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Old 07-31-2020, 09:35 PM   #31
TishaBuv
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Default Re: Help with 20 yo daughter

Since itís gotten to this point and sheís now an adult, itís too late for the parenting that would have normally happened starting a long time ago. Your husband wasnít united with you and she became unmanageable. There must have been a lot of issues between your marriage that contributed to her lack of discipline. But whatís done is behind you, so donít beat yourself up. At this point, you are having to get through a pandemic with an adult daughter in your house being a toxic drain on you.

After life gets back to normal, you can get her to move out, change the locks, and donít let her back in. Iím sorry and know how heartbreaking this must be for you. Prayers for maybe she will grow up and become a much better person someday soon. 21 is still quite young.
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Old 08-01-2020, 04:04 AM   #32
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Default Re: Help with 20 yo daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
.....You are allowing her to act like your equal. Thatís one thing you can definitely change no matter what is her real issue. Donít engage with her if she throws your transgressions in your face. Sheís just trying to deflect her bad behavior.

Canít you and your husband unite....
Rebecca,

I like Tisha's advice throughout this thread.

My husband and I are still supporting both our son and daughter in their 20's because I did not follow the above advice during their teen years and early 20's but we are united now and they are much more respectful, helpful, etc.

Parenting is hard work. Maintaining a house requires significant financial resources. You deserve respect for what you are doing for her.
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Old 08-01-2020, 08:08 AM   #33
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Default Re: Help with 20 yo daughter

During my walk this morning, I was thinking about this thread. I agree with Divine that we have to be careful about diagnosing others. For example, in my case, I also had bad boundaries and was too enmeshed in their emotions. They basically could easily find blame with their parents rather than take responsibility. This was my fault because they are good kids with problems and weaknesses like all of us but I had put them on a unrealistic pedelstal which must have been quite confusing. There were times I rescued them from their own mistakes which I did out of emotional love for them. We want our children to be loved but in my case I have to be careful not to let high emotions cause me to make the situation worse. In these family drama's, many times, everyone made mistakes so it is important to eventually learn to forgive ourselves and each other and move on. She is only 21 so she has a lot to learn and IMO the best thing we can do in addition to having simple boundaries is just to let them go and advise them less. We have to remember, that they are adults and how sweet their life is is mostly up to them.

PS. Perhaps you will be able to eventually relate to the YouTube video on this thread: Twelve Precious Truths a Wayward Child Can Teach Us
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Old 08-01-2020, 08:48 AM   #34
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Default Re: Help with 20 yo daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Since itís gotten to this point and sheís now an adult, itís too late for the parenting that would have normally happened starting a long time ago. Your husband wasnít united with you and she became unmanageable. There must have been a lot of issues between your marriage that contributed to her lack of discipline. But whatís done is behind you, so donít beat yourself up. At this point, you are having to get through a pandemic with an adult daughter in your house being a toxic drain on you.

After life gets back to normal, you can get her to move out, change the locks, and donít let her back in. Iím sorry and know how heartbreaking this must be for you. Prayers for maybe she will grow up and become a much better person someday soon. 21 is still quite young.
Thank you!
Yes, it is heartbreaking as I have no relationship with her. I truly believe she doesnít love me or her father. (Iím not saying that to sound pathetic. Itís a true belief). I agree with everything you have said and that is at this point I donít see a way back unless she gets older and thinks god I only have one mom and dad and they did their best and comes back to us. But as it is itís simply not manageable. Because Iím just writing posts, thereís a load more I havenít even told you all. These include compulsive lying (and lying about something that is totally obvious sheís lying donut but she says it like itís the absolute truth) and loads of other stuff thatís happened. If I had written it all down Iíd have a book. But I do need her out which is likely not be until October/November. Iíll have to hang on and stay sane.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
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Old 08-01-2020, 08:55 AM   #35
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Rebecca,

I like Tisha's advice throughout this thread.

My husband and I are still supporting both our son and daughter in their 20's because I did not follow the above advice during their teen years and early 20's but we are united now and they are much more respectful, helpful, etc.

