[profound_betrayal]

hi,

i was just wondering if anyone had a teen who is anxious whenever meeting their dad. A parent that the teen perceives as wanting them to be perfect I am having issues re my teen's visiting his dad (btw, someone felt that dad has BPD). The fears come from not 'meeting the standards expected by dad ...' They worry about conversations where the shortcomings might come up & then what?!!! 'The visits always take place but apparently it is stressful ...

How do I reassure my child? what should I say to get them to stay calm, less fearful/anxious & not worry for the duration of the time away?

Any suggestions re reassurance? (until more can be done!) Thanks for any help

might you try reinforcing that which is positive elsewise in his life? What is your relationship like with his father? I also wonder does his father treat his custodial time as a holiday? Or is it treated as though his place is a second home. I have seen the above backfire - especially when the ex is a 'Disneyland dad'. I have seen children get anxious and tense as they feel they raise their own behavioural expectations in response. I think what is happening is the child feels they must prove they are deserving of the attention they are being given. Is this at all familiar?

Does the teen have a guidance counsellor to talk to at school perhaps? Having an encouraging person he respects in addition to yourself might be beneficial. Would you be interested in talking to the guidance counsellor yourself to get some feedback?

Maybe too it might be helpful to enroll the boy in some extra-curricular activities. This could be a positive thing to share on dad's time. Seeing the child perform a range of activities might loosen the expectations of the father.

[profound_betrayal]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

might you try reinforcing that which is positive elsewise in his life? What is your relationship like with his father? I also wonder does his father treat his custodial time as a holiday? Or is it treated as though his place is a second home. I have seen the above backfire - especially when the ex is a 'Disneyland dad'. I have seen children get anxious and tense as they feel they raise their own behavioural expectations in response. I think what is happening is the child feels they must prove they are deserving of the attention they are being given. Is this at all familiar?

Does the teen have a guidance counsellor to talk to at school perhaps? Having an encouraging person he respects in addition to yourself might be beneficial. Would you be interested in talking to the guidance counsellor yourself to get some feedback?

Maybe too it might be helpful to enroll the boy in some extra-curricular activities. This could be a positive thing to share on dad's time. Seeing the child perform a range of activities might loosen the expectations of the father.

Thanks so much for getting back justafriend.

I am trying to reinforce & my child just started with extracurricular after not being motivated for some time. School isn't going well & grades are very important to dad i think thats what started it - having to visit dad and risk whatever outcome !!??? the vacation time is laid back & activities are more relaxed as dad is busy - the home is not really a 'second home.' So the activities are laid back but the response may not be ...

my x had a crisis during which time his behaviour was similar to bpd. i am currently blamed for everything that went wrong in the relationship & his entire life. There are a lot of mommie projection issues for me to deal with. I was advised to go "no contact" due to the emotional abuse & ongoing blame, which i do find helpful.

i can't be a good parent if I am subjected to that abuse. I was beginning to suffer anxiety, & I am hoping that this is NOT what my teen is experiencing. i have very little to do with my x. He uses every opportunity to attack. i can't win or rationalize.

I will read your response again. thanks again for taking the time to respond!

[technigal]

My son took a program for anxiety called "Facing Your Fears". The parent and child books can be found online. It may help him in the long term. My son is autistic and feels that anything less than 100% is a failure. We have worked hard to let him know that we are pleased as long as he is trying. I find with my son if I let him know that we have struggles too that he copes better. Knowing that mom and dad have anxiety/worries validates that it is ok to have worries too.

You might be able to focus the anxiety into a success. My son had lots of anxiety about being good enough. I mentioned activities as this turned into a positive outlet for my own son. He discovered soccer and he discovered running - and that all of his energy positively affected his ability. He was able to turn anxiety around into a success. He still obviously worries about things but his life is still wrapped around these same activities. In fact, he made such a success of it he has managed to forge a career out of it. Basically, he found a way to turn the negative into a positive.

I truly hope the best for your own teen and that he finds a drive in something he can focus on.