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Old 12-27-2018, 06:09 AM #11
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Default Re: What Would You Do?

Though I am still sympathetic about the lies because I know he is in a desparate situation. It makes it hard to help him.
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Old 12-27-2018, 06:33 AM #12
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Wow Nowinners I needed to see this today. We are alike and different. I have 3 kids: daughter 15, daughter 18 and son 22. Husband and I are best friends and very in love and have been married for 23 years. I am an alcoholic in recovery. I was very fortunate that the throws of my alcoholism lasted a year and not years of their lives but it was a very hard year for them. (i have 6 years now) regardless I was more or less functional enough to keep it together and be a secret drinker.

For all intents and purposes our kids have very supportive, "modern" "with it" liberal parents who adore them. Last February my daughter turned 18. Never had any major issues, but all the kids seemed to get the bad mental health genes from me. She seemed to think something magical would happen when she turned 18. She turned 18 on February 17 and left home on March 23. She took the car that we owned and luckily I knew which biatch friend she was crashing with. First we went to their apartment to tow the car away and out they walk, 4 girls living the dream. We tried to get her to talk to us but she put that wall up. My husband had to stick his body in the car door to keep her from driving away. So we took the car within 4 days. I went to the apartment a few days after that and begged the mother of this girl "please send her home" and this woman said she wouldnt allow someone to live on the streets. I told her she wasnt on the streets and she wouldnt-she has a home. God only knows what this woman was told. But This woman was out of her mind and she even acknowledged that her daughter was basically wild and could not be controlled. I told her that my Becca has always had issues that border on addiction she she said "Oh yes I know that". So...WTF then?
We shut her phone off a few days after that. I would get calls from school about her being absent. Straight A student shacking up with some girl who had serious mental health issues. Doing whatever they wanted with whoever they wanted. If I told you the ages of some of the guys you wouldnt believe it. Actually you would.
Her sister was devastated. I was plotting with the school to see if they could drug test her so I could have her held somewhere.

You know what's ironic? If she lived with me and was sick for a week and I had no DR note I would get a talking to. But she can take off when she is 18 and the police couldnt do a thing. Well I am rambling here. She was drinking and using various drugs and this mother knew it and allowed it. She quit her good job. She never got to wear her brand new prom dress. A giant ***** show is what it was. In May on Mother's day she showed up on her knees on the porch. As someone in the addiction community I know these sorts of relationships do not last and she was kicked out the girls fought over someone sleeping with someone's man.

She was homeless for a day or two. Finally came home and talked about how badly she hated herself and wanted to harm herself. I had my husband take her to the psyche er. I couldnt bear it. I told her if she was serious she had to tell them these things. I told her I loved her, I adored her and would give my life for her but I didnt know if I could take anymore pain. She was 18 now and we cant speak for her. I told my husband after she got taken in the back to say goodbye until they placed her in a good hospital.

She got placed and fought tooth and nail that she had any addiction issues, even during our family sessions. LOOONNG story so I apologize. Short version is she got most of her school work done, went to Florida for rehab, came back to NJ and stayed in the rehab sponsored housing. She moved into a sober home that we helped her get into and she finally has a job but can barely afford food. I personally think she needs to stop thinking about dating but she is 18 so that thought is not far from her mind.

Since she came back into our lives its like we have to learn who she is. Who was the Becca that we knew? Who is the one we know now? Can she be trusted? We let her have the car back because if she cant get to work, she cant pay her weekly rent and none of us think she has plans of living here and we do not want her too at this point. Like it or not she developed independence even if it was bad at the start. Answering to a sober house and passing drug tests is fine, telling mom what time she will be home is a whole different game.
if I could find the right words to describe the pain of brokenness and regret that I feel for her I would. That distinct pain of knowing you f**ked up and you have no one to blame but yourself which makes it sooo much worse. I just cant describe it properly. Thank god the school was on her team because she actually earned her diploma on 12/3 but she was pushing it. To say I was broken is an understatement, and to say that I know who she is now is a lie. I dont know. I know what I want to believe. I feel like the rest of us have ptsd because of the havoc and chaos. We started seeing a family counselor right after she left and now my youngest sees her exclusively.
I am so afraid to be relaxed. I am so afraid of failure. I blame myself. I do not think i would survive that kind of pain again (and stay sober too?).
I am so sorry to have hijacked your thread. It just came bursting out and turned rather cathartic. My long winded point is that I can identify with you and your son and I hope you can with me and my daughter.
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Old 12-27-2018, 06:33 AM #13
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Default What Would You Do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nowinners View Post
Though I am still sympathetic about the lies because I know he is in a desparate situation. It makes it hard to help him.


