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Default May 23, 2019 at 03:44 PM
  #1
This is my first time on Insurance & Finances on Psych Central. I am a regular poster on Depression/Psych Central, mostly on Daily Check In. This is all about Finance on this post from me.

I sold my condo unit that I had owned for 19 years. I was very happy to do so. I'd rather not disclose monetary figures, but I was very happy with what I got. I decided to keep the money and rent instead of buying another place.

And now, here's the issue. Right at the same time, my sister sold her house and received more money than I did. However, she had been in debt, so about 1/3 will go towards paying off that debt. The rest should go towards paying off the new house which the selling price is less than what she sold her house for. At the time we sold our places, she didn't have too much cash on hand. She needed money for a down payment So she had asked me to lend her 25% of what I received in the sale of my place. I wired that money to her.

At first, I was glad to help her because I felt euphoric when I sold my place and she did with her house. And now that I had lent her that money, I'm having regrets. She promises to pay me back in about two months and has a plan on doing so. I have fears that she's going to just default on the loan. I personally have depression & anxiety and those feelings consume me greatly.

Please don't reply by saying what a fool I am. I've been doing a great job of telling myself that. I did it because I care about her and she said that she would be living on the streets if she couldn't make this happen. It's a very high risk loan, not only because she had been in debts, but also because she lots of times does not come through with her promises. Although there had been times she did come through when I needed her to. In fact she did a very good job, one time, in handling my inheritance when she was the executor.

I have it documented when I wired her the money. I hope it doesn't come down to me to sue her if she's not willing to pay back.
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Default May 23, 2019 at 05:57 PM
  #2
Maybe just give it time and see how it goes first before beating yourself up over it or regretting it?You may find yourself pleasantly surprised,you never know.

I think what you did was very kind.Hopefully she will be kind in return and pay you back.
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Default May 24, 2019 at 04:00 AM
  #3
I do not think you are a fool. I think you love your sister. I would wait and see what she does when it comes time to repay you.

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Default May 24, 2019 at 03:03 PM
  #4
I'm sorry it's giving you anxiety. Could you check-in with your sister and just let her know you were happy you could help her with a loan in her time of need, but you do want her to know you're feeling some anxiety so to please stay in communication about the loan and the expected pay-off date? I also think, I mean if it ever does go to court, if you have in writing follow-up, it wouldn't hurt to show that to the court too. Although hopefully your sister will understand that it's natural anxiety to have, but that you do trust her, and just want to be in communication so there's no surprises.

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Default May 26, 2019 at 07:35 PM
  #5
I lent money to a "friend" for an emergency car purchase. That was 15 years ago. I never got it back. I was very resentful about it for a long time. My therapist made really good points. First she said that I might be out the money but every time that "friend" drives that car they will remember they got it on false pretenses. It's better to be the one not paid back than the one who didn't pay back. Second she told me, in the future, think of money loaned as money gifted. That way, if I get paid back its a sweet surprise and if I don't, well, it was a gift. I just thought I'd pass along words that helped me.
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Default May 26, 2019 at 07:47 PM
  #6
Hello will19,

so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds very stressful for you. I do not think you are a fool. I think you are in a complicated situation and not sure what to do. The reality is that once we give money away, to anyone, we may or may not have it returned to us. There is always a risk. Much like telling someone a secret. They may or may not repeat it to others.

If you cannot live with the idea that you may never see that money again, I think you could try asking your sister to sign a specific written agreement to return X amount in whatever time frame seems reasonable to you. Verbal agreements do not stand up legally. So you can either wait and see while hoping for the best. Or try to establish a written agreement with repayment plan with her now. Do you think she would be willing to sign that?

Loaning a vast sum of money to a family member may lead to different outcomes. With major decisions like that, it may be helpful to ask yourself: "am I willing to tolerate every potential outcome here?" The problem with loaning a family member (or friend) a great deal of money is if it does not go as hoped (never returned or only partially or very delayed), the relationship may be destroyed by the shock and resentment.

Just some ideas to think about for the future. That said, what's done is done. No, that does *not make you a fool. In the worst possible scenario (who knows if that will actually happen) if you don't get any of your money back, you will have a clear idea of how to proceed in the future. You could also consult with an attorney now about a possible written agreement...perhaps they could assist you with trying to accomplish that?

I really hope you get your money back And congratulations on selling your condo! Peace, hope, and a bright future to you!

Last edited by Anonymous44076; May 26, 2019 at 08:06 PM..
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Default May 27, 2019 at 08:12 AM
  #7
You did not quite say whether you could afford to lose the money or not? If your life/style will be in serious jeopardy for having lent the money (it will be you on the streets), then it might not have been a good idea to have lent it. I tend to be reckless lending money and my husband is no longer here to temper that and make sure there's a signed, written agreement to pay back, etc. to protect us. But I am not completely a fool :-) and though I would be "hurt" by my relative not paying back what they owe, I usually lend money starting from the premise that I might not get it paid back.

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Default May 27, 2019 at 11:39 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Perna View Post
You did not quite say whether you could afford to lose the money or not? If your life/style will be in serious jeopardy for having lent the money (it will be you on the streets), then it might not have been a good idea to have lent it. I tend to be reckless lending money and my husband is no longer here to temper that and make sure there's a signed, written agreement to pay back, etc. to protect us. But I am not completely a fool :-) and though I would be "hurt" by my relative not paying back what they owe, I usually lend money starting from the premise that I might not get it paid back.
I could afford it. Actually the way I look at it, I wanted to sell and leave my condo back around 7 years ago. If I had sold back then, then it would have been about that amount of money I lent out that I would have had to pay back for the mortgage I owed. I guess it's just a silly way of looking at this, I suppose, just to comfort myself.

I am far from becoming homeless because of my finances now, so I'm not worried about that. But I felt like giving out that loan had robbed me of the joy I felt when I received that money.
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Default Jul 24, 2019 at 03:33 PM
  #9
Well, it's over with now! My sister just paid me back in full WITH INTEREST!. It was at a duration of time that she said that she would pay me back.

I went through lots of moments fantasizing on how mad I was going to be and that I would sue. So glad it didn't nearly come to that.

So now I'm free and have to decide where to put the money. I just couldn't wait to come on here and say it. Thank you to those who had comforted me.

Last edited by will19; Jul 24, 2019 at 05:29 PM..
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