Can I hear from anyone who has planned a burial in a Veterans' Cemetery?

I know this forum is not one of the most highly visited, but here's hoping my thread catches the eye of someone who's been through this, or expects to.

On another forum, I poured out the emotions of my situation. But this thread is for the practical aspects. I am dealing with so much alone. I know there is a wealth of experience out there. Some of you are veterans, or family of vets. I've never planned this for anyone. One of my sisters arranged everything for my parents' funerals. I'm even shy of asking her anything. We aren't close. I'm finding that people don't like talking about what they spent on a funeral . . . afraid of being judged, I guess, that they spent too little, or too much. So, even from my immediate family, I hear different figures . . . inconsistent feedback that tells me I'm not hearing the plain facts.

I've only ever arranged the burial of my dog . . . and managed to have something that was very comforting . . . for $400. (She's in a beautiful place that provides perpetual care.)

My longtime companion and love of my life is in seriously failing health. He's about 20 years older than me, so I am still young enough to care for him in his home. His adult children seem to have less interest in the final arrangements for their father than I had in the ones I made for my dog. The main message I get is that they don't want to spend any money. He was not real responsible about making provisions for himself. So I've helped him save up almost $4500 toward flying him across the country to be buried in a national cemetery for veterans near his children, where their mother is already buried. (His family was just going to have a direct cremation.)

I'm not his wife and I don't want to have his kids mad at me. But, if he and I can save up the money, I want him to be buried, as he wants to be. So this will involve two funeral homes 2000 miles apart, a plane trip to transport remains and questions about what to do where. His kids have already said that will be way too complicated. I don't think it's too complicated.

Anything anyone can tell me, or warn me about, will be much appreciated. He signed permission to be embalmed here by a local funeral parlor. I talked to funeral parlors near the national cemetery, 2000 miles away. They've given me conflicting advice about what should be done where - like the process of "casketing." (Here, or there?)

Maybe someone out there who has been through all this can provide a few tips. Besides the casket, do we need to buy anything else for the grave - like a vault?

My condolences to anyone who may be grieving a loss.

You could start by looking at this website

Apply for Memorial Benefits | Explore VA Benefits

Thank you very much. That led me to where I can download a form for him to fill out and submit that would establish "pre-need eligibility" for burial in a national cemetery. I didn't know that could be done ahead of time. It might allow there to be one less hurdle to jump when the time comes.

Yes, talk to people at your "local" VA office, they can advise you well: https://www.cem.va.gov/burial_benefits/

I worked for MOAA, the Military Officer's Association and they have an excellent, booklet: http://www.moaa.org/uploadedFiles/Co...ials_final.pdf

There are people at your closest military base that can advise you too; they have a whole "social work" sort of structure for active members and families and retired/veterans, etc.

Thanks, Perna. I bookmarked that first site. (It looks like the VA does not provide the grave liner.) Then I downloaded the booklet. I'll print a copy for his kids. We have a military base on the edge of town. So that would be another resource. You're always a good guide about where to find answers, Perna.

You might remember, a few years ago, when we were discussing that "VA Pension for Aid and Attendance." I was told that my friend would lose his housing subsidy, if he got that benefit. Well, the apartment complex manager who told us that was ill informed about the HUD regulations. I relied on her knowing and my friend missed out on several years of benefits that he could have gotten. Thanks to that manager making us feel so threatened, I aborted the application procedure that I had started.

Here's the definitive answer: The "Pension" is considered as income by HUD. However, if the money from the "Pension" is totally spent on hiring caregivers (necessary for the vet to stay out of a nursing home,) then that money becomes revenue neutral because money spent to hire caregivers is considered a medical expense that is fully deductable from gross income. That manager was saying that she was not going to consider "maid service" as a deductable medical expense. Well, she's not so smart as she thought she was. If what she deemed as maid service is necessary for my friend to stay in his apartment because he is not physically capable of vacuuming the rug and washing the laundry and carrying home the groceries, then HUD considers help he pays to do those things to be a medical expense (for HUD purposes.) (Even the social worker at the VA didn't understand that. She said, "Oh, they just can't count it." Not true. They can. But they also have to apply the relevant expenditures to maintain independence as deductions from income made necessary by a medical condition. Those expenses are fully deductable from total income, even though they don't sound like medical expenditures in the classic sense. A doctor has to certify that the recipient is physically and/or mentally incapable of independently accomplishing the tasks required to maintain the upkeep of the home. I can see where people do get confused.)

Then there's a bit of a twist that totally throws people off. That income from the "Pension for Aid and Assistance" can be spent by the vet (or on behalf of the vet) for any darn thing the vet wants to spend it on - vacation in the Bahamas, new furniture, down payment on a car, etc. (It cannot be garnished by creditors, though the vet can pay off bills with it, if he likes.) Here's the twist: monies spent on things that cannot somehow be related to a necessity created by his medical condition are not deductable from his total income. So that money can cause a reduction in his HUD subsidy.

The IRS simply does not count the "Pension for A. & A." at all. So it has no tax consequences (federally,) regardless of how he spends it. The House of Representatives tried to enact legislation that would have made it illegal for anyone to ever count any of this money as income. That passed in the House, but died in the Senate. Just thought I'ld share that. Most everyone is confused . . . even people who have a responsibility to know.

I think that is great, and I encourage you to continue with your best effort as long as you do not wear yourself out in the meantime and even if you ultimately cannot make it happen. Logic would seem to suggest it should be less expensive to ship only the body to the second location where the coffin would be waiting, but that could depend upon your being able to make the long-distance selection and whatever else ahead of time. Also, a coffin is a burial container where a casket is a decorated box for storing jewels...and it is fine, in my own opinion, to be quite frugal there. Then also again, if you wish, you could go to the Patriot Guard site and click "Funeral Request" as soon as you have the details to request the honor presence of other veterans. They will come to the gravesite early and place some flags, then stand quietly at the perimeter around the family and others for the duration...and the funeral director there should already know all about that.

My grandmother was a vet, who moved to be closer to her grandchildren but my grandfather was buried in a veteran cemetery back where they were originally from. She went to a reputable funeral home where sh burial would be buiried to pay for that end. However, where she would die did all the arrangements for embalming, her casket, and travel arrangements home. However, I know from long distance, your local funeral director can make arrangements for both ends, especially if distance is an issue to make the arrangements for both ends and pay in one place. There are very specific requirements for shipping persons that the funeral homes are aware of. They can take care of that as well as applying for permission to be buried in a vet cemetery. Visit a funeral director to talk to them about his wishes.

Unfortunately, most veteran cemeteries are on a first come basis. They try to keep a family together if there is room, but otherwise there is no guarantee unless you buy a plot, then you are not necessarily buried in a veteran section and it will cost, but you will be guaranteed a spot. It is frustrating. Perhaps this has changed as it was a couple of years ago but definitely look into it.

As far as your partners wishes, if the arrangements are made the way he wants ahead of time it is harder for them to make changes. If he makes a will appointing an executor, can be family or a friend to make sure his wishes are followed, this will insure that they cannot change it legally.

It is not easy when family has their own ideas than what the loved one wants. I know we went through that ourselves with some of our relatives. It is maddening to know someone's wishes are not being respected and heart wrenching. It is lovely you are helping him to sort through this. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you, Fresia. It would probably be least expensive to have the funeral parlor here do the lion's share of arranging, since the cost of things is cheaper here. I'll talk to him about that.