My Personal Definition of MtF Dysphoria

The Transgender Pain
of the Male wishing to be Female

It`s real , some will say deal with it , others will say your crazy but the pain is real.

Dysphoria can be physically disabling at times and what makes the pain hurt all the more is that very few people understand what pain I am talking about.

What if every time you turned on the tv and was watching a show , then a commercial that shows a lovely lady , beautifully dressed / make-up done to perfection. Then it hits you , you have just been slammed to the floor by a 2 thousand pound gorilla , it`s name is dysphoria and too many do not know it`s name.

This gorilla can come at you from anywhere - anytime , in the store / visiting a former or colleague , shopping for food , anytime — anywhere and it hurts.

I must wake everyday and don clothes that do not match my mind sex. I must go to the bathroom and look at a figure with a beard , old and weathered. So basically you are awake and in pain and go to bed in pain. There are no drugs to help , no respite from the hurt , you must live life and that means coming in direct contact with the opposite sex. The very sex you have longed all your life to be.

You have no desire whatsoever to be with a man , in fact most true dysphoric trans-people hate there sex so much , all they won`t do to is hang with the opposite sex. Screw going to the shooting range , you have coffee with the girls instead , at least that is what your brain is wishing for.

Everything about a women is what you long to be , being able to wear soft clothes , wearing comfortable snuggly outfits. Wearing nice smelling perfume , the dresses , the support of foundation garments that actually fit , the tights and pantyhose. How comfortable they must be , although you may have tried to wear these clothes , unless you are a true woman , rarely would they fit as intended. You could spend every last dime you have in the hopes of finding that one piece of female clothing that might come close to fitting , only to end up spending way to much and end up throwing it all out. That is called the transgender ‘ binge - purge cycle’ , we need the protection of female clothing we will do almost anything to achieve it. We are like heroin addicts , looking for the next fix. The only difference is no matter how many ships come in , you are and will forever be waiting and suffering.

Some who do not understand may see us as a threat or a danger , I never want to hurt anyone , I only want what she has. What she has and everything else possible that could come from being a female. They are the super heroes in the mind of a transgender male to female.

We idolize women to the point of being there total protectors , should any transgender male see a woman in danger , they will spring into action regardless of there own safety to save the most important being on the planet , female. Our lives mean little , we have seen the horrors that all eyes see , the only difference between male and female is the true female forgets , the true transgender never forgets. We can`t , it is part of who we are , a grand library of every sight that was longed to be , from childhood to current age. That is way medical intervention before puberty is so vitally important. The sad thing is only now is the medical community and society in general are starting to understand , but have so long to go . I will die labeled a male , I will die wishing I was female.
There was no changing that fact that I have had a hatred for myself that goes beyond all known words to describe a hatred that will never change. Were it not for my lack of courage , I am not sure I would be writing this very document . I lack the courage you see , I lack the inner strength to end the pain. Instead I go on day after day not wish and hoping , just going on waiting to die knowing I will never truly live.

As much as we idolize women , we have a dislike for males that goes beyond anything anyone could possible think. If I could only bring back the age old method of drawing and quarrying every male on the planet , if would not be enough , to enslave them would be more appropriate .
I am in no danger to anyone but I will always be a hero to all women kind , from my eyes they are far superior to me to any male.

Given the opportunity , I would love to ease the pain , but how ? I see women in two lights , the beautiful and successful with a loving family , and them I see those in trouble and in pain and I have to wonder why ? Sometimes when I witness the later I just feel like going up to them and saying wake up , you have all you need to do what ever you want , you are a women. Of course I could never do that , I must always be the one to wonder why , why there success or why there failure when they have all that is required. In any time in history women have more often than not been placed higher than males. Today there is a change , but I am to late for the show , story of my life.

This is the dysphoric me , I long to be someone I can never be. I must live with this thought everyday. We often think it will get better , something will change , someone will care. All to soon the days fly by without an answer and without an explanation.

I am a transgender and someone who loves and idolizes women , I hate guys , they are ugly // smelly and in my eyes disgusting , hairy , ape like in every way. I so long to be a women.
This is my story of pain , my life in pain , should anyone ever care the words before you are what I am . I am so tired of hurting , seeing my life rot away , seeing the days pass being male.
I would so enjoy just one day as a beautiful and successful young lady with a happy life to live.

This is my story , this is my pain.

March 23rd , 2019