Parenting is hard work. Maintaining a house requires significant financial resources. You deserve respect for what you are doing for her.
Thanks for this. Sadly, for me I donít think we will ever be united as to how to deal with her so sadly thatís not going to happen in our case. For example, she leaves a mess everywhere. As we speak she has dishes left on my dining room table including a bowl with food still in it. I also just cleaned 2 trays that she had used. Yet she would argue to the moon and back that she does dishes including mine. Anyway, the point is Iím desperate to tell her to get the dining room table cleared except I have stopped making requests of her as it leads to a huge fight so Iíll ask my husband to ask her to do it, but if I donít ask him he just walks past the dishes and it doesnít bother him. Also, my opinion is to show a united front, he should have said to her that he heard she called me a cheating wóó and told her that level of disrespect will not be tolerated. I think because he didnít address that with her she thinks he thinks it was acceptable. Itís a huge mess. I think Iíve reached the conclusion I just need her out because we barely speak. Itís horrible. And my heart hurts but I dint think itís fixable. Sheís had a normal life. Sheís just always resented any kind of authority and refused to accept it. I remember saying to her but we are your parents. Other parents also tell their children to do their homework or to clean up etc. but she would lose her mind if asked to do those things. We went through 2 years of therapy once a week and that didnít help either! I feel like I tried! Ugh. Sorry. Iíll stop typing now but thank you for replying to me.
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Old 08-01-2020, 09:06 AM   #36
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Default Re: Help with 20 yo daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
During my walk this morning, I was thinking about this thread. I agree with Divine that we have to be careful about diagnosing others. For example, in my case, I also had bad boundaries and was too enmeshed in their emotions. They basically could easily find blame with their parents rather than take responsibility. This was my fault because they are good kids with problems and weaknesses like all of us but I had put them on a unrealistic pedelstal which must have been quite confusing. There were times I rescued them from their own mistakes which I did out of emotional love for them. We want our children to be loved but in my case I have to be careful not to let high emotions cause me to make the situation worse. In these family drama's, many times, everyone made mistakes so it is important to eventually learn to forgive ourselves and each other and move on. She is only 21 so she has a lot to learn and IMO the best thing we can do in addition to having simple boundaries is just to let them go and advise them less. We have to remember, that they are adults and how sweet their life is is mostly up to them.

PS. Perhaps you will be able to eventually relate to the YouTube video on this thread: Twelve Precious Truths a Wayward Child Can Teach Us
Hello!
Thank you for this.
I want to just let you know that I do not advise her any more at all. After years of terrible fights with her etc my M.O. now is to co-exist in this house with her. I do not approach her to talk unless she comes to me first. As for diagnosing her thatís a hard one. For a long time when she was young I just thought ok her behavior is challenging and we need to work out how to do this to help her. As the years passed and it got worse and of course we want her to make good choices and be successful we sought out help. The first doctor ever to say anything said she had ODD and thatís why she hated being asked to do anything. Then later we dealt with her taking an OD and ending up being committed. I mean we are talking serious stuff. We thought therapy would help (not just her but also us as parents to know how to react to her and help rather than make it worse) but nothing she said helped. It doesnít matter about a diagnosis but Iím on here because my 21 year old hates me and can turn very nasty and vicious. Iím asking if thereís anything I can do. Iím not asking anyone to diagnose her and nor am I trying to. Iím trying to describe her behavior. And itís absolutely not normal. Iíve tried and tried and tried with her for years and years and now Iím just ground down with it.
Iím probably not explaining it too well but itís hard because this is not a new thing or me interfering in her life now sheís an adult. Iíve been struggling with this since she was very young and I guess I feel bad because after everything we tried none of it helped.
And it may be wrong of me but I would never in a million years have said the things she says to me to my mum no matter how mad I was. She can be cruel imo bottom line I need her to move out and maybe in a few years she will mellow.
I will watch that video thanks for lining it!
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Old 08-01-2020, 09:11 AM   #37
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Thanks for this. Sadly, for me I donít think we will ever be united as to how to deal with her so sadly thatís not going to happen in our case. For example, she leaves a mess everywhere. As we speak she has dishes left on my dining room table including a bowl with food still in it. I also just cleaned 2 trays that she had used. Yet she would argue to the moon and back that she does dishes including mine. Anyway, the point is Iím desperate to tell her to get the dining room table cleared except I have stopped making requests of her as it leads to a huge fight so Iíll ask my husband to ask her to do it, but if I donít ask him he just walks past the dishes and it doesnít bother him. Also, my opinion is to show a united front, he should have said to her that he heard she called me a cheating wóó and told her that level of disrespect will not be tolerated. I think because he didnít address that with her she thinks he thinks it was acceptable. Itís a huge mess. I think Iíve reached the conclusion I just need her out because we barely speak. Itís horrible. And my heart hurts but I dint think itís fixable. Sheís had a normal life. Sheís just always resented any kind of authority and refused to accept it. I remember saying to her but we are your parents. Other parents also tell their children to do their homework or to clean up etc. but she would lose her mind if asked to do those things. We went through 2 years of therapy once a week and that didnít help either! I feel like I tried! Ugh. Sorry. Iíll stop typing now but thank you for replying to me.
No need to say sorry because no one has to read. BTW--I have a habit of saying sorry way too much.

