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Old 04-20-2019, 05:55 AM #1
star68 star68 is offline
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Default Advise about relationship with daughter

Hi everyone,

I hope someone can offer some advise.

My daughter is in her early 20's she has always been a very loving, dedicated student, never had any trouble with in her, we were always very connected and understood each others feelings very well. My mother was a big part of our lives too, and when she died two years ago we were deeply affected by it.

I year after my mother died I moved with my family to another country. My daughter started to use a dating site and met her first ever proper boyfriend. They lasted 6 months and straight away she went back to the dating site and met someone else. This someone else has brought trouble since the early stages of her relationship with him. He almost became homeless twice, he changes jobs often, always ends up with no money I don't like him and my relationship with my daughter has changed tremendously. We are constantly arguing, she doesn't listen to my advice, she has little work despise having a degree, she lost her ambition to achieve a good job, and she doesn't accomplish her responsibilities at home.

I feel like a monster because I am constantly telling her off, and I feel like I am a control freak of a mother, but all I want is for her to realize that she's in the wrong relationship, that the guy is plainly lazy, and he's not a good influence for her. She keeps telling me if he has trouble keeping jobs and running out of money it's totally his responsibility not hers, but I want to make her understand that if she really loves him she should at least advice him and guide him if she would like some kind of future with him.

She seems very indifferent about my advise, she keeps apologizing , because she has become very unreliable, but nothing seems to improve much. She is due to start a full time job in May so hopefully things will improve.
He's out of work at the moment and rents a room in his mother's house where he lives with other tenants, his mother lives abroad. He only moved to his mother's house recently, he didn't trust him enough before that but she is giving him another chance but he's spoiling it already. There is another spare room in the house that the mother told him not to rent and he's secretly renting it and getting an income from it so he's not in a rush to look for work. I tell my daughter that if this isn't enough prove that he's not a genuine guy, what is, but she doesn't seem to care much about it.

I just can't detach from this situation because I expected my daughter to be a bit more selective with boyfriends and I keep hoping that something will make her realize that he's not suitable for her, but nothing seems to put her off going out with him.

Has anybody gone through same or similar experience with their daughter or son? How did you deal with it? Thank you.
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Old 04-20-2019, 10:10 AM #2
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Default Re: Advise about relationship with daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by star68 View Post
I year after my mother died I moved with my family to another country. My daughter started to use a dating site and met her first ever proper boyfriend. They lasted 6 months and straight away she went back to the dating site and met someone else. This someone else has brought trouble since the early stages of her relationship with him. He almost became homeless twice, he changes jobs often, always ends up with no money I don't like him and my relationship with my daughter has changed tremendously. We are constantly arguing, she doesn't listen to my advice, she has little work despise having a degree, she lost her ambition to achieve a good job, and she doesn't accomplish her responsibilities at home.
Ah yes the joys of having a milenial daughter- I too have my own. When you say she has little work, do you mean a small part time job? Is she able to support herself? Is the job unrelated to her degree? Has all this happened since the boyfriend?
Quote:
I feel like a monster because I am constantly telling her off, and I feel like I am a control freak of a mother, but all I want is for her to realize that she's in the wrong relationship, that the guy is plainly lazy, and he's not a good influence for her. She keeps telling me if he has trouble keeping jobs and running out of money it's totally his responsibility not hers, but I want to make her understand that if she really loves him she should at least advice him and guide him if she would like some kind of future with him.
No matter how hard it is you are going to have to let this play out. No amount of fighting can make her change her mind and in many cases it pushes the person towards the person you want them most away from. She may have already given him advice and like she isnt listening to you, he isnt listening to her. Does she live with you and pay rent or otherwise contribute to the household expenses? Are there rules you feel she doesnt abide by? What kind of responsibilities does she have at home? If there are specific things you two agreed she would do and she isnt doing them- are there any sort of consequences for that? What did you both decide would happen if she didnt hold up her end of the bargain?
Quote:
She seems very indifferent about my advise, she keeps apologizing , because she has become very unreliable, but nothing seems to improve much. She is due to start a full time job in May so hopefully things will improve.
He's out of work at the moment and rents a room in his mother's house where he lives with other tenants, his mother lives abroad. He only moved to his mother's house recently, he didn't trust him enough before that but she is giving him another chance but he's spoiling it already. There is another spare room in the house that the mother told him not to rent and he's secretly renting it and getting an income from it so he's not in a rush to look for work. I tell my daughter that if this isn't enough prove that he's not a genuine guy, what is, but she doesn't seem to care much about it.
I do not mean to be disrespectful but what he does isn't your concern. Of course your concern is your daughter but if she is willing to tolerate it then there is not much you can do. How important is having peace to you? Are you happy always fighting? I get it- he would not be someone I would want my daughter to be with but I am unclear as to what your expectations are.

Quote:
I just can't detach from this situation because I expected my daughter to be a bit more selective with boyfriends and I keep hoping that something will make her realize that he's not suitable for her, but nothing seems to put her off going out with him.
I'd like to reiterate that its possible you protesting her choice so often will make him more desirable. She needs to value herself enough to select an equal partner- you cant create that value for her.
Quote:
Has anybody gone through same or similar experience with their daughter or son? How did you deal with it? Thank you.
My daughter manages to have dated losers. I do not know where her self worth comes from. Her dad and I are very much in love and value each other and have been married for 23 years so we didnt model that type of relationship. I have tolerated her past boyfriends- not welcomed them into the family, not spending much time with the two of them together but aside from specific things she brought up to me, I said mostly nothing about the boyfriends. In fact when I protested a lot over one of them, it made her want to be out with him more so she was ignoring my advice anyway but things were very stressful. She lived with us, so there were rules (she was still in HS) and if she was late coming home or didnt call or text then she would lose the use of the car or phone. So she abided by the rules. She barely did the things in the house she was supposed to but when she didnt, the next time she asked me for something-like say new sneakers- I told her that I wouldnt be providing them for her because she wasnt holding up her end of the deal. Sometimes we have to let our kids fail and make sh*tty choices and be at the ready when they get hurt and need our support. My whole bit of advice her does not apply if she is being abused though- that is never ok and the one time we thought it was possibly happening? Well we put an end to that. It really sucks watching them make mistakes but she is an adult and will do her own thing. If you have rules you have to hold her to them. But she isnt required to take your advice.
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