You’re in a very tough spot. You love your son and nobody wants to see their child suffer. Doing nothing probably feels as though you’re turning your back on him. That is how it has felt to me... I agree with your husband, though. Tough as it is to accept, there isn’t much we can do about the choices our adult kids make.
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Old 12-27-2018, 07:27 AM #14
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She was homeless for a day or two. Finally came home and talked about how badly she hated herself and wanted to harm herself. I had my husband take her to the psyche er. I couldnt bear it. I told her if she was serious she had to tell them these things. I told her I loved her, I adored her and would give my life for her but I didnt know if I could take anymore pain. She was 18 now and we cant speak for her. I told my husband after she got taken in the back to say goodbye until they placed her in a good hospital.

She got placed and fought tooth and nail that she had any addiction issues, even during our family sessions. LOOONNG story so I apologize. Short version is she got most of her school work done, went to Florida for rehab, came back to NJ and stayed in the rehab sponsored housing. She moved into a sober home that we helped her get into and she finally has a job but can barely afford food. I personally think she needs to stop thinking about dating but she is 18 so that thought is not far from her mind.

Since she came back into our lives its like we have to learn who she is. Who was the Becca that we knew? Who is the one we know now? Can she be trusted? We let her have the car back because if she cant get to work, she cant pay her weekly rent and none of us think she has plans of living here and we do not want her too at this point. Like it or not she developed independence even if it was bad at the start. Answering to a sober house and passing drug tests is fine, telling mom what time she will be home is a whole different game.
if I could find the right words to describe the pain of brokenness and regret that I feel for her I would. That distinct pain of knowing you f**ked up and you have no one to blame but yourself which makes it sooo much worse. I just cant describe it properly. Thank god the school was on her team because she actually earned her diploma on 12/3 but she was pushing it. To say I was broken is an understatement, and to say that I know who she is now is a lie. I dont know. I know what I want to believe. I feel like the rest of us have ptsd because of the havoc and chaos. We started seeing a family counselor right after she left and now my youngest sees her exclusively.
I am so afraid to be relaxed. I am so afraid of failure. I blame myself. I do not think i would survive that kind of pain again (and stay sober too?).
I am so sorry to have hijacked your thread. It just came bursting out and turned rather cathartic. My long winded point is that I can identify with you and your son and I hope you can with me and my daughter.
Don't feel like you hijacked the thread. It is so painful not seeing our children live up to the potential that we and everyone else thought they had. Both our children are still young (my son is 23) so perhaps there is still hope for them. Though we can't help them if they won't help themselves or at least admit to needing some kind of help--we WILL be ready to help them when they let us.

The fact that my husband and I are finally working together more on this is an improvement though the discussions are painful and do cause discord but we have been coming together eventually. I recognize that I can't help my son alone on this. I am just too gullible. He charms the [email protected]@@ out of me. I get weak.

I will pray for you and your daughter. One thing I have trouble with is realizing that I have to put the onus on others. Once they are eighteen, if they don't want help--there is only so much you can do. I am just trying to take care of myself so that I am stable enough to help. Please take care of yourself too and post on this thread anytime you want. It is hard to talk about these things because our wayward (or mentally ill?) children and society blames us and we blame ourselves too! Try not to fear failure (though I admit my mind travels to the worst case scenario all of the time which is also bad for my entire family); they might need to fail in order to learn. My T says that in her experience--situations like mine do not change until people hit rock bottom letting them fail is their only hope.
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Old 01-29-2019, 02:34 AM #15
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I still get down because I still let my son take advantage of me--I know better but keep on letting it happen.

