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Old 01-31-2019, 07:21 AM #21
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Default Re: What Would You Do?

So heartbreaking . I keep you in my prayers.

I used to read my kids “The Runaway Bunny”. The mother tells her child how if they run away she will follow because ‘you are my bunny’.

So it’s only natural you won’t give up on him.
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Old 01-31-2019, 07:26 AM #22
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I can relate to this. I don't have children myself, but my brother has a severe case of OCD and is resisting treatment. He is 35, unable to care for himself, and lives with my parents.

Whenever he's mad at them, he tries to get revenge by saying he won't get treatment. He is only hurting himself. I'm lucky because I don't have to live with him, but I honestly don't know how my parents do it.

I'm sorry for you parents who are struggling with mentally ill adult children.
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Old 01-31-2019, 11:01 PM #23
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It seems to me that he feels he is trapped by his family; if he cannot change the family and the family doesn't comply to his wishes, then the only way is to harm himself and revenge.

The good thing is that he is still talking to you. Try to use this leverage from time to time. I hope you all find a way to solve this with no one trying to control anyone. Controlling others is harmful, and it seems central to this challenge.

Also, is it an option for him to start his life somewhere else not close? I know parents like their children to be close to them, but sometimes, it's better if they are not if they cannot get along. I know it's better for me and for my father to be away from each others. We simply cannot get along because he wants me to be someone who is not me.

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Old 02-01-2019, 03:28 AM #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Background Noise View Post
It seems to me that he feels he is trapped by his family; if he cannot change the family and the family doesn't comply to his wishes, then the only way is to harm himself and revenge.

The good thing is that he is still talking to you. Try to use this leverage from time to time. I hope you all find a way to solve this with no one trying to control anyone. Controlling others is harmful, and it seems central to this challenge.

This IS the issue. Very insightful. At times we have been too controlling but it also feels like he does this to me as well. Learned behavior?

My son is not able to be that far away at this time because he is not self sufficient at all. At times, family members have paid for school then, for a variety of reasons, it has not worked out. Lately, he has not been keeping a job. Lately, I have been hesistant to give him cash because I don't know for sure what is going on. His dad has asked for him to come up with a long term plan to be self sufficient. Though there have been times we have been too controlling (for example, insisting he enlist in the military)--I do not think it is out of line to expect a 24 year old man--who can be very charming, is intelligent, trim and muscular, fairly good looking, etc., to either keep a job or stay in school.
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Old 02-01-2019, 06:22 AM #25
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Default Re: What Would You Do?

Control IS the basis for every dysfunction IMHO.

Loving parents can say something like; ‘we are here for you to help you if you fall, but be yourself, even separate yourself from us for a while if you have to’?
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Old 02-01-2019, 06:57 AM #26
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Control IS the basis for every dysfunction IMHO.

Loving parents can say something like; ‘we are here for you to help you if you fall, but be yourself, even separate yourself from us for a while if you have to’?
I feel like none of us know how to break the cycle of dysfunction.

My mom was very controlling and I broke that cycle by going to the university that was the farthest away from home then joining the military only to marry a man who is also controlling like my mom to some extent. For all of us, the control feels anxious, defensive, and/or reactive.

Also, there is the issue of money. You know how emotional that can be. Whenever I work, I save nothing and give at least 50 percent of my earnings to our son, spend the rest on groceries while my husband is a supersaver (in his own account) and focussed on retirement (he is 62). Yes, separation is needed. I feel like I need to find a better paying job just so I can provide my son with a cash infusion big enough to allow him more seperation but hesitant because he has wasted so much money already.
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Old 02-01-2019, 01:00 PM #27
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I feel like none of us know how to break the cycle of dysfunction.

My mom was very controlling and I broke that cycle by going to the university that was the farthest away from home then joining the military only to marry a man who is also controlling like my mom to some extent. For all of us, the control feels anxious, defensive, and/or reactive.

Also, there is the issue of money. You know how emotional that can be. Whenever I work, I save nothing and give at least 50 percent of my earnings to our son, spend the rest on groceries while my husband is a supersaver (in his own account) and focussed on retirement (he is 62). Yes, separation is needed. I feel like I need to find a better paying job just so I can provide my son with a cash infusion big enough to allow him more seperation but hesitant because he has wasted so much money already.
I am just struggling today. These are my feelings, not my husband's or son's. Money is not an issue. I can ask my husband if I need money and it is legitimate. There are reasons to believe if I am just patient, things are moving in the right direction. I should just remove this entire thread! Once again, I am talking about other people in my family.
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Old 02-01-2019, 04:30 PM #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nowinners View Post
I am just struggling today. These are my feelings, not my husband's or son's. Money is not an issue. I can ask my husband if I need money and it is legitimate. There are reasons to believe if I am just patient, things are moving in the right direction. I should just remove this entire thread! Once again, I am talking about other people in my family.


Hang in there. Some days are harder than others. I hope things do keep moving in the right direction for you. What Would You Do?
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Old 02-02-2019, 04:04 AM #29
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Why do you feel the need to make more money for your son?
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Old 02-02-2019, 05:02 AM #30
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Why do you feel the need to make more money for your son?
He is homeless. He refuses to get any kind of community help because he thinks it is unhealthy/dangerous to be around homeless people. I do order him food alot. My husband/his father knows this now. His fathers position is that either he needs to get mental health treatment (which he will pay for) or if there is nothing wrong with him then he should be able to help himself. He is willing to help him financially but only when he is making good decisions.
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