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Old 04-14-2019, 06:53 AM #21
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Default Re: So Much For Any Relationship With Son

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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I am going to apologize to my on for anything I may have done that made him angry. I am going to tell him anything he does is acceptable to us, even though it deeply hurts us. We are going to get through the wedding day, pumped with meds.

So much for boundaries, I am eating the shyt sandwich. I canít bear to be estranged from my son. Though, I expect everything bad to keep happening, and this is a hopeless situation.
Can you just apologize for being upset and agree to disagree? (Respect that he wants something different than his parents do and if he is not being supported by you then that is his right. )

The situation with my son seems hopeless to me on some days but no matter what my son does, I could never bear to be estranged from him.

Don't think of it as backing down (eating a shyte sandwich)--think of it as putting your differences aside for the sake of attending his beautiful wedding. I hope you can find a way to enjoy that day somehow--get drugged if you have to. We know how much marriage changes lives, he doesn't so just let him enjoy the moment. Wasn't your marriage day a happy memory?

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Old 04-14-2019, 09:52 AM #22
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Default Re: So Much For Any Relationship With Son

We are convinced his fiancť is behind alienating us. We accept his choice and will not say anything more about it or any future choices. We can surely expect more poo flung. We will attend if they want us but our faces will look like we are at a funeral. Maybe no one will notice.

As for my wedding, funny you should mention, it was traumatic. Also not by my fault. At the time though, I got through it with only crying right before walking down the aisle.
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Old 04-14-2019, 04:45 PM #23
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Default Re: So Much For Any Relationship With Son

You are being so vague that it is hard to know how to respond.

Our adult children may go down different paths that what we expected. We raise our children in certain traditions and beliefs, but what we have to realize is that as adults they find their own paths. Those paths may be different than our own. We can respect their individuality, maintain relationship, and still maintain our own path.

If this is a case where they are literally verbally abusing you and outright being rude and disrespectful, then you can maintain your boundary and not attend the wedding. My inkling, however, is that is not what is going on here.

It sounds like your son is choosing a different path of culture and not following in the traditions you taught him. He's an adult and has the autonomy to think and believe and choose for himself. That isn't about stabbing you in the back although it may feel that way. It is about an adult coming to his own conclusions and choosing to forge his own path with someone he loves.

You can choose to alienate him and lose that relationship by taking it as a personal affront and not forgiving him for his personal decisions: this will result in an end of that relationship, no future with him or any future grandchildren, further contention and distance.

Or . . . you can value the relationship over the tradition: choose to agree to disagree on these traditions, find a place of forgiveness for his personal path, choose to maintain communication on other areas of your lives, continue to be present in their lives in order to enjoy and love him and his family as time goes on.

My husband truly lost his family, but that was a matter of physical and mental survival. They are actively physically threatening, verbally abusive, and emotionally manipulative. There was no getting around that level of betrayal. He would give anything to still have that family, but it would require they stop the abuse and that isn't ever going to happen.

I don't hear you saying your relationship with your son is that toxic. I hear you saying you don't like his choices. He's an adult. He makes his own choices. And if those choices aren't illegal, abusive, completely toxic, etc., is it possible you can move past them, celebrate his wedding with him?

Don't go and be a glum, unwilling participant. Perhaps better to not attend if that is all you can provide. Our kids want us to celebrate that day with them, not make it an occasion that we pull down because of our own anger. My daughter-in-law chose not to even let her parents know their wedding was happening because she knew her mother and father would have created unhealthy, unhappy, unloving drama in some fashion on she and my son's special day. Don't be that parent if you are going to attend. Put it aside and truly celebrate. Otherwise, stay home.
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Old 04-14-2019, 07:40 PM #24
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Default Re: So Much For Any Relationship With Son

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Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins View Post
You are being so vague that it is hard to know how to respond.

Our adult children may go down different paths that what we expected. We raise our children in certain traditions and beliefs, but what we have to realize is that as adults they find their own paths. Those paths may be different than our own. We can respect their individuality, maintain relationship, and still maintain our own path.

If this is a case where they are literally verbally abusing you and outright being rude and disrespectful, then you can maintain your boundary and not attend the wedding. My inkling, however, is that is not what is going on here.

It sounds like your son is choosing a different path of culture and not following in the traditions you taught him. He's an adult and has the autonomy to think and believe and choose for himself. That isn't about stabbing you in the back although it may feel that way. It is about an adult coming to his own conclusions and choosing to forge his own path with someone he loves.

You can choose to alienate him and lose that relationship by taking it as a personal affront and not forgiving him for his personal decisions: this will result in an end of that relationship, no future with him or any future grandchildren, further contention and distance.

Or . . . you can value the relationship over the tradition: choose to agree to disagree on these traditions, find a place of forgiveness for his personal path, choose to maintain communication on other areas of your lives, continue to be present in their lives in order to enjoy and love him and his family as time goes on.

My husband truly lost his family, but that was a matter of physical and mental survival. They are actively physically threatening, verbally abusive, and emotionally manipulative. There was no getting around that level of betrayal. He would give anything to still have that family, but it would require they stop the abuse and that isn't ever going to happen.

I don't hear you saying your relationship with your son is that toxic. I hear you saying you don't like his choices. He's an adult. He makes his own choices. And if those choices aren't illegal, abusive, completely toxic, etc., is it possible you can move past them, celebrate his wedding with him?

Don't go and be a glum, unwilling participant. Perhaps better to not attend if that is all you can provide. Our kids want us to celebrate that day with them, not make it an occasion that we pull down because of our own anger. My daughter-in-law chose not to even let her parents know their wedding was happening because she knew her mother and father would have created unhealthy, unhappy, unloving drama in some fashion on she and my son's special day. Don't be that parent if you are going to attend. Put it aside and truly celebrate. Otherwise, stay home.
Itís funny to me that you decided to speculate and judge me harshly for whatever scenario you presume this is. Especially since I asked for no one to do that to me here regarding MY FEELINGS and VALUES.

I wonít post any more and antagonize anyone.

Iím requesting this thread be closed. Please no more posts.

The situation with my son has been handled well by all. We are still a loving family.
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Old 04-14-2019, 07:54 PM #25
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Default Re: So Much For Any Relationship With Son

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