I have come to believe that my husband is much better at handling him than I am. I get sympathetic because he may be making the some of the choices he has made because of mental illness. It is so hard for me to know how much of his behavior is simply bad behavior verses mental illness. The weather is very cold right now and he is homeless. This is why I am currently enabling his lifestyle of playing video games all of the time and not working!

We both love him very much. I spend way too much of my time worrying about him. I have come to realize--my son is causing a lot of my stress--not my husband. If this wasn't happening with my son, would it be something else? I wonder how much of it all comes from my own problems enforcing boundaries or my own mental illness which is mostly in check right now due to all the drugs I am taking . I recognize my roll in it all and am trying to change the things I am doing wrong. I am lucky that my husband is so sympathetic about how much I struggle over this. I have changed one thing (that I was doing when my son was first kicked out nearly five years ago)--I don't hide when I am helping our son and we talk about the situation much more openly and logically.

The one good thing about the fact that he still comes to me for help is that if he does have a change of heart some day about getting a mental health diagnosis and/or when he does get a job (he gets them on and off but does not stick with them)--I will/do support him with these things.

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Old 01-31-2019, 01:22 AM #16
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It must be very tough to see your son in dire need for help, but he won't help himself or accept help from others. I think he tries to revenge by ruining his life as you said he holds grudges, because sometimes I feel the same way. I am sorry I have no advice, but I hope things will work out, and he decides to allow you to help him to get off the streets and fulfill his potentials
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Old 01-31-2019, 03:38 AM #17
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I think he tries to revenge by ruining his life as you said he holds grudges, because sometimes I feel the same way.
I am sorry you are struggling like this as well. I really do get the feeling that he is ruining his life to get revenge/because he holds a grudge. While it is painful for us--he is hurting himself even more and he has so much potential. It is not just me (mothers almost always see the best in their sons) who says this--it was his teachers and all the mothers of his friends who thought this. Trauma happened after he graduated HS which we (his parents) did contribute to and he has possibly inherited some of my tendencies. I am no longer sure I am bipolar but I do have a lot of anxiety, low level depression and maybe OCD--the drugs that I now take have helped with the anxiety/OCD. I would never want to force him to take a drug (never put my children on any kind of drugs when they were young)--just want him to start counseling and he may need a drug to help with his rumination but that is his choice. My POV is that people have to come to that conclusion on their own--drugs are not the only way to cope with ruminations and all the rest. I still talk to him and help him everyday. I will never give up on him.
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Old 01-31-2019, 04:14 AM #18
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Default Re: What Would You Do?

Did you and your son, preferably with a therapist, ever talk about his feelings about your attempt?
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Old 01-31-2019, 06:37 AM #19
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Did you and your son, preferably with a therapist, ever talk about his feelings about your attempt?
No. His new position on the subject is that he will only go to therapy as a family (his dad, sister and I go). I told him I would go with him but doubt I could convince his father (which is true--his father's position is that we were great parents). His sister wouldn't be willing to go either.

Both he and his sister believe in the views of Mad in America - Science, Psychiatry and Social Justice. They believe that I currently need psych drugs only because my body became dependent on them because the original prescription put my brain "out of balance". So he is very leery of being treated by any mental health professional.

The thing is, the fact that he wants to "fix" all of us is a symptom of his problem. Having anxiety/wanting to control things that he cannot control rather than letting it be and just concentrating on his own life.
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Old 01-31-2019, 06:50 AM #20
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No. His new position on the subject is that he will only go to therapy as a family (his dad, sister and I go). I told him I would go with him but doubt I could convince his father (which is true--his father's position is that we were great parents). His sister wouldn't be willing to go either.



Both he and his sister believe in the views of Mad in America - Science, Psychiatry and Social Justice. They believe that I currently need psych drugs only because my body became dependent on them because the original prescription put my brain "out of balance". So he is very leery of being treated by any mental health professional.



The thing is, the fact that he wants to "fix" all of us is a symptom of his problem. Having anxiety/wanting to control things that he cannot control rather than letting it be and just concentrating on his own life.


That’s the way things seem to be these days. Everybody else needs to be fixed rather than the individual. I can say I spent many years with the same attitude and eventually it all came to bite me really hard on the butt. Life has a way of doing that. I hope things are getting a bit better at least. What Would You Do?
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