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Old 10-15-2018, 09:46 AM   #1
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Default Am I too patient or not patient enough?

I have the most fantastic partner. My daughter is wonderful and my step son is like a vampire. I love him, but I am fed up with him.

My step son in his 20s. Has a sense of entitlement, a lack of consideration, he takes advantage of his mother and he is irresponsible. On top of that he is dishonest and was caught stealing from me.

However, he is kind and creative. But, I sometimes wonder if the kindness is partly manipulation.

My beef is with his lack of responsibility. He does what he wants and gets what he wants when he wants. He doesn't need to earn anything. He just gets.

I was not raised that way and I'm not raising my child that way. I find it very difficult to accept this type of behaviour. However, as far as I'm concerned it's not my place to say anything to him about it. This is the only thing that my partner and I argue about and it I don't think it's fair. A part of me gets frustrated with my partner for letting him take advantage of her. But, a bigger part of me is fed up with her son's behaviour in general. When I try to discuss this with my partner she gets very defensive with a how dare you themed response. She makes me feel horrible. She always comes around. But, I feel like I'm the only one holding up my end. Each argument ends with an apparent compromise. I say apparent, maybe I should say alleged because I am the only one that commits. I commit until I get to this point which is why I'm fed up. This is consuming me and it leaves me just wanting to be alone. That fills me with guilt because I feel like it's robbing time that I should be spending with my 12 year old daughter.

In closing, I need to say that I love my partner very much and I know she loves me the same way. She has seen and helped me at my worst and it has not scared her away. That's how I know it's true love. I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay together. My daughter loves my partner. She gives her a hug and kiss goodnight every night before bed. They say I love you to each other every night as well. My partner is absolutely not trying to replace her mother. However, my daughter lives with us full time and I'm convinced that she loves her like a mother already.

If you stuck through all of that squirrelly writing I thank you very much. It's something I just needed to get off my chest. I welcome opinions. I'm hoping to hear from fellow step parents that have gone through the same and how they worked it out. I see a lot of negative stories about being a step parent. But, I'm looking for positive advice. I've read so much about people saying get out while you can. But, I'm not throwing away something so special. No relationship is easy and I'm not afraid of the effort required to maintain a healthy relationship.

- B
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Old 10-17-2018, 03:06 PM   #2
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Default Re: Am I too patient or not patient enough?

I was the daughter in that same situation. My step-brother was horrible and got away with everything. I came to resent my step-mother for all he got away with. If I ever said anything I was trying to break up the family. My dad and step-mother apologised years later but it was too late. I now hate my step-mother and waiting for the day she dies (she is almost 89).

I really hope things work out better in your situation.

Depression diagnosed March 1996
PTSD diagnosed January 2000
BPD diagnosed September 2013
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Old 10-20-2018, 09:39 PM   #3
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Default Re: Am I too patient or not patient enough?

I've not been in such a situation, but I understand step children can be a touchy issue, and it's risky for you to say too much. How unfortunate he is allowed to be a vampire. Could your partner feel guilty for a divorce, thinking she's ruined his childhood or something?
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