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denmother
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Default Jun 29, 2008 at 05:33 PM
  #1
My son is 14 and suffers from depression, low self esteem and social anxiety. He used to have several close friends but as they got older they drifted away and made other friends. My son makes no effort to call anyone or make new friends and when he gets a rare call from a kid to hang out he declines. He is an only child so he's used to playing alone but I worry. He has made comments about how he hates himself, hates his life, etc. I don't know if he thinks about suicide but he had mentioned it several times in the past, no plan -just tries to scare me I think. He's just starting puberty, a late bloomer compared to alot of kids his age.

I know this kid belongs in therapy but he won't go. We've tried and he just won't cooperate with the therapists. He had a psychiatrist who prescribed zoloft, he took it for 2 yrs but it didn't help so we stopped. I just hope its something he will eventually grow out of as he matures. His depression is affecting his grades, he doesn't care about school, doesn't see the point in anything. It's like he feels life has no meaning.

Can someone help me decide what to do with him, any suggestions would be appreciated. He starts 9th grade in Sept. and I'm afraid for him. Thanks for listening.
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Default Jun 29, 2008 at 07:02 PM
  #2
If you can get him to try once again, reinforcing the idea of not giving up, a psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapist. would be able to help him with maturity / developmental issues. It is a different kind of therapy, one that doesn't give homework or suggest thinking differently. The focus is on being rather than doing. The relationship is one of acceptance, non-judgmental listening, just talking about anything that is on his mind at the time of the session. If he has had behavioral therapists before, this would be and would feel much different (in my experienced opinion).

It's good he can express that he can express his feelings. Life having no meaning is one of the main reasons any of us get into therapy My teenage son has no friends. To feel better is a valid goal and good things can follow.

He doesn't have to agree to cooperate. The therapist can handle that issue once he's there. I hope he can be encouraged to try therapy again so he can feel better about himself.
And so you can feel better too!
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Default Jun 29, 2008 at 07:07 PM
  #3
I don't know if it's to late or not; but this is why I think it's so important to have children involved in sports, it keeps them involved and around children they'll grow up with and hopefully stay friends with. My suggestion would be to try to sign him up for something and don't give him a choice except for what he wants to sign up for. Is he interested in art, music any kind of sport maybe even computers or gaming? My children don't have a choice they will play a fall and spring sport. I have an 11 year old and has been in sports since he was five. I don't think it's too late for your son, you can use high school as a fresh start, there are lots of clubs he could join. I know it's easier said then done especially coming from someone who does not have teenagers. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this, teens seem to have it so ruff these days. I'm sure your first thought would be put him in therapy which may work for some people but I think it would make some kids feel like even more of a freak like there is something wrong with them. I was never a fan of medicating children. I'm sure some really do need it. When my 11 year old was in 1st and 2nd grade they thought he had ADD, I explored every option and considered medication as a last resort. He is now going into fifth grade and he made principals list three parking periods last year and I never put him on medication. My four year old is a whole other story!

This is just an oppinion not medical advice at all, so please if you think he's suicidal or truly has phycalogical problems take him to a crisist center, if you can't get him to go you can call an ambulance.

Sorry for the lengthy response! The best of luck to you and your son!

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Default Jun 30, 2008 at 12:09 PM
  #4
I am sorry to hear your son is suffering. My suggestion is to get an appointment with a qualified child Psychologist for an evaluation ASAP. The psychologist will be accustom to dealing with 14 year olds and at the very least be able to work with you so that you can help your son.

Get an evaluation - then you will know more about what strategies etc will most likely help your son.

All the best,
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Default Jun 30, 2008 at 02:19 PM
  #5
Hi Denmother,
I'd definitely keep a watchful eye. If you can get him to see someone, I'd say that would be best. Perhaps if he goes, even if he does not talk, he will eventually see that there is help for him available so when he is ready he will know. It's a hard situation. I've been in a similar situation where I had to be hypervigilent and stay in tune with son so I could call 911 in time but not too early. I hope your situation does not get to that situation. Maybe just let him know you're there if he ever needs to talk. And be his safe person.

Zoloft made my son more suicidal (and resulted in an attempt) and is not recommended for teens. There are a lot of different antidepressants if you can get him to take another one. It's so hard when they refuse help.

Best of luck to you. Please keep us posted.
My teenage son has no friends My teenage son has no friends My teenage son has no friends

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denmother
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Default Jun 30, 2008 at 08:01 PM
  #6
Thanks to all who read and replied. I really think the time has come for me to stop allowing him to call the shots. I want to get him some help once and for all. It depresses me to see him so depressed. Since he's an only child I get all emotionally wrapped up in his problems. My husband says he's doing it for attention and that I shouldn't worry so much, he will outgrow it. But what if he doesn't? It breaks my heart, honestly it does. He's a good kid. Also a good athlete, to the poster who mentioned being involved in sports. He is a baseball player, one of the best pitchers in his league. He turned down the honor of playing on the town Allstar team this year. Everyone was scratching their heads, how could that be? That's how crappy he's feeling about himself, he says he sucks at baseball. I'm blue in the face from telling him what a good player he is. I just want him to enjoy his life, enjoy being a kid. Life is passing him by and before he knows he will be a grown up.
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rainbow62
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Default Jun 30, 2008 at 08:23 PM
  #7
I'm sorry you have to watch your son go through this. Any child's pain becomes their mother's.