I do not have a perfect family (perhaps that is a myth?) but I truly believe that things are only improving for our children because my relationship with my husband which had got off track at some point in the marriage is so much better now. And your daughter might also need assistance from a psychiatrist or therapist but she can only be forced if she is a danger or left to deal with it on her own when she doesn't listen. IMO, it is important to not put our children before our spouses. I also have had to learn to not worry about upsetting other people. I had to learn to stand up for myself when my husband got upset at me--only then did I become strong enough for us to work many things out. I also had to learn to appreciate all his sacrifices for us more! It is not hopeless! Hang in there!
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Old 08-01-2020, 09:37 AM   #38
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I want to just let you know that I do not advise her any more at all. After years of terrible fights with her etc my M.O. now is to co-exist in this house with her. .....and can turn very nasty and vicious.
It does sound awful but you should not have to coexist because it is your house and your husband should be backing you up when she turns nasty and vicious. Is it vicious enough to call the police? You might both have to formally warn her in writing that she will be thrown out on a certain date if she has over the top behaviors that don't change. I thought my situation was hopeless, but it is getting better because my H and I are more united. There are also mental health issues in the mix but that too can be improved with the right help. My recommendation is to talk to him openly about everything. Try not to go over past mistakes, focus on the now. If you are not in agreement then, sadly, things probably won't work out as well.

And I assume our situations aren't exactly alike but I also had to get help for my anxiety, depression and perhaps bipolar 2--I do find that I am a lot more level headed on the medications I am now taking. Don't want to diagnose anyone in your family because I feel like MI diagnosis are tricky because you have to figure out how much is behavior verses personality verses chemical ups and downs that meds can help with. If you are not getting cooperation, all you can do is focus on you and maintain strong boundaries.

Last edited by TunedOut; 08-01-2020 at 10:02 AM..
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Old 08-01-2020, 10:23 AM   #39
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Default Re: Help with 20 yo daughter

Honestly even the best parent/child relationships go downhill when everyone lives together. I get along with my daughter only because we donít live together and never never did since she became an adult. If we lived together weíd have bunch of issues because we are both a pain in a neck. Lol We visit each other on each otherís locations and the most we stay is 2 weeks. No desire to live together

I never lived with my parents after age 19. I understand not making enough but thatís what roommates are for.

She needs to leave. Go live with a boyfriend or roommates.
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Old 08-01-2020, 11:46 AM   #40
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Default Re: Help with 20 yo daughter

Thereís definitely something going on with her behavior and authority defiance which has been on-going and chronic. How did she do in school? Is she in college?

Thereís also something going on between you and your husband in that he didnít pipe up when she called you vile names bringing up a very personal marital issue. I presume you worked that issue out with him and heís moved on from it. His silence here is strange. Do you have conversations with him about that? Where is the disconnect where you two are not united as parents of her? This is an important discussion between you and him.

I also worry in these situations how violent it could get. Itís better to be safe and wait out getting her out and somewhere else when the time comes.

If you donít feel any love from her, I believe you that there isnít any love from her. I hope she does grow up and realize her parents have value and shows love. It can happen. It can also go the other way and she could become a really bad person committing crimes. Itís really scary and thatís not your fault as parents. No one is perfect and you are very good parents, even if for just the fact you are keeping her fed and sheltered right now proves it. She may have a diagnosable issue, she may be able to get help but she has to want it, she may just mature on her own in time.
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