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Old 08-21-2018, 10:16 AM #1
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Default How do I get more confident about correcting my family?

I've been out as trans for several months now, but people in my family still use she/her pronouns for me. I am still in the middle of transitioning, and don't mind terribly. But as I get more facial hair, and start getting further into transition, I feel like it's going to get awkward.
I was thinking about waiting until I get top surgery to start really correcting people in earnest. But I'm unemployed right now, due to mental health, so saving up for that is going to take... more than a while.

How do I get more confident in correcting my family? How do I have those conversations in the moment, without freezing up?
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Old 08-22-2018, 06:49 PM #2
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Smile Re: How do I get more confident about correcting my family?

I'm sorry I'm not able to answer your questions. But I noticed no one had yet replied to your post. So I thought I would. (Hopefully other members, here on PC, who can will yet reply to your post.)

I don't know if, by some chance, you are familiar with gender therapist Dara Hoffman-Fox on YouTube. Here's a link to one of Dara's videos on the topic: "Difficult Trans-Related Conversations & Tips on How to Have Them":

YouTube

I have to admit I haven't watched the video myself. So I don't know how applicable it will be. But perhaps it can be of some help.
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Old 08-25-2018, 10:17 AM #3
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Default Re: How do I get more confident about correcting my family?

I had a conversation yesterday with a relative who actually asked if I minded being called a girl. It got me thinking. Why don't I care more? Should I?



I had the thought: "It's just another thing people don't know about me." Because I am very shy, and don't really reveal a lot about myself to people. I think I carry a lot of shame about myself from earlier in my life.



I don't want to resign myself to not caring how people see me. Or rather, if people see me. That's such a lonely existence.



I feel like I have to change my personality and hobbies to be 'normal' before I can really let people see me. I don't want to feel like that. That's nonsense. I want to feel good enough as I am. But how do I get there?
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Old 08-29-2018, 02:21 PM #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stone92 View Post
I had a conversation yesterday with a relative who actually asked if I minded being called a girl. It got me thinking. Why don't I care more? Should I?

I had the thought: "It's just another thing people don't know about me." Because I am very shy, and don't really reveal a lot about myself to people. I think I carry a lot of shame about myself from earlier in my life.

I don't want to resign myself to not caring how people see me. Or rather, if people see me. That's such a lonely existence.

I feel like I have to change my personality and hobbies to be 'normal' before I can really let people see me. I don't want to feel like that. That's nonsense. I want to feel good enough as I am. But how do I get there?
Honestly I don't know the answer to this. (I wish there were other trans PC members who were replying to posts here at the moment. I suspect there are other members who would be better prepared to offer some solid advice than I am.) In my case, I am resigned to not caring how people see me or if they see me. In fact, I actually avoid people in general to the greatest extent possible. But, then, I'm an old man now. And that works for me. I don't recommend it for anyone else.

I do know something, I think, about what you're saying regarding feeling like you have to change your personality & hobbies to be 'normal' before you can let other people see you. My own gender identity is something I've struggled with my entire life. (It's a long story.) And I've spent my whole life trying to maintain a facade of what I perceived to be 'normality'. Unfortunately I didn't do it very well. And it resulted in me doing a lot more harm than good.

I wish I knew how to tell you to get to the point where you feel good enough just as you are. I suppose the obvious answer is therapy. I imagine, perhaps, the other thing that would help would be to surround yourself with people who value you just as you are... the real you. I think it is extremely difficult to be the "real you" when you're surrounded by people who are determined to have you be the person they want you to be. I was always extremely isolated myself, both in terms of my GID issues as well as my other mental health issues. (And I still am.) The one time I felt as though I at least began to chip away at this was a few years ago when I discovered the trans community that existed at the time on YouTube. I can't say it ended well in my case. (That's another long story.) But for a short while it was like the proverbial breath of fresh air!

You mentioned feeling as though you carry a lot of shame from earlier in your life. I am personally well acquainted with shame. Perhaps the key to feeling good enough just as you are is resolving your feelings of shame. By doing so you can perhaps find it within yourself to accept yourself just as you are & let that person who is the real you be the person you show to the world. So, with that thought in mind, here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of how to let go of shame:

Learn How to Let Go of Shame and Forgive Yourself

Shame: Identify It, Heal It, and Leave It Behind

Defusing Shame by Sharing It

4 Hidden Ways Shame Operates

How to Sit with Painful Emotions

https://psychcentral.com/blog/mindfu...ng-with-shame/

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Old 09-09-2018, 08:53 AM #5
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Default Re: How do I get more confident about correcting my family?

maybe have a talk with your family individually possibly you would feel more comfortable in telling them how you feel and why its important that they address you whatever way you feel comfortable.
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Old 09-10-2018, 07:29 AM #6
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Default Re: How do I get more confident about correcting my family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stone92 View Post
I had a conversation yesterday with a relative who actually asked if I minded being called a girl. It got me thinking. Why don't I care more? Should I?



I had the thought: "It's just another thing people don't know about me." Because I am very shy, and don't really reveal a lot about myself to people. I think I carry a lot of shame about myself from earlier in my life.



I don't want to resign myself to not caring how people see me. Or rather, if people see me. That's such a lonely existence.



I feel like I have to change my personality and hobbies to be 'normal' before I can really let people see me. I don't want to feel like that. That's nonsense. I want to feel good enough as I am. But how do I get there?
how is it going now?
i don't think there's any way you "should" feel or act.
i went through a process that i now think was quite unhealthy. my family carried on misgendering me and calling me by my old name for months, even though i had taken a name suggested by my mom because it was closer to my old name. i felt really upset about it; it felt like i was being invalidated and that my family didn't really want me as i am - they wanted me to be something that pleased them, and it didn't matter if i hated myself that way.

i went into an inpatient treatment program that lasted for a long time, and the therapists there, i realise now, were really transphobic. they deliberately misgendered me and called me by the wrong name, and suggested that i should stop asking my family to call me by my name and with the correct pronouns, because i was being controlling. this created a huge amount of confusion for me, and i only realised afterwards that it doesn't actually matter if my transitioning makes others uncomfortable. it's not something i'm doing TO other people - their feelings about it are their responsibility.

there is no harm in asking people to correct themselves. i think for me i would say something if the person said something deliberately, or used the wrong pronouns or name repeatedly, as though they are ignoring who you really are. if people slip up but correct themselves i think saying something will probably only stress the relationship - people who do correct themselves will eventually just call you by the right name etc.
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Old 09-11-2018, 08:55 PM #7
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Default Re: How do I get more confident about correcting my family?

Good luck with everything! I honestly don’t know
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