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Old 10-27-2019, 05:16 AM   #1
sarahsweets
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Default My 19 year old is pregnant AGAIN-on purpose-and my life has been turned upside down!

This is very long and very important and private.

So this was the original thread from July:

(My 19 year old troubled daughter was pregnant- and it would have been terrible.)
And I really thought we had made it to sanitiy. How wrong I was.

She is still with this immature, hardly equipped underachieving guy who is nice enough but not ready to handle fatherhood. They left their apartment(actually a rented room after voluntarily leaving sober living) and have been staying with his mother saving up for a place.

{as an aside three weeks ago I saw a self started gofundme requesting donations to afford a new place and they had a roommate lined up. I was mortified. They said they left the rented room because their roommate was a drug addict that they only just learned about. I call BS. Oh and did I mention that someone gave her two kittens and she took them in? I think the roommate didn't like that and that is why they left. She lost the call center job (her like 14th job) probably because they had to stay an hour away at his mothers. She didnt tell me any of this until she was already living there}

3 weeks ago I had a dream I was strapping my granddaughter into a carseat and woke up sick to my stomach. Since the first scare all of us were on her about birth control- she used to have the implant and it expired, so they deliberately did this. It was an actual choice. Last friday she needed a ride to her doc appointment and her dad is trying to fix her car because she took a turn too fast and smacked a tree. He took her. I knew then something was up. I kept asking her if she needed to tell me anything. When she got back I asked how it went rather- I asked her if the doctor confirmed she was pregnant. She actually looked shocked for a hot minute but I can always tell when she is lying or has something going on. She is 10 weeks along.
In her heart of hearts she knows this relationship is not a forever thing. She knows that she will be legally tied to him forever. She barely graduated HS and had to go to rehab and sober living where she was actually doing well at. I was remarkably calm and didn't tell anyone for a few days. Then I told my husband who had his heart broken again, her siblings who are upset and my mother who is so angry because of how this will impact my life. My husband is superman. We worked yesterday for 6 hours. Her car failed emissions inspection so he put in the new Cat last week. She needed a new fan, radiatior and some other thing because of the accident. All she needs replaced are new front seatbelts. The airbags are trash. they were removed and the wheel was patched.

I am not a selfish person but I am 44 and finally at a point where I can think about doing something for me- like a career that involves my degree. And now we will be grandparents in May because she selfishly wants a baby, I guess to unconditionally love her. Even as a little girl she always said she wanted to be a mom when she grew up. I always told her that yes, being a mom is important but you should have something for yourself and can be a mom as well. ( I stayed home with my kids starting when she was 3 because of them but mostly because of my mental health and had to go on disability)
They had no jobs because of course he lost his with her.They have no money. His mother lives north of us. While the car has been out of commision they have had to take mass transit which sucks in NJ and they had to take three transfers. They took jobs at the amazon warehouse night shift 6-430am which is 15 minutes from me. One night they asked if I could pick them up and they could stay with us and get dropped off the next night for their shifts. That was Wed. She is PREGNANT. She fainted at work Thurs so we went and picked her up. I told her she could come here but I was not picking him up and he could not stay with us. Luckily they had his mom slated to pick them up that morning so he had a ride back.
She asked for a hug and cried she didnt know what she was doing. She showed me the ultrasound and saw a heartbeat. So I have to accept that there is a baby coming.

Ultimately we as a family and her as someone who left home by running away just aren't suited to living together. She always wanted no accountability. She does not want to live with us. She had to stay with us for three weeks between sober houses a year ago and we almost killed each other so I know she does not want that. But she might change once she has a crying baby.
I can't tell someone to have an abortion. But if she asked me to help her get one I would and that makes me sound like a horrible person. She has no education and is about to ask amazon if they can give her something less physical to do but there are no guarantees- she literally has worked 4 days there. I took them to look at two apartments in town that first day they stayed here because their pipe dreams of this gofundme-funded townhouse with the mysterious roommate were not going to happen. I cant stand the boyfriend. Everytime they spoke on the phone they argued. He is insecure and they are codependent.

