play together & laugh & it can last for hrs.
My kids were excited except my son was leery bec over Xmas he tried to teach me PvZ game & I failed miserably!
This time I asked them to teach me with words. Normally I’d have trouble & they’d take the controller from my hands & fix it. I asked them not to do that for me, but talk me thru it.
I remember Atari. One joy stick & one button! Now there’s all these letters & triggers & my brain is just not fast like theirs plus they’ve been playing with these controllers for yrs.

Well, I do occasionally get asked to play now. I think it’s bec I do dumb stuff & fall down holes & get eaten by zombies. It is fun to be with them & share this. I’m just not a gamer, but I’m trying!

What I’ve noticed with my 3 kids....besides them all being so different, is how they view the word “sorry.”
My oldest won’t say it, never really has, is not empathetic & needs to be reminded to say “sorry. She’s 13yrs.
My 10yr old female is very empathetic, sensitive, but has a wide range of emotions. She’s learning that she can hurt someone with words, thinks about it & then comes back to apologize from her actions or words.
Youngest, 8yr old male, is sympathetic, empathetic, wont make eye contact, but I’ve noticed says “sorry” all the time even when it’s not needed. Gets nervous quickly & just repeats sorry sorry sorry bec he seems to worry & get nervous.
I’m sure I see things differently bec of my own MH issues & it makes me careful not to over react, but I worry about him the most.

Hopefully as he grows our bond will get closer. Guess I’m a typical parent with MH problems & constantly think I’m messing up especially when I see a bookstore shelf dedicated to a theme of “being raised with mentally ill parent(s).” I feel like I have to read it so I don’t make those mistakes, but I also feel I don’t wanto go down that rabbit hole.
I know I worry a lot.
Thanks!

PS. I’m wondering when I started this thread, after reading this again, if I was thinking about chivalry.
Do we as parents still teach chivalry bec in my research & reading some acts are now considered almost rude today. Maybe that’s what I was thinking about?
Thoughts?

It’s great that you are playing their video games with them! My kids ask me to, but I can’t concentrate and learn it. I do watch them play a little sometimes. They are having so much fun with their friends all on head sets in their own houses.

I absolutely do teach chivalry. If the girl wants to protest and be a feminist, then fine, my boys will let her. But they will always offer, open the door, pay for the date, show respect to ladies.

When my son’s friends were over last, though, I noticed, overhearing them, the girls were the ones with the potty mouths and not the boys.

Long ago, I saw an article on TV featuring a males psychiatrist who specializes in the raising of boys. He said that parents can best communicate with boys by engaging in a physical activity with them. They tend to open up emotionally during shared playtimes with a parent, and I found that to be true.

I also bought The Little Boy Book (available at Amazon) which also helped when my son was young.