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Legendary
Member Since Oct 2007
Location: Out of my mind...back in 5 min.
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#1
Honestly, I know I should be inpatient. But with DID, I'm a "frequent flier" and I hate that. I hate having to go in for my safety. I hate losing my freedoms for my safety. It makes me not want to go in, even when I should. I hate that I get so scared on the wards by other peoples' illnesses- I get so triggered.
It's a catch 22; I can't talk about safety issues without being put under lock and key, but once there they won't "do therapy" around the issue of what brings any of us in. Wish there were middle ground. A place I could go and say Here's my feelings right now, I know they'll change, but I have to get through to tomorrow. Then they can send me home. __________________ Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0"> |
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*Laurie*, 88Butterfly88, Anonymous59365, Fuzzybear, possum220
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pachyderm
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Conflicted...
Member Since Jul 2010
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#2
I'm sorry you are struggling. Although I don't have DID I understand you dilemma with going IP. IP is really mostly a holding place and pill mill until those feeling at least appear to have passed. By now I think most IP workers know that "frequent fliers" know how to fake betterment when they are tired of IP. One idea, can you talk about the underlying issues with your T without it becoming a flag for safety. Obviously this is only if you are able to be safe. I have backed away from therapy for the most part and totally from psychiatry. Lucky for me though my T would not force IP(she knows I would not come back if she did) unless she felt absolutely convinced I could not be safe otherwise and I am now able to convince T that i am ok even when it is questionable(normally just means agreeing to go to ER if it becomes unmanageable).
Hope you are able to find that middle of the road and maybe stay out of IP if that is what you want. |
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Kiya
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Legendary
Member Since Oct 2007
Location: Out of my mind...back in 5 min.
Posts: 10,370
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#3
I'm sitting here nodding my head to everything you wrote.
Or IP workers just shake their head when they see "returners". The last social worker (new hospital, since 3 closed) said to me, "we're becoming to know you quite well". Yeah- you know, these 15 minute chats that cost $250 a pop (thankfully not paid by me) really give a great understanding of me and my issues :/ lol But it doesn't feel good. It's not like I want to be there. Thursday, t asked me what I felt about going in :/ she said she wasn't suggesting it (lol) just wondered what I thought about it. I know if I told her tonight what I was thinking, well... I know where I'd be. Maybe sitting in front of her where she can read me better. But we're only at 3 months together and she's seen 3 of me so she doesn't know me yet. To her credit, she did say she doesn't just put people in just because. I'd have to have an active plan with a timeline. "For example, a lot could change between now and the weekend". That's pretty lenient of a t. I know it will pass, right? I'm still here, so it does pass. I just have to ride it out. __________________ Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0"> |
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Conflicted...
Member Since Jul 2010
Location: The darkness
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#4
They will pass. How long it will take I don't know. I wish I had an answer for you. My thoughts have been pretty chronic from a fairly young age. Even when I'm doing well to all appearances there is always an idea of how I would if it got to that. I'm not in a real dark place right now but those thoughts creep in still. I think for the greatest majority it passes in time but it sounds like theres underlying issues behind these thoughts that you need to deal with. That is where I would focus with T so you can hopefully experience at least some relief soon. Hope things get better soon.
Last edited by DelusionsDaily; Apr 18, 2017 at 02:11 AM.. |
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Kiya
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Kiya
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Legendary
Member Since Oct 2007
Location: Out of my mind...back in 5 min.
Posts: 10,370
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#5
I was able to address these things today. We both acknowledged that there isn't s perfect system, and that even tho I know what level of care I needed last night, I knew I wouldn't need it today. Having the trust to be heard and trust myself, I came up with strategies tonight. Small steps, big reward. It was hard for my social worker and therapist to let me leave, but they did such a great job.
Even tho it took two check-ins from them both to get through today, I am safe tonight. __________________ Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0"> |
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Fuzzybear, possum220
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DelusionsDaily
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Conflicted...