And what are we supposed to do? None of this is the baby's fault. The baby didnt choose this. If she has this baby we are not heartless and believe me, this guys' dysfunctional house is not where you want a grandchild living. There are like a million people living there she hates it but she knows we are not housing her boyfriend so she chooses this.
We would not allow our grandbaby to suffer. But how can we not enable her and protect the baby that she selfishly is choosing to have? She needs an actual address so she can apply for all the social services in my county. I have experience helping other women get medicaid welfare and such in my county but no where else. So if she wants my house she needs to prove she lives in my county. I will not allow her to use my address because its fraud and they will want to know how she affords it and then our income and my business is open for discussion and I do not need services. Our insurance will cover my kids and adopted kids but not grandchildren. So she will have prenatal care but once the baby is out their obligation is done.
She has managed to consume me again.

I am projecting scenarios left and right and go back and forth between acceptance and anger, sadness, depression, worry. The other day I got so angry when I was alone that I cried hysterically. Just angry crying, WTF? My mind is a hamster wheel. And you all know what a nazi sleep schedule I keep but I was up all Friday, friday night and went to bed at 930 last night and finally slept through the night with no nightmares.
I do not want to resent my daughter or grandchild but how can I possibly be happy for an actual deliberate choice to get pregnant. Sure, she says they didnt just one night decide to go for it, but it happened. She lost the first one ( which I also believe was on purpose) they never followed up or took any precaution which is the same to me as choosing. I mean the timeline....lose the baby, 10 weeks pregnant its literally right after. If you have unprotected sex its extremely likely you will get pregnant. A choice. And we have to guide her to... what? Not be with the guy, be with the guy, have the baby, live here,live somewhere else I am truly so upset and at a loss. March 23 it will be two years since she ran away and the entire fracture in our family began. I have had her up my butt. We talked. She knows he is not really meant for her. She knows he is ridiculous. I told her they cant count on her income because in 6 months she will be unable to work so he needs a second job. I felt like I was getting through to her. Last night because he got the car running she picked him up from the train station and took him to work. She was supposed to talk to amazon about herself and meet up with her old girlfriends for a sober party which I was 100% behind, she needs opinions that are not ours or his. She got there and was supposed to come back here, sleep and pick him up and go back to the moms and I wanted her to have the car so she has a way to leave if she chooses to. But now that the car is fixed its back to fairytail land. She still needs to get it reinspected.
But I woke up to a text this morning.. She had to go pick him up halfway through his shift because he got sick and went back to his mothers' place. Oh and when she had to stay home the day after she fainted did I mention that he called out also? He had money to get to work but no way to get from work and I told her he couldnt come to our house. So he didnt try anything else just called out. So he has missed 1.5 days of his week old job.
I want her to leave him but then what? I dont want her here. But I dont want a baby to suffer. I am so angry. And my mom is so upset with her and so worried that I am going to get dragged through the mud with her that when she talks to me shes really wound up. I havent filled her in on things because yesterday was so busy. I called the family therapist and she is going to get me in by wed. I need an objective person to give me opinions on how to deal with this and not get manipulated or enabled, how to handle the reactions of extended family. How to just be me. I am cracking up I swear. I have my surgeries done. I had to stop my first shot at an intro to teaching class a year ago when my son had a stroke. Then started paperwork for substitute teaching. Then surgeries. There is no telling if I can even do that now because its very involved. I am so overwhelmed and appreciate advice and comments (be kind at least) and any support or experiences you all can share.
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Old 10-27-2019, 05:38 AM   #2
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Default Re: My 19 year old is pregnant AGAIN-on purpose-and my life has been turned upside do



Concerning my family's problems--my dad turns 80 this year and my mother-in-law has been in her 80s for a while. In our opinion, they just can't handle the stress of some of the things that have gone on with one of our children so we don't tell them anymore. When they ask, we tell them a limited amount. They love all their grandkids and worry about them. My dad and mother-in-law have done so much for their families that they deserve a break. Is your daughter in contact with your mother? If she isn't, I would shield her from as much of the drama as you can.

