Pre-need funeral/burial planning, with no emotional support.

I might put this under other forums, but I'll start here.

I'm pre-planning funeral and burial arrangements for my sig. other. He's not terminally ill, and I hope we may have a couple more years together, like maybe two. He's got a bunch of problems, can barely walk and is extremely frail. He has some dementia.

I take care of all his needs, and used to think his adult children would take care of burying him. They are far away and have little interest.

He's on full-medicaid and is low-income. Medicaid doesn't allow him to have much assets, but he can put some money aside for funeral/burial arrangements in an irrevocable trust. I am low income, but have a little I can contribute.

I have done a great deal of research. His final arrangements don't have to cost a fortune. My fervent hope is that he could have a regular funeral/burial. His family just wants an immediate cremation and cremains mailed to National Cemetery for free interment. (He's a Vet.)

I've been pleased with the things my research is turning up. Everything at the cemetery is free because he's a vet. He will die in one state and be interred in another, on opposite side of the country. So it gets complicated. But yesterday, I found that a funeral parlor near where he will be buried offers a special rate for vets that sounded less than I expected.

Now I am looking at ordering a casket on-line and finding that to be much less than I expected. I'm starting to really believe that I can see him given a decent treatment when the time comes.

I am emotionally all over the place. I talked to a casket distributor today who was rude beyond what I can put into words. Then I called another one I saw on line who was nice.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. Does anyone have any advice about pitfalls to avoid? I have no one to talk to. My boyfriend has dementia and doesn't like to discuss it. His kids have been cruel to me in the past on this subject. My own sisters who have arranged funerals (I never have.) tell me different stories that don't add up. They seem to want to brag that they spend fortunes on funerals they arranged.

I am thinking it can be done for a modest amount, if there's no extra limousines. We might not even have a church service. Mainly, I just don't want him to be cremated because that just upsets me. (It's fine and nothing wrong with it, but not his or my tradition that we've had in our families.)

I have to check his will, but I believe I am executor of his estate - not that he has anything. It's just so I can facilitate things.

I know that, amongst PC members, there is a wealth of experience on just about every subject.

Thank you.

There are national veteran cemetery all over the country. Many states have their own vet cemeteries. Depending on eligibility the VA can supply caskets, headstone, etc for free even if he is not laid to rest in a national cemetery. Click here

If you aren't married to him you probably need a will from him stating what he wants.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

thanks, qwerty. your link isn't taking me to a website.

the will does not state anything about final wishes on burial. thanks for mentioning I might need that. I am not married to him, and I even have a separate residence. but I stay at his place almost constantly because of how much help he needs.

Fixed it, sorry about that.

I am not a lawyer but I think without a will spelling it out, you could be overruled by family members. Maybe if you have been with him long enough to have a common law marriage, I am not sure. A will can remove all those questions.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Rose, I am confused; do you want to bury him (casket) or cremate him? My husband was cremated for $1,000 (and my husband's first wife's boyfriend was around $2,000 but she had a church service and fancy urn, etc.); no casket, no etc. We got the ashes (tasteful "box") and then did whatever.

I would look for low-cost crematoriums in your area if that's the route you want to go, rather than go through funeral homes which have to up the price/add on for their services, etc. https://www.everplans.com/articles/5...rect-cremation

Contrary to what most folks seem to believe, there really is no such thing as "common law marriage." But there is a will. I need to dig it out and see what he authorized for me to decide.

I don't want him to be cremated. He told me yesterday that he would rather not be cremated. But the reality is that, unless he or I are paying for something more expensive, then his kids can do whatever they want. Basically, they don't want his demise to cost them very much.

You might remember, Perna, about how I was helping him look into that VA benefit called "Aid and Assistance." Then his apartment manager told us he'ld lose his Section 8 subsidy, if he got that benefit. Well, she was wrong. And her assistant admitted that to us. So, with help from a VA social worker, he got the benefit. It is a wonderful benefit. And there is a lot of latitude given for how the funds can be used. The social worker suggested putting some of the money that has accumulated, in the account he has for that benefit, to pre-fund final arrangements by getting a policy from a funeral home that keeps the money in an irrevocable trust.

Originally, I was using the money to pay caretakers, so I could have more time to myself. I was disappointed in the quality of care that people we hired were providing. So I've told him that I would just as soon do most of his care myself, and put that money into pre-paying the kind of final arrangements that he would prefer and that I would prefer. There is also reason to believe that his kids would be pleased to know they won't have that expense. I think it would smooth over some estrangement that has developed over who is paying for what.

There is nothing morally wrong with cremation. It's a matter of taste. I dislike cremation, and so does he. I feel like we have been given a blessing that allows him to select and finance what he'ld like. And I'm willing to make a sacrifice to help bring this about. His daughter only came up with the cremation idea because she does not want this to cost her much. Also, she says her siblings won't discuss splitting the costs. I'ld like to be able to go to that funeral/burial without being surrounded by a family that resents that their father didn't take responsibility for final expenses.