I had to watch my oldest son go through the same pain at that age. For some reason, when they hit puberty and can't handle life, they fall into a deep chasm. Therapy didn't work for my son then and he refused to take meds. His grades fell and didn't want to socialize back then.

He just made 27 last week and he's finally made some breakthrough within the last year. He's married with 2 kids now and seems to be a different person. Again, it's hard to be distant with our kids sometimes when they're suffering especially when we don't feel in control of the situation.

Good luck and hang in there! You have us for support.
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denmother
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Default Jun 30, 2008 at 10:51 PM
  #8
Thank you rainbow, I'm so glad to hear your son is doing well. Gives me hope for my sons future.
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Default Jul 01, 2008 at 01:26 AM
  #9
Well, that blows my theory right out of the water! Poor kid! I do however agree with the puberty comment. I think between the age of 13 to 18 and 1/2 I smiled twice. My Mom and grandparents worried about me a lot. I still stayed involved in sports it was the only thing I enjoyed. They just considered me to be miserable not depressed. Your son situation sounds worse then just a miserable teen. I really hope he's feeling better soon. Is there such a thing as an undercovered therapists, someone who will befriend your child. Just a thought, I don't know much about therapy.

Again the best of luck to you.

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Default Jul 01, 2008 at 01:26 AM
  #10
Well, that blows my theory right out of the water! Poor kid! I do however agree with the puberty comment. I think between the age of 13 to 18 and 1/2 I smiled twice. My Mom and grandparents worried about me a lot. I still stayed involved in sports it was the only thing I enjoyed. They just considered me to be miserable not depressed. Your son situation sounds worse then just a miserable teen. I really hope he's feeling better soon. Is there such a thing as an undercovered therapists, someone who will befriend your child. Just a thought, I don't know much about therapy.

Again the best of luck to you.

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Default Jul 01, 2008 at 06:53 PM
  #11
I can give you some insight into possibly what he is feeling. You see when I was a wee lad of his age I went thru the same exact thing. My issue on friends was partly because we moved a lot growing up. However I did reach a point where I did not want any. My grades suffered and I mentioned the thought of suicide more than once as well. The truth of the matter is that being a teenager sucks. Esp for a boy at that age. I am not discounting what women go through, its just I only know the male side of it. My personal suggestion would be to try to get him the help once again. If he does not take to it, like I did not. Just be there and help support him in what he needs. I found that for me the more my parents fought with me the more I did not want the help and refused it. I can tell you when I got my act together. I was 17 and went on a hike across the appalachian mountians with a church camp. I found a counselor there who did not push me. He knew there was something wrong as where everyone was paired with another person I kicked my partner out the first night. However he was patient and just hung back. He did not try and talk to me or push me towards anything. He just simply stuck around. After about the third night I was rather upset he was always around. I went to him to tell him to back off and leave me alone. When I told him how I felt he apologized for it and said he did not mean anything. He was just curious about where I drew my strength from to face this challange alone. I was shocked that someone thought I was strong. We spent the entire night talking. He opened my eyes to a lot of things. He did not judge, he did not try and tell me I was wrong, or that things needed to be changed. He simply sat there and listened to me. When I was done he said only a few words. "I understand how you feel and how alone you must feel. I will not try and tell you that I know what you are going thru or that you need to change anything, but I want you to know that you can call and talk to me about anything anytime." He gave me his home phone number and we left it at that. By the end of the hike I was a different person. His affirming that I was not wrong and that I was ok, that it was ok I felt that way was what I needed. I didn't need someone to fix me, just to listen to me and let me vent how I needed to, without them acting like an adult or an uncaring teenager. I am not saying this is your son, it was only me. However it may be worth the chance of finding someone your son can connect to like I did him.

I wish you the best with him, and remember being a teenager sux...it has to...it is what prepares us for adulthood and the trials we all face here.
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Thanks for this!
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denmother
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Default Jul 01, 2008 at 09:39 PM
  #12
Thanks Atredies, you are very fortunate to have found someone who would listen to you and help you. That must have been very profound if you can remember exactly what it was that turned your life around. I only wish my son will be as lucky. He sounds very similar to you at that age.

Thanks to everyone for posting. I appreciate everyone's kind words and support.
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Default Oct 04, 2008 at 10:58 PM
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Don't give up on counseling and God Bless!
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Default Aug 16, 2013 at 12:11 PM
  #14
I'm sorry to hear that your son has had such a hard time. Your description of him made me think of my own teenage years and how rough they were. I tried going to therapists and I took medication, but none of that helped. Eventually, I discovered that I wasn't really getting at the root of my problem, which was my social anxiety. I started a CBT program offered by the Social Anxiety Institute which really gave me a new perspective on life. I realized how distorted my thinking was and worked to change it. Over time, I saw a great amount of progress.
If anyone is interested, check out their website: https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/
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