Also--do you have siblings? At this point in my life, I confide what is going on with my siblings rather than my dad. They have tried to help but we can't help our kids unless they start making better decisions. My siblings have encouraged me and helped me see that it was not my fault or responsibility but I understand how a baby brings a different dynamic. Babies are innocent and need protection. A very hard situation.

I am sorry.

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Old 10-27-2019, 12:31 PM   #3
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Default Re: My 19 year old is pregnant AGAIN-on purpose-and my life has been turned upside do

I was just thinking as I was cooking lunch that though I understand all the anxiety you have expressed and I would feel many of the same things you are feeling if I was in your situation (I have a lot of anxiety)--maybe the child will be a blessing. Children bring a lot of love and positivity into our lives.
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Old 10-28-2019, 02:12 PM   #4
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Default Re: My 19 year old is pregnant AGAIN-on purpose-and my life has been turned upside do

Is it ok if I pm you later?
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Old 10-28-2019, 04:05 PM   #5
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Default Re: My 19 year old is pregnant AGAIN-on purpose-and my life has been turned upside do

I would suggest you go ahead with your plans with teaching. She keeps doing this type of behavior and could continue doing It indefinitely.You cant stop living your own life to clean up after her,over and over, grandchild or not. Worst case scenario, at some point, you take custody agreed upon with her and get lived in help. Or go cold turkey and let them tough it out.
They might do this again and again. You could report them to child services if it bothers you too much.
My son said to me this week regarding my ex acting oblivious about health care issues: stop enabling him. There must be some balance involved,but it really made me think. You know all those rules. What will allow you a life?
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Old 10-29-2019, 04:20 AM   #6
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Default Re: My 19 year old is pregnant AGAIN-on purpose-and my life has been turned upside do

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Old 10-29-2019, 10:02 AM   #7
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Default Re: My 19 year old is pregnant AGAIN-on purpose-and my life has been turned upside do

This is a complicated situation. Hopefully the therapist can help. Maybe you can get your daughter in to see her too. Shes not using good judgment to say the least.

Its clear you love her very much and will most likely do all you can to help her. Shes only 19. Its really hard to turn your back to give tough love at this still really young age, and shes dealing with addiction problems.

Just to lighten it all up a little for you, me, and TunedOut, see meme attached:
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Old 11-05-2019, 04:20 PM   #8
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Default Re: My 19 year old is pregnant AGAIN-on purpose-and my life has been turned upside do

I wish I could think of some sort of amazingly helpful thoughts. But all that comes to my mind is that if every baby born was born into an ideal situation, there wouldn't be very many people on earth. Your grandchild might actually motivate your daughter to be more emotionally mature. I have seen it happen to young women a number of times - I could hardly believe it, but there it was.

As for the father, well...I have seen slackers become terrific dads - and I have seen the opposite.

If you can, try to allow this pregnancy to be hers, be her responsibility. I know how very difficult that can be (I have a daughter, 34, and a son, 31 - neither plan on having children and I desperately want a grandchild, only their careers...oh, the irony...).

Do bear in mind that you will most likely fall in love with that baby when it is born. A new baby, in my experience, always brings new hope and wonderment.
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Old 11-09-2019, 03:58 AM   #9
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Default Re: My 19 year old is pregnant AGAIN-on purpose-and my life has been turned upside do

They applied for an apartment around here. I knew they could not afford the 1400 rent. They actually had the audacity to mention a cosigner-um no. They applied for a cheaper one bedroom and were approved. This one is 975 a month. I think they might pull it off. I went into the goodwill yesterday and saw all sorts of things they could use for their apartment, and I told my daughter that all they needed right now was cooking things a bed and some folding chairs, Baby stuff is available on fb market-place. I hope I am not enabling but its my grandchild we are talking about. Monday she will be 12 weeks pregnant. I made her tell her grandparents and they were not happy. My MIL is catholic and thinks she should give the baby up. Hubby and I do not agree with that, just knowing we would have a grandchild out there would kill us and I think she would spiral out of control.
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