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rise13eyond
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Default Sep 23, 2019 at 06:41 PM
  #1
I really just have resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to have to deal with mental illness my whole life, and it will probably REALLY suck all that time, but I'm just tired of this cycle that's going. Sometimes things are normal, you know a mix of good days, bad days, and in between days, and then things start heading south, they get crummier and crummier and crummier until some point things collapse. I basically have crisis mode and always end up in the hospital. I mean of course after that things start to clear up but that just starts the whole thing over. It's not just that I'm sick of feeling terrible like that, I mean I am, but what I'm really just so frustrated with having to go to the hospital, but at the point I do I can't function at all, I can't be alone, I mean sad to say but one of us trying to hurt us is almost guaranteed, it almost feels like control has been lost, because reason just goes right out the window save for a moment of knowing to get to the ER or something. At the time there never seems to be an alternative.
But of course it's not fun staying in mental wards. There was a period of about a year, back before I got half my diagnosises, that I was in an out practically every month, and while that frequency didn't remain that high I was still in a hospital a ton. It's just it had been two years since I'd been there until now, so I thought I was doing great, but **** got out of control pretty fast. And that was pretty disappointing. I was disappointed in me, It felt like if everyone else wasn't then they should be.
It was a pretty well I guess average stay, it wasn't the worst stay I've had, but I couldn't have any of the things that keep me calm and comfortable (I also got a terrible migraine so there's that), and I had to leave my new cat alone. Honestly doing that really did me in. My poor baby is used to me and she loves me and she missed me like crazy, she wont let me out of her sigh now, she just wants constant attention. I just feel so bad about leaving her alone.

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Default Sep 23, 2019 at 11:29 PM
  #2
I am sorry that you are wrestling with all this very difficult stuff surrounding your illness and life, rise13eyond. Of course, I don't know all the details of your particular illness story, but I know that I, too, have recently been sort of coming to grips with the fact that this is just how it is going to be, pretty much forever. It's up and down and all over the place. Right now, I am in an extreme down pole and I can't seem to dig myself out of it. But I am slogging through. I won't give up. Not today, anyhow.

As far as the hospital, there are times for many of us when it is just needed. I have personally spent an enormous amount of time (years) in the hospital in the past. Was it fun being away from everyone? No, that sucked. Did it help my mental illness? Yes. Yes, it did. So, now, when they tell me I need to be in the hospital, I just go to the hospital. No real questions. I just go. I have gotten to the place where I accept that I have an illness that sometimes sends me to inpatient. And I'm okay with that. For me, denying that fact, is just denying reality. Because this is my reality. I have a serious mental illness. Why make myself crazy trying to fight it? Much easier to accept it and move on--at least for me.

Acceptance has become a big part of my recovery. I don't know if any of this can help you, but you might consider it. I know how hard it is to be in the hospital away from the world and I feel for you. Keep working your recovery and you'll push through it. You can do it!!

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