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Default Aug 05, 2019 at 07:48 PM
  #1
Hey all. To start things off, I'm a black (race is important and I'll explain why later) AFAB (assigned female at birth) and nonbinary queer person. I understand that some people see "queer" as a slur but I identify that way.

So, I've been feeling lonely as of late. I've only ever been in one relationship in my life and it wasn't even a healthy one. It was toxic, right from the start of our friendship. It really messed me up. It took a while for me to heal from it and I'm in a pretty good place where I'm ready to actually be in a relationship. The issue is trying to date people.

My social anxiety disorder keeps me back from getting out there and meeting people. I HAVE tried online dating for a long time, off and on for years, but I wasn't successful. I also tried going to groups but I stopped going because my anxiety was through the roof and I dissociated a couple of times. My close friends are in long-term relationships and, while I'm very happy for them, it really makes me feel...well, lonely. I know I'm only in my late 20s but I'm at that age where some people I grew up with are getting married and it's really dawning on me how difficult it is to find someone. I know it's not just me. Some other people who I know are also struggling. But it would be nice to know what it's like to be in a healthy, loving, fulfilling, long-term relationship.

Being queer and black doesn't help because, even though I live in a major city, it's hard to find other queer individuals, especially queer individuals who aren't racist. A lot of people think the queer community is all "kumbaya and let's hold hands" but that couldn't be further from the truth. There is a LOT of division in the community, especially as of late, and that makes it harder.

I'm thinking of trying online dating again and seeing how that goes. I'm a bit hesitant because I've been unsuccessful every time I've tried it but it couldn't hurt, I suppose.

Anyways, yea. I'm feeling lonely and I'm trying to keep my head up but it's hard.

Thanks for reading.

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Smile Aug 06, 2019 at 12:47 PM
  #2
I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to offer. But I wanted to let you know I read your post... & I wish you the best in your efforts to find that healthy, loving, fulfilling, long-term relationship.

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Default Aug 13, 2019 at 11:50 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to offer. But I wanted to let you know I read your post... & I wish you the best in your efforts to find that healthy, loving, fulfilling, long-term relationship.
Your support is very useful. ^__^ Thank you so much!!

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Default Dec 05, 2019 at 01:03 PM
  #4
You're certainly right about the divisions in the queer community. I'm not sure if "community" is the right word for it anymore. Everyone covered by the LGBTQI+ labels understands the pain of other people telling us that it isn't okay to be who we are. But the most vicious attacks seem to come from each other. Those who are part of one stigmatized or marginalized community engage in those same behaviors against others, or even their own if they don't fit their personal concept of what a member "should" be.

The pain of toxic relationships can last for a long time. I'm happy for you that you were able to heal and feel ready to open yourself to love again. I wish you the best in your search. I never had success in online dating either, but a lot of people have found incredible relationships that way, including those with social anxiety.
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Default Dec 16, 2019 at 08:50 AM
  #5
Hi. I would advise be yourself and never mind what people think about you. If you want to dating online - just do it. I wish you meet your couple. Be strong.
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Default Jan 29, 2020 at 01:10 PM
  #6
I really appreciate your transparency! All i can say is IT GETS BETTER! I related a lot to your story. I was closeted until i was 18, and I went to a Christian high school so i was so scared to be myself and didn't view myself highly, therefore i was doing a lot of things online that i shouldn't have. However, after many bad first dates or dates that ended physical without my intention, i found the one and we have been together for almost a year now. Be yourself and always remember that if someone can't understand your social anxiety, they don't deserve you. My boyfriend thought my nervousness was the cutest thing on our first date!
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