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Old 02-28-2019, 12:21 PM #1
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Default Need support - my son just came out

Two days ago, my 21 year old told me that he's transgender. Im having a difficult time dealing with this. Not because Im against transgender specifically- I have trans friends- but because I feel like Im losing him. Like he was diagnosed with cancer and only given a few months to live.

I have a letter he wrote me in 4th grade telling me why he loves me- he signed it. Im grateful that I have a lot of photos of him throughout his life. I am tryi g to make this NOT about me but I cant help it. Im in total shock. I fear something bad will happen to him - people dont always accept transgender people. That's putting it lightly.

I can't wrap my head around this. Its a huge loss. Of course I know that he will still be my child no matter what but I dont know this new person. He has known forever. Everyone in the family (that know so far) is in shock. My mom doent know what to think. As I said I have a friend who is transgender - but Ive only known her as a woman and she's not my child. She is however a great resource.

Nobody can take our relationship away. But I really fear for his well-being and safety. He's only 21.

All for now. Im still stunned, sad, overwhelmed, happy for him, angry... All the stage
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Old 02-28-2019, 01:08 PM #2
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Default Re: Need support - my son just came out

That would be shocking. (I have two sons.) It is like a loss. But I guess the best thing to think is you're gaining a daughter. Could "she" move to a place where transgenders are more accepted? I'm not sure where you are.
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Old 02-28-2019, 02:01 PM #3
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Default Re: Need support - my son just came out

We live in a big town that is LGBT friendly yes. But that doesn't mean everyone will be.
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Old 02-28-2019, 03:16 PM #4
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Smile Re: Need support - my son just came out

Well... you didn't say specifically. But I presume, from reading your post, that this "was" your son who is MtF so is now to become your daughter. I guess the first thing that needs to be said is thanks ever so much for supporting your daughter. It may or may not be of great comfort. But I believe the feelings you are experiencing are pretty-much what every parent of a transgender child experiences.

Beyond that, I guess what I can tell you is that, while I'm now an old man, I've had a life-long gender identity struggle of my own. I won't go into all the sorry details except to say that living one's life in the closet, so to speak, can be a living hell (that is assuming the person doesn't just outright kill themselves. The suicide rate among trans individuals is high.) So if your daughter can successfully make the transition that is an extraordinary outcome. And the more supportive you & the rest of her family can be, the easier it will be & the more successful will be her transition.

By the way, I do hope she has an opportunity to spend time with an experienced gender therapist. I think it will be important for her to have that support. And at least my perspective would be that it's important to find a therapist who is experienced in working with trans individuals. A therapist who is not can do more harm than good.

Anyway... thanks for sharing this. I wish you, your daughter & your family all the best.
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Old 02-28-2019, 03:37 PM #5
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Default Re: Need support - my son just came out

I assume your child was born a male and is transitioning to female, so I will refer to your child with the proper pronouns: her and she. I would encourage you to do the same because it communicates support and acceptance.

It certainly sounds like this is a big change for you and for your family. I am glad that you will be supportive and are not trying to make this about yourself, because this is about your daughter first and foremost. She is finally going to be able to be on the outside who she really is inside, and that is a beautiful thing. I would try to focus more on the positives of this rather than the potential negatives.
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Old 03-01-2019, 08:10 PM #6
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Default Re: Need support - my son just came out

Hello Moose72,

this situation sounds extremely confusing and heart-wrenching for you. You have my empathy. With regard to your sense of tremendous loss, I wonder if this idea might help...
your child remains your child no matter what. His maleness as a little person or young adult did not make him your child....that's not what you loved about him. So a transition to something other than maleness cannot change that.

Think of who your child is at his or her core. The traits you love about him or her. Sense of humor, style of communication, kindness, unique quirks. Those core traits remain whether he or she identifies as male or female.

Are you open to speaking with a therapist? Perhaps someone can help you work through the confusion and pain.

I wish you and your child peace, hope, and a bright future.
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Old 03-02-2019, 06:34 PM #7
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Default Re: Need support - my son just came out

Hi Moose ,

Time to take a stand with your son/daughter.

I am also trans ( MtF ) and will probably never to anything about it other than living with the wrong parts.

You must understand it is NOT your fault , but you are at the crossroads , you can either help or get out of the way .

Please help her , talk , have a night out , ask questions , she will be so grateful .

She does not want to lose a dad , all she wants is to be herself and by you taking a stand with her and helping her will bring the rest of your family in line.

YOU NEED to be a TEACHER now , show love and support .

She should not have to go anywhere she does not want to , you have to be her champion .
You have to be her dad , and in turn she will give you 1000 hugs , like any daughter would.

All I here is leaving , ,stay by her side , please , thank you .

All my best , God Bless

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Old 03-18-2019, 09:10 AM #8
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Default Re: Need support - my son just came out

The main thing is not to lose contact! Over time, everything will be settled if there is an understanding
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Old 04-15-2019, 08:38 PM #9
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Default Re: Need support - my son just came out

Went out to lunch with my daughter today. So much going on with the transition- but one good thing is the spiro is working well. She feels so much better mentally and emotionally.
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Old 04-16-2019, 07:11 PM #10
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Smile Re: Need support - my son just came out

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moose72 View Post
Went out to lunch with my daughter today. So much going on with the transition- but one good thing is the spiro is working well. She feels so much better mentally and emotionally.
Thanks for sharing this. Hope things continue to go well for you both.
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