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russianhunk
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Trig Aug 25, 2019 at 08:52 AM
  #1
Hello, dear forum visitors!
Need to share mu thotghts and memories.
This post is about homosexuality, gay male psychology. If you are homophobic please don’t read that.
I am a man, I am 25 years old now.
I have deep rooted contradictions and misunderstanding of common visions and generally accepted conceptions in the society.
I didn't like to play soccer when I was young and sometimes I was asked why you don't play all of the boys like to play that.
When I was a little boy, about 5 years old, I was inclined to isolate myself from other kids.
I remember I was feared to play soccer with other boys. I say soccer because I lived in Russia and there’s no baseball. Amongst boys there was a competition and a little aggressive atmosphere. I am very sensitive nature and I feel very uncomfortable when I am placed in a situation of pressure or when I am forced to do anything by other people. “Hit this ball! Why you hesitate! Run faster! “
The fear wasn’t caused by contacting with male gender particularly since I talked to some boys without any problems, If the talk was civilized, polite, warm and kind.
However I was placed in a mental conflict by the following. I felt being sexually attracted to boys but it was prohibited. Everyone was saying that F***** gays, fags, whatever. So inside of my head I said no one should know about me, in my head it was illegal. But one day one boy showed me his penis in a child’s camp. There were me, the boy who bared and the other boy in the room. I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, I am to some extent desiring it and, on the other hand, this is illegal. So I say “Don’t do that in front of me.” The other boy (not the boy who bared) says what’s wrong with that? You have the same penis in your underpants.
By the way, about that soccer, when boys played that game and girls were watching and cheering I wasn’t interested in neither player’s role or watcher’s role.
Now I am more to like individual sports like tennis, for example.
I was involved in watching it. And I felt out of place but I was involved in it. I felt weird and uncomfortable inside of myself.
I remember tending sometimes (not all of the time) to be around girls and playing valleyball with them.
I preferred sometimes to spend time with girls because they “gathered around me”, talked to me, were nice. However, I sometimes i was speechless and didn’t talk much with them.
Now I am more to like individual sports like tennis, for example.

Last edited by Guiness187055; Aug 25, 2019 at 01:53 PM..
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Smile Aug 25, 2019 at 02:08 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing your experiences.

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Default Oct 08, 2019 at 03:16 PM
  #3
Thank you for sharing your experience. Many gay men have had similar experiences. When I was much younger, I was much the same way. I avoided most sports, I was quiet and kept to myself or had just one or two people I was comfortable with, etcetera. We all grow and learn about who we are over time, and you have gotten to a point where you can focus more of your effort into moving forward being comfortable with yourself. You are just fine. (And I really like your user name. It makes me wonder what you look like in real life.)
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Default Feb 05, 2020 at 12:15 PM
  #4
I resonate alot with your experiences. I always feel like i get along better with girls than guys. They aren't as competitive, they like talking about boys and feelings and are generally more nurturing, and when you are LGBTQ, you typically need that a little more.
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Default Apr 15, 2020 at 10:27 PM
  #5
I definitely relate to your experience.

Growing up, I didn't really like sports all that much. My mom signed me up for a lot of sports, but I didn't particularly like any of them. I also felt more at ease around girls, and most of my good friends are girls. It really is hard to deal with homophobic societies. I grew up religious: the specific stance was that being gay is OK as long as you don't do anything that's gay (kiss a boy or anything that comes after). It took me SO LONG to get over the idea that if I fell in love, then God was going to punish me for it. I'm doing much better now, but now I have a crap ton of trauma crap flaring up. (It feels like as soon as I get my life in order, something else has to tear it all apart again.) Just make sure you're taking care of yourself.

And I must say that I, too, am very intrigued by your username.
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