Member Since Jul 2010
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#6
Glad you were able to address those things today and that they didn't just to IP for you. Nothing wrong with check-ins...better than leaving you by yourself with your thoughts, and it beats IP.
YAY for being safe tonight. |
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Kiya, pachyderm
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2014
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#7
I just wanted to tell you as someone suffering from Complex PTSD and schizophrenia that IP sucks. Yeah, lack of freedoom is very triggering from us.
If I were you I would find and IP facility that has resources to lead with people that have been traumatized so you can improve and stay better in case you need IP. __________________ Crazy, inside and aside Meds: bye bye meds CPTSD and some sort of depression and weird perceptions "Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance." I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison- |
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Kiya
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#8
I'm glad you have professionals working for you who actually do their job properly
(((((((( Kiya )))))))) __________________ |
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Kiya
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Kiya, pachyderm
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Legendary
Member Since Oct 2007
Location: Out of my mind...back in 5 min.
Posts: 10,370
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#9
Day three (is that all???) and 5 professionals still want me in. They want to change medications. Is this all there is? Always see me as a psych patient, lock me away, dope me up? Still out for now.
__________________ Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0"> |
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Fuzzybear, OliverB, pachyderm
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2014
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#10
How are you doing?
__________________ Crazy, inside and aside Meds: bye bye meds CPTSD and some sort of depression and weird perceptions "Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance." I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison- |
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Kiya
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#11
Hi Kiya, The title of your post caught my attention. I'm sorry you have to go IP so often. I know what you mean by being triggered so easily.
Here where I live there is something called 'respite care.' It's a safe place with lots of comfortable chairs and anyone who is feeling like they are not safe at home but don't want to go IP can access the respite center. People can stay up to 23 hours and it's open 24/7. There are doctors and therapists on site and it's all free of charge. It's a great program & I wish it was available in more locations. Anyway, I'm just sending you good thoughts and I hope you're doing okay. |
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Kiya
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Junior Member
Member Since Apr 2017
Posts: 16
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#12
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Kiya
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Legendary
Member Since Oct 2007
Location: Out of my mind...back in 5 min.
Posts: 10,370
16 3,956 hugs
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#13
I'm better- but I changed my HRT (estrogen) level w/o permission. I think it broke me out of the severe depression. I can't get the medical community to believe me, tho. I saw them today and they really discouraged me from raising the HRT (I decided to pretend to ask permission rather than admit I'd done it).
They seemed disappointed in me that I didn't take their word for it, but did acknowledge that each body is different and that if I really feel I need to, I can change it. I learned today that surgical menopause HRT aftercare is just as much a shot in the dark as is psychiatry. Fun. There is a 23 hour place much like respite, but instead of being free, it is psych ER. One will be evaluated and then either admitted, moved somewhere else to be admitted, or allowed to leave, depending. I felt shame last time I went when the LCSW said "we're getting to know you rather well" and the dr said simply "you're back". I couldn't bear going in a 4th time this calendar year :'( For me this translates to "I'm on my own". I have to figure it out. I have to hide my true state of being if I'm unwell. My p nurse wants to try TMS (an electrified magnet placed against the head at certain points of the brain; one step down from ECT). Back to pretending I'm normal when I have to. Thankfully for now, I am stable. Thanks all Hugs __________________ Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0"> |
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DelusionsDaily, pachyderm
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Legendary
Member Since Oct 2007
Location: Out of my mind...back in 5 min.
Posts: 10,370
16 3,956 hugs
given |
#14
Also one thing that helped was that my therapists checked in with me daily. Some days several times. That in itself can be a lifesaver.
__________________ Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0"> |
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Conflicted...
Member Since Jul 2010
Location: The darkness
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#15
I'm so sorry you're experiencing having to fake "wellness" in an effort to avoid hospitalization. I know the feeling and it can be very lonely and isolating.
I am glad you received support while staying out of the hospital. Glad you are doing better right now. |
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Kiya
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